Peter Ustinov credited as playing...
Captain Blackbeard
- Captain Blackbeard: Impersonating Gudger: ''Come on coach will you we've come in last in two events already''. Ew another beanrake. All right play it whatever way ya like ya puppy. You'll get no help from me. You'll come crawling back you will! I'll bring my boot to ya and I'll grind ya mealy mouth jibb into the dirt! I will.
- Steve Walker: I don't think you're real, I don't think that sword is real. I'm gonna walk right through it and go to bed!
- Captain Blackbeard: Try it, mate.
- Steve Walker: You took that money.
- Captain Blackbeard: Money? Money... OH, the odd flimsy I removed from the pocketbook of your book-ish wench.
- Captain Blackbeard: What manner of craft be this we're cruisin' in?
- Steve Walker: It's an automobile.
- Captain Blackbeard: Eh?
- Steve Walker: An automobile!
- Captain Blackbeard: Oh, is it? Yes. An "automotonus". Yes, "auto-some-o-nee-mones!"
- Captain Blackbeard: By thunder! There be a time for action! Old ladies, Blackbeard's coming! Up the Jolly Roger!
- Captain Blackbeard: I did have a treasure. I had a big treasure. Lovely, I did. But I spent it all in one week. Among the flesh pots and gambling hells of Port Royal oh what a glorious week!
- Steve Walker: Oh you know what you are? You are a total loss you're not even a respectable ghost! You're a phoney! A phoney!
- Captain Blackbeard: I trained my men to WIN! WIN! Always WIN! By fair means or foul, by soft words and hard deeds. By treachery, by cunning, by malpractice. But always win.
- Captain Blackbeard: [revealing his treasure has gone] There's not a penny. Not a doubloon. Not a bent or damaged peseta!
- Captain Blackbeard: 'Twas no accident, by thunder, I was known as the finest pirate ever to sail the Spanish Main! Or the Portuguese Main. Either, for that matter.
- Captain Blackbeard: I thought I was helping you.
- Steve Walker: Helping? Well, that's a yock for you! Ha-ha!
- Captain Blackbeard: Didn't you say yourself that if I helped them old ladies, that that would contribute towards me own salvation?
- Steve Walker: You haven't helped them, you haven't helped anybody!
- Captain Blackbeard: Haven't helped anybody? I perceive now how difficult it is to do a good deed in this... dirty world.
- Captain Blackbeard: Well, I'm gonna find a comfortable place and I'm gonna rest there, somewhere, and I'm gonna stay out of your affairs.
- Steve Walker: Great, great. That's the best news I've had in years. Go disappear yourself.
- Captain Blackbeard: I'm gonna disappear myself, that's what I'm gonna do, Mr. Sanctimonious Scupperlout. Sink me if I raise so much as a finger to help you in the future.
- [begins to tear up]
- Captain Blackbeard: I'd rather spend a winter of eternities in limbo than knock knees a tick longer with a nit like you.