- Molly the Maid: [in front of Jake, Abby's date for the evening] Mrs. McClure! Now I need to put the meat on broil but your hair is on bake. Which should I do first?
- Abby McClure: [humiliated] I think the *hair*, Molly.
- Molly the Maid: False hair, false eyelashes, false bosoms. In my day women were flesh and blood, now they're 70% nylon and 30% foam rubber.
- Mitch McClure: [All gathered at a table in a Chinese restaurant] Boy, am I glad you two got married!
- Abby McClure: You are?
- Mitch McClure: Mm-hmm. Because with six, you get eggroll!
- Jason McClure: Can I sleep with you, Mommy?
- Abby McClure: Go! Get moving!
- Jake Iverson: There's nothing wrong with that. I was just going to ask you the same thing.
- Maxine Scott: You're a great help to me. What am I supposed to say to this man? "Hi, I'd like you to meet my sister, the girl with the golden arm and her hair in the oven."
- Jason McClure: [walking into bedroom] Mommy!
- Abby McClure: [hugging Jason] What is it, sweetie?
- Jason McClure: I can't find the bathroom!
- Truck Driver: Wait a minute, wait a minute... You mean to tell me that she is part of this family? This has got to be a plot against the chickens of America!
- Cleo: [seductively] Want to help with my garden?
- Jake Iverson: No, Cleo, I think it's real bad luck to go digging around in somebody else's garden.
- Cleo: [approaches Jake getting out of his car] Oh, Jake... Well, howdy, neighbor.
- Jake Iverson: [caught by surprise] Oh, Hi, Cleo...
- Cleo: Sorry I haven't been over lately. I've been in Mexico--getting a divorce.
- Cleo: [Cleo notices Abby getting out of the car] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were alone.
- Jake Iverson: No, no, I'm not... Abby, this is Mrs. Ruskin. She's my... it's the neighbor--next door.
- Jake Iverson: [to Cleo] This is Abby, my wife.
- Cleo: Well, I just, uh, *happened* to be walking down the street...
- Abby McClure: It's a nice night for streetwalking, yeah...
- Cleo: She *is* your wife, isn't she?
- Flip McClure: So my room isn't good enough for you, huh?
- Stacey Iverson: Nothing about you is good enough for me. This house is so weird!
- Flip McClure: You know what's wrong with you?
- Stacey Iverson: What, "Mr." McClure?
- Flip McClure: You're spoiled rotten, Miss Iverson.
- Jason McClure: [the dogs are barking at each other] Mr. Iverson, you know what? Our dog hates your dog.
- Jake Iverson: No, they're just talking when they bark like that. They'll get to like each other all right.
- Jo Jo: [Offering Abby his bikers' help in finding Jake] Saddle up, friends, we shall give thou a hand. That is our bag--to help folks!