TeenAlien

In the late 1950s, the residents of a small Utah township report strange happenings in the vicinity of their town -- some even report seeing alien spaceships, but one is ever able to confirm this -- at least no one living! Now after more than 25 years, the waiting is over. And a new generation is about to experience the horror of -- THE VARROW MISSION.

In all of my years watching movies -- and I've seen thousands -- this is the worst, most terrible, sad, pathetic, pitiable, confusing and generally so-screwed-up-it-must-be-a-joke-movie I have ever seen. For context, here are some other bad movies: The Meat Eater, Space Mutiny, and Platoon. (Yes, THAT Platoon.) But this is the worst. I came across this film in the bargain bin at a Blockbuster video store in Toronto --it came free with two rentals. The other bargain box films I got included a seasonal highlight video for the 1990 Houston Rockets and the best of Victor Borge (which was awesome.) But this movie was a terrible mistake. It haunts me to this day -- it is the worst movie ever made, and always will be, with no hyperbole or post-modernist sarcasm. It's not even a movie, as far as I can tell.

This little movie won't win anything......but.....it's a fun movie for what it is, (Think Plan 9) give it a break! I think there are out takes somewhere out there. One of the policemen was really funny doing a German accent. Policeman no 1 saw something on the ground and it turned out to be the biggest spider I've ever seen and it was an inch from one of the cop's wife's foot! I can still hear her scream. The director ask the sound man if he got that scream on tape, he tried to get her to scream again but she was to upset. He wanted to use it in the movie. I was a lot of fun making that pic. Soooo, give it and all the youngsters a pass because they all worked hard.

One night, my friend Tom Ruff, invited me up to 'The Old Mill' because he was doing sound on a local movie. I showed up just as they were ready to shoot. The guy they lined up to be the 'creature' in this baby showed up bombed. The director exploded on him and told him to take a hike. He then was in a panic because he had the whole crew there and no monster. After glancing around to see who was available and not already on the job, he brought that great latex suit over to me and said "Looks like it will fit!" I spent the next 7 hours in a rubber suit jumping off railings, chasing brats, and getting spray paint in my big red eyes! The premise of the plot was there but after you hear the 500th "CHAD, Where are you" its time to see what is on HGTV. All those cops were real cops and Tiny was really that big! The best effect in the film is the flashing thing that is rotating in the monster's changing chamber is a record player turned upside down with some plastic tubes glued onto it! For many years my daughter was scared of the part when my head explodes!!! Fun times.......signed,The Creature from Varrow!

You have no idea how much work went into this thing to make it as good as you saw. Or should I say not as bad as it could have been. The producer even had a scene written specially for his little darlings to star in. The pumpkin carving scene. The producer did everything as cheaply as possible. That included not paying for anything he could get for free. The make up was done by a teenage cast member, me. The sets were also done by the cast. My mother supplied all of the costumes but the rubber monster suit. But you finally figure out what's wrong with this show when you understand that it was cast for free, as a radio station contest. All the kids in the show but me won a contest to "star in a movie." I was acting a commercial when the camera man told me to show up to "be in his movie." World's worst movie, darn right. But it WAS made by teenagers.

The pre-credits crawl insist this is based on real events and, you know what, I believe them. After all, it was made in Utah and I've seen many strange things there! An alien lands in the 1920s and takes refuge in an old mill. Cut to the present day and some kids decide to throw a Halloween party there. This oddity is kind of like a Don Dohler movie minus all of the action and sci-fi shoot outs. Lots of footage of people walking around and not doing much of anything really. The entire cast is made up of real teens and dubbed by older folks, resulting in an odd effect. This is the only feature director Peter Semelka did, which is a shame because that is a great name and he actually does get a decent mood going. A quick internet search shows he most recently did some LDS religious videos.