- J. B. Biggley: I know blood is thicker than water, but Bud Frump is thicker than anything. I'll promote him when I'm ready. Now, you listen to me, Gertrude. The next time Bud complains to his mother, and she calls you, and you call me, you're all fired. Damn it.
- J. B. Biggley: I realize that I'm the president of this company, the man that's responsible for everything that goes on here. So, I want to state, right now, that anything that happened is not my fault.
- Miss Jones: What's your name?
- J. Pierpont Finch: Finch, F-I-N-C-H. J. Pierpont Finch.
- Miss Jones: Well, why haven't I seen you before?
- J. Pierpont Finch: Well, ma'am, I'm not supposed to deliver the executive mail. That's his job. Bud Frump, F-R-U-M-P.
- J. B. Biggley: I like the way you thinch, Fink.
- [Long pause]
- J. Pierpont Finch: That's "think, Finch."
- Rosemary: Get back in the shower. Get back in there!
- Hedy LaRue: I have nothing to hide.
- Rosemary: Oh, yes, you have! And you keep it hidden.
- J. Pierpont Finch: What are you taking that down in?
- Hedy LaRue: Long hand. It's safer. I make up for it when I type.
- J. Pierpont Finch: Oh, you type fast.
- Hedy LaRue: Like a jack rabbit - 12 words a minute.
- Mr. Twimble: Last month I became a quarter-of-a-century man.
- J. Pierpont Finch: Oh, that's beautiful, a quarter-of-a-century.
- Mr. Twimble: Quarter-of-a-century.
- J. Pierpont Finch: How long have you been in the mail room?
- Mr. Twimble: Twenty-five years. It's not easy to get this medal. It takes a combination of skill, diplomacy, and bold caution.
- Miss Jones: Your wife is on line 2, Mr. Biggley.
- J. B. Biggley: Tell her I'm busy, tell her I'm in a meeting, tell her I'm out, damnit, put her on!
- Wally Womper: You never told me you hired your nephew.
- J. B. Biggley: I never showed him any favoritism; in fact, I hate him.
- Wally Womper: But you love his ideas.
- J. B. Biggley: No. When he first told me the idea, told him it was a lousy idea. When Finch brought it to me, I still said it was a lousy idea. In fact, I told Finch it was a lousy idea.
- Wally Womper: Why did you buy it?
- J. B. Biggley: Seemed like a good idea.
- Bud Frump: If you have any ideas about climbing the ladder around here, Finch, the view is going to get awfully monotonous. Every time you look up, you're gonna see the seat of my pants!
- J. Pierpont Finch: Look, even though we're all part of the cold, corporate set-up, deep down under our skins there's flesh and blood. We're all brothers.
- J. B. Biggley: But, some of us are uncles.
- J. Pierpont Finch: Be patient? Don't you realize I've been working here... well, two whole hours now?
- Rosemary: Lunch.
- J. Pierpont Finch: Huh?
- Rosemary: I said, "Lunch."
- J. Pierpont Finch: What about "lunch"?
- Rosemary: I'd love to!
- J. Pierpont Finch: I feel that when a man wants to rise in the world of business, a girl, or well, let's say an emotional involvement, can only lead to getting involved - emotionally.
- J. B. Biggley: Do you know who I am?
- J. Pierpont Finch: No, sir.
- J. B. Biggley: I'm J. B. Biggley, the President of this company, that's who I am. In fact, that's who the hell I am.
- Bud Frump: Are you ambitious, Finch?
- J. Pierpont Finch: No, not necessarily.
- Bud Frump: Good. You just keep that in mind. If you just remember who I am and who you are, we'll get along fine. If not...
- Rosemary: You go crying to your uncle!
- Bud Frump: I beg your pardon, I do not go crying to my uncle! It just happens my mother is Mrs. Biggley's sister. If I feel something's wrong, I phone my mother. She phones Mrs. Biggley, and Mrs. Biggley phones Mr. Biggley. That's the DEMOCRATIC way.
- J. B. Biggley: Wally, who's going to be the new chairman of the board, as if I didn't know?
- Bud Frump: I'll kill myself!
- Wally Womper: Ponty, it's your baby now.
- Tackaberry: Look, Bert, I really need a new secretary.
- Bert O. Bratt: Gentlemen, Miss LaRue will be assigned according to normal office procedures as soon as her qualifications have been determined.
- Bud Frump: I'll determine them!
- Bert O. Bratt: Just through here, Miss LaRue. And we'll get all of your vital statistics.
- Hedy LaRue: 39-22-38.
- Bud Frump: Oh, I win the pool!
- Bert O. Bratt: I'm Bert Bratt. I'm Bert Bratt, personnel. Sorry to have kept you waiting.
- Hedy LaRue: Oh, not at all, sir. It is I whom am late.
- Bert O. Bratt: Oh, no, not really.
- Hedy LaRue: Oh, yes. I was very naughty this morning. I'm still not accustomed to early arisal.
- Bert O. Bratt: [singing] A secretary is not a toy, No, my boy, not a toy to fondle and dandle, And playfully handle, In search of some puerile joy, No, A secretary is not, definitely not, a toy...
- Smitty, Lucille Krumholtz: [singing] A secretary is not a thing, Wound by key, Pulled by string, Her pad is to write in, And not spend the night in...
- Rosemary: You take the average young person today. I mean, the trouble is they're looking for instant poetry, instant psychoanalysis, instant mashed potatoes - and instant old-fashioned love. I mean, they don't realize that it takes - takes time to establish a meaningful relationship.
- J. B. Biggley: Why don't you go home?
- Bud Frump: I'm waiting for the elevator.
- J. B. Biggley: Why don't you walk down?
- Bud Frump: It's 30 floors.
- J. B. Biggley: Why don't you jump?
- Hedy LaRue: I gave up a wonderful job. Head cigarette girl at the Copa.
- J. B. Biggley: I thought you hated all those men staring at you, making advances.
- Hedy LaRue: Well, it's no different here in big business. At least at the Copa, when I got pinched, I got tipped. Around here, a girl can't even bend down to pick up a pencil with confidence.
- Wally Womper: Well, I think I got the whole picture. Now, the question is what to do and who to do it to.
- [There is music when Finch thinks of Rosemary]
- J. Pierpont Finch: Can't you hear it? It's all around me, it's like a beautiful pink sky.
- Rosemary: J. Pierpont Finch, what are you...
- J. Pierpont Finch: Rosemary, darling, will you please marry J. Pierpont Finch?
- Rosemary: NOW I hear it.
- [Song lyrics]
- Smitty: Now she's thinking:
- Rosemary: I wish that he were more of a flirt.
- Smitty: And he's thinking:
- J. Pierpont Finch: I guess a little flirting won't hurt.
- Smitty: Now she's thinking:
- Rosemary: For dinner we could meet.
- Smitty: And he's thinking:
- J. Pierpont Finch: We both've gotta eat.
- Smitty: And she says:
- Rosemary: [Sneezes]
- Smitty: And he says:
- J. Pierpont Finch: Gesundheit... well, it's been a long day.
- J. Pierpont Finch: [Twimble is singing the praises of the company] The company restaurant?
- Mr. Twimble: Every day, same lunch. The haddock sandwich, it's delicious!
- J. Pierpont Finch: [Unimpressed] I must try it.
- Mr. Twimble: [a warning] Early in the week.
- Hedy LaRue: The first clue is...
- TV Announcer: One moment, Miss Treasure Girl.
- [a man dressed as an Episcopalian priest enters the stage carrying a ridiculously oversized prop bible]
- TV Announcer: This man is carrying a bible. Would you place your right hand on the bible, please?
- [Hedy reaches out with her left hand]
- TV Announcer: No, your other right hand.
- Bert O. Bratt: I'm the personnel manager. We're not hiring anyone.
- J. Pierpont Finch: Well, I was just speaking to Mr. Biggley.
- Bert O. Bratt: Biggley?
- J. Pierpont Finch: Yes, sir.
- Bert O. Bratt: J.B. Biggley?
- J. Pierpont Finch: Yes, sir. He told me to see you.
- Bert O. Bratt: You were speaking to J.B. Biggley himself?
- J. Pierpont Finch: Yes, sir, I just - bumped into him.
- Bert O. Bratt: He's a friend of yours?
- J. Pierpont Finch: Well, sir, I don't think a man should trade on friendship to get a job.
- Bert O. Bratt: By George, I like a man who stands on his own two feet.
- Rosemary: He has a sort of undaunted sort of noble courage. Yet, deep down, you sense he's a helpless little muffin.
- Rosemary: Good luck, Mr. Finch.
- J. Pierpont Finch: Thank you, Miss...
- Rosemary: Pilkington, Rosemary Pilkington.
- J. Pierpont Finch: Pilkington, Rosemary Pilkington.
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Top Gap
By what name was How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying (1967) officially released in India in English?
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