- George Spiggott: Everything I've ever told you has been a lie. Including that.
- Stanley Moon: Including what?
- George Spiggott: That everything I've ever told has been a lie. That's not true.
- Stanley Moon: I don't know WHAT to believe.
- George Spiggott: Not me, Stanley, believe me!
- George Spiggott: I've lost me spark. There was a time when I used to get lots of ideas. I was creative, original. I thought up the seven deadly sins in one afternoon. The only thing I've come up with recently is advertising.
- Stanley Moon: You're a nutcase! You're a bleedin' nutcase!
- George Spiggott: They said the same of Jesus Christ, Freud, and Galileo.
- Stanley Moon: They said it of a lot of nutcases too.
- George Spiggott: You're not as stupid as you look, are you, Mr. Moon?
- George Spiggott: You realize that suicide's a criminal offense. In less enlightened times they'd have hung you for it.
- [last lines]
- George Spiggott: [to God] All right, you great git, you've asked for it. I'll cover the world in Tastee-Freez and Wimpy Burgers. I'll fill it with concrete runways, motorways, aircraft, television, automobiles, advertising, plastic flowers, frozen food and supersonic bangs. I'll make it so noisy and disgusting that even you'll be ashamed of yourself! No wonder you've so few friends; you're unbelievable!
- [God laughs]
- George Spiggott: Let me tell you something, Stanley. As far as sex is concerned, patience is a virtue.
- Stanley Moon: I wanted her so much I just couldn't wait.
- George Spiggott: Let me give you a tip. Come here. In the words of Marcel Proust - and this applies to any woman in the world - if you can stay up and listen with a fair degree of attention to whatever garbage - no matter how stupid it is - that they're coming out with till 10 minutes past 4:00 in the morning, you're in.
- Stanley Moon: Ten minutes past 4:00 in the morning, and you're there?
- George Spiggott: It never fails.
- Stanley Moon: [regarding his contract] Shouldn't I sign it in blood?
- George Spiggott: Blimey, you are a traditionalist.
- George Spiggott: [having gotten Stanley's attention by mentioning a million pounds] Your great-great-great grandfather, Ephraim Moon, sailed to Australia in 1782 on a ship of the Line. Set himself up as an apothecary. The business flourished, and by the time he died it was worth something in the region of 2,000 pounds - a large amount in those days.
- Stanley Moon: Yes...
- George Spiggott: Your great-great-grandfather, Cedric Moon, by skillful management and careful husbandry, increased that sum a hundredfold. This in turn was inherited by your great-grandfather, Desmond Moon, who expanded, diversified, and built up a personal fortune of well over a million pounds!
- Stanley Moon: Oh!... it's a lot of money!
- George Spiggott: A great deal of money, Mister Moon! And this gigantic sum was inherited by your grandfather, Hubert Moon, who returned to London and frittered it away on wine, women, and loose living.
- Stanley Moon: ...ermh... where does that leave me, then?
- George Spiggott: Penniless, and on the brink of suicide!
- [giggles]
- George Spiggott: It's the standard contract. Gives you seven wishes in accordance with the mystic rules of life. Seven Days of the Week, Seven Deadly Sins, Seven Seas, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers...
- Stanley Moon: [after having been transformed into a nun] I love you, Margaret.
- Margaret Spencer: And I love you, Sister Luna.
- Stanley Moon: Here, my ice lolly's melted. You really must be the Devil.
- George Spiggott: Incarnate. How d'you do?
- George Spiggott: Good evening. I couldn't help noticing that you were making an unsuccessful suicide bid.
- Stanley Moon: Apart from the way He moves, what's God really like? I mean, what colour is He?
- George Spiggott: He's all colours of the rainbow, many-hued.
- Stanley Moon: But He is English, isn't He?
- George Spiggott: Oh yes. Very upper class. Course his Son had a lot of problems, having such a famous father.
- Stanley Moon: I thought you were called Lucifer.
- George Spiggott: I know. "The Bringer of the Light" it used to be. Sounded a bit poofy to me.
- George Spiggott: Fornication is such a puny sin. If Margaret had come in and told you she'd murdered the gardener, you would forgiven her, shielded her from the police. Just because she wants to have some harmless fun with some young man, you want to strangle her.
- Stanley Moon: [reading Faustian contract] "I, Stanley Moon, hereinafter and in the hereafter to be known as 'The Damned' - " The damned?
- [reading Stanley's suicide note]
- Margaret Spencer: "Dear Miss Spencer, This is just to say cheerio. Yours Sincerely, Stanley Moon. P.S.: I leave you my collection of moths."
- [Searching for change]
- George Spiggott: Oh, um, have you got sixpence? I've only got a million-pound note.
- George Spiggott: All we need to do now, then, is get it witnessed. Sloth would be best. He's a lawyer.
- George Spiggott: Now, then, what'd you like to be first? Prime Minister? Oh, no, I've made that deal already.
- Stanley Moon: If it hadn't been for you, we'd still be blissfully wandering about naked in paradise.
- George Spiggott: You're welcome, mate. The Garden of Eden was a boggy swamp just south of Croydon. You can see it over there.
- Stanley Moon: Adam and Eve were happy enough.
- George Spiggott: I'll tell you why: they were pig ignorant.
- George Spiggott: The garden of Eden was a boggy swamp just south of Croydon. You can see it over there.
- George Spiggott: [cutting into a telephone line] Mrs. Fitch?
- Mrs. Fitch: Speaking.
- George Spiggott: Abercrombie here. I work with your husband.
- Mrs. Fitch: Oh, yes.
- George Spiggott: I thought you'd like to know that he's just checked into the Cheeseborough Hotel Brighton with his secretary Fiona. Good-bye.
- Insp. Reg Clarke: Can you remember your exact last words to him?
- Margaret Spencer: I think it was "Wimpy Burgers twice, 1 MR, 1 well, heavy on the onions".
- George Spiggott: [to God] I've done a good deed. I gave that little twit his soul back. Wasn't that generous?
- George Spiggott: Very well, Mister Moon! In order to prove that I am indeed the Unholy One, a Frobisher & Gleason raspberry-flavored ice lolly shall be yours - in a trice!
- Stanley Moon: Who was that?
- George Spiggott: Didn't she introduce herself? That's Lilian Lust, the babe with the bust.
- George Spiggott: I've got last-minute repentance to contend with.
- Stanley Moon: That doesn't sound too much of a threat.
- George Spiggott: Not much of a threat? Do you realize I can spend 50 or 60 years working on a client making him vain, greedy, lustful, slothful, the lot and then just when he's breathing his last, he goes and bloody repents? I lost Mussolini that way.
- Stanley Moon: Really?
- George Spiggott: At the moment they're putting the noose around his neck, he says, "Scusi. Mille regrette." Up he goes.
- Insp. Reg Clarke: I don't want to alarm you, but I'd say that lips like that would be a magnet to sex maniacs.
- Margaret Spencer: Really?
- Lilian Lust: [to Stanley Moon] Will you help me with my buttons? I seem to be all thumbs this morning!
- George Spiggott: But suicide, Mr. Moon... Really, really, really. That's the last thing you should do. Don't you think it's taking the easy way out?
- Stanley Moon: Huh! Easy way out? What's easy about it? Look, the bleeding pipe's broken! Can't even manage to kill myself!
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