Neil Hamilton credited as playing...
Commissioner Gordon
- Commissioner Gordon: It could be any one of them. But which one? Which ones?
- Batman: Pretty *fishy* what happened to me on that ladder.
- Commissioner Gordon: You mean where there's a fish, there could be a Penguin?
- Robin: But wait! It happened at sea. See? C for Catwoman!
- Batman: Yet, an exploding shark *was* pulling my leg...
- Commissioner Gordon: The Joker!
- Chief O'Hara: All adds up to a sinister riddle. Riddle-R. Riddler!
- Commissioner Gordon: Oh, the thought strikes me. So dreadful, I scarcely dare give it utterance.
- Batman: The four of them. Their forces combined.
- Robin: Holy nightmare!
- Commissioner Gordon: Penguin, Joker, Riddler... and Catwoman, too! The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate!
- Batman: We've been given the plainest warning. They're working together to take over...
- Chief O'Hara: Take over *what*, Batman? Gotham City?
- Batman: Any *two* of them would try that!
- Commissioner Gordon: The whole country?
- Batman: If it were three of them, I would say yes, but *four*? Their minimum objective must be... the *entire* world.
- Batman: Look at this pair of joking riddles.
- Chief O'Hara: [reads] What does a turkey do when he flies upside down?
- Robin: He gobbles up!
- Chief O'Hara: Of course.
- Batman: And, number two...
- Commissioner Gordon: [reads] What weighs six ounces, sits in a tree and is very dangerous?
- Robin: A sparrow with a machine gun!
- Commissioner Gordon: Yes, of course.
- Miss Kitka: [to Batman] If you please, to take off the mask to give the better picture?
- Commissioner Gordon: Great Scott! Batman take off his mask?
- Chief O'Hara: The woman must be mad!
- Batman: Please... Chief O'Hara... all of you. This young lady is a stranger to our shores. Her request is not unnatural, however, impossible to grant.
- Miss Kitka: Impossible?
- Batman: Indeed. If Robin and I were to remove our masks, the secret of our true identities would be revealed.
- Commissioner Gordon: Completely destroying their value as ace crimefighters.
- Chief O'Hara: Sure, ma'am. Not even Commisioner Gordon and meself know who they really are.
- Robin: In fact, our own relatives we live with don't know.
- Miss Kitka: But your so curious costumes...
- Robin: Don't be put off by them, ma'am. Underneath this garb, we're perfectly ordinary Americans.
- Miss Kitka: You are like the masked vigilantes in the Westerns, no?
- Commissioner Gordon: Certainly not! Batman and Robin are fully deputized agents of the law.
- Robin: Support your police! That's our message!
- Batman: Well said, Robin... and no better way to end this press conference... thank you, and good day.
- Commissioner Gordon: A fine job, Batman. You allayed their fears magnificently.
- Batman: What else could I have done, Commissioner? If I told the truth, panic will grip the city.
- Chief O'Hara: The truth. Sure, and what is the truth?
- Batman: A decoy. A strange anonymous warning that Commodore Schmidlapp is in danger to lure me into a trap.
- Commissioner Gordon: A fiendish attempt on Batman's life.
- Chief O'Hara: You mean when they were luring you to a watery grave, the commodore's yacht has been hijacked in some places?
- Batman: Precisely.
- Commissioner Gordon: And who behind it? Not a clue.
- Batman: Tell me, Commissioner: What known supercriminals are at large just now?
- Commissioner Gordon: I'll check at once, Batman. Bonnie, let's have the latest status report on supercriminals still at large.
- Bonnie: Yes, Commissioner.
- Commissioner Gordon: Thank you, Bonnie. Coming up, Batman, on the closed-circuit TV screen. Come over here.
- [the quartet move to the closed-circuit TV screen on the wall]
- Closed Circuit TV Screen: Status report. Known supercriminals not currently imprisoned.
- Batman: The Penguin.
- Commissioner Gordon: That pompous, waddling master of foul play, maestro of a million criminal umbrellas.
- Robin: The Joker.
- Chief O'Hara: Devilish clown prince of crime! Oh, if I only had a nickel for every time he's baffled us!
- Commissioner Gordon: What, the Riddler loose too?
- Batman: So it seems. Loose to plague us with his criminal conundrums.
- Robin: Gosh! And the Catwoman!
- Closed Circuit TV Screen: End of status report.
- Batman: [on the Batphone] Yes, Commissioner?
- Commissioner Gordon: What progress, Batman? ls there hope?
- Batman: There's always hope. You should know that, sir.
- Commissioner Gordon: Of course, of course.