- Dancer Backstage: Fuck him! He never picks me!
- Dancer Backstage: Honey, I *did* fuck him and he never picks me either.
- Joe Gideon: Katie, I try to give you everything I can give.
- Kate Jagger: Oh, you give all right; presents, clothes. I just wish you weren't so generous with your cock.
- Joe Gideon: [pauses in thought] That's good. I can use that.
- Angelique: Do you believe in love?
- Joe Gideon: I believe in saying, "I love you." It helps you concentrate.
- Joe Gideon: [to Audrey, while heading for surgery] If I die, I'm sorry for all the bad things I did to you.
- [turns to Kate]
- Joe Gideon: And if I live, I'm sorry for all the bad things I'm gonna do to you.
- [Kate has just finished setting up a dinner date, probably to make Joe jealous]
- Joe Gideon: Who was that?
- Kate Jagger: Michael Graham.
- Joe Gideon: Who is Michael Graham?
- Kate Jagger: A dancer in my ballet class.
- Joe Gideon: Straight or gay?
- Kate Jagger: What do you mean?
- Joe Gideon: I mean, is he looking to get laid or is he looking for Mr. Right?
- Kate Jagger: He's straight.
- Joe Gideon: And tall...
- [turns to leave]
- Joe Gideon: [frowning] Michael Graham is a very tall man...
- [leaves the room slowly but comes running back]
- Joe Gideon: [laughing] God damn it, how dare you use my phone! My phone! To call someone who is not gay!
- Kate Jagger: [laughing] I see! You can go out with any girl. Any girl...
- Joe Gideon: [pointing] That's right! I go out with any girl... I stay in with you.
- Michelle Gideon: It's just that I keep wondering, Dad. Why don't you get married again?
- Joe Gideon: I don't get married again because I can't find anyone I dislike enough to inflict that kind of torture on.
- Davis Newman: There's a lady in Chicago, man, wrote a book - Dr Kübler-Ross, with a dash. This chick, man, without the benefit of dying herself, has broken the process of dying into five stages: anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Sounds like a Jewish law firm. "Good morning, Anger Denial Bargaining Depression Acceptance!"
- Joe Gideon: [to God, while wandering the hospital after surgery] What's the matter? Don't you like musical comedy?
- Joe Gideon: No, nothing I ever do is good enough. Not beautiful enough, it's not funny enough, it's not deep enough, it's not anything enough. Now, when I see a rose, that's perfect. I mean, that's perfect. I want to look up to God and say, "How the hell did you do that? And why the hell can't I do that?"
- Angelique: Now that's probably one of your better con lines.
- Joe Gideon: Yeah, it is. But that doesn't mean I don't mean it.
- Paul Dann: [after dancer strips during rehearsal of "Take Off With Us"] Now Sinatra will never record it.
- O'Connor Flood: Folks! What can I tell you about my next guest? This cat allowed himself to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched by failure in his personal relationship bag, now - that's where he really bombed. And he came to believe that show business, work, love, his whole life, even himself and all that jazz, was bullshit. He became numero uno game player - uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended, and the reality began. Like, to this cat, the only reality - is death, man. Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you a so-so entertainer, not much of a humanitarian, and this cat was never *nobody's* friend. In his final appearance on the great stage of life - uh, you can applaud if you wanna - Mr. Joe Gideon!
- Joe Gideon: A great entertainer.
- O'Connor Flood: A great entertainer...
- Joe Gideon: A great humanitarian.
- O'Connor Flood: A great humanitarian...
- Joe Gideon: And my dear friend for 25 years.
- O'Connor Flood: And my dearest, dearest friend for 20 years.
- Kate Jagger: [Joe turns off the television] You missed by five years!
- Joe Gideon: [walking to the bathroom] Oh boy, do I hate show business!
- Kate Jagger: Joe, you love show business.
- Joe Gideon: Oh that's right. I love show business. I'll go either way.
- Victoria: Well, you're right. I'm terrible. I know I'm terrible. I look at the mirror and I'm ashamed. Maybe I should quit. I just can't seem to do anything right.
- Joe Gideon: Listen. I can't make you a great dancer. I don't even know if I can make you a good dancer. But, if you keep trying and don't quit, I know I can make you a better dancer. I'd like very much to do that. Stay?
- Victoria: Are you going to keep yelling at me?
- Joe Gideon: Probably.
- [first lines]
- Joe Gideon: To be on the wire is life. The rest is waiting.
- Angelique: That's very theatrical, Joe.
- Joe Gideon: Yeah, I know.
- Angelique: Did you make that up?
- Joe Gideon: I wish I had. Do you like it?
- Angelique: Eh, it's all right.
- Autograph Seeker: Are you
- [hesitates]
- Autograph Seeker: Lucas Sergeant?
- [he nods]
- Autograph Seeker: Could I have your autograph? I'm an actress, too. You're my favorite director, after Joe Gideon. I'm so sorry your show was a flop.
- Lucas Sergeant: [sarcastically as he signs a napkin] Best of luck with your career.
- Joe Gideon: [after a run-through, for VIPS, of a critical number in the show he's rehearsing] Ooh, I don't think they liked it... what do you think?
- Audrey Paris: [not smiling] I don't know about the others... but I think it's the best work you've ever done - you son of a bitch.
- Audrey Paris: Quick. Tell me. What was the name of the girl in Philadelphia, the blonde with the television show?
- Joe Gideon: Ah, the blonde with the television show. The blonde with the television show in Philadelphia? I remember that girl's name. I remember that girl's name because that girl meant something to me. The blonde with the television show - her name was Sweetheart!
- Audrey Paris: [Audrey shakes her head] Uh-uh.
- Joe Gideon: Honey?
- Audrey Paris: Nope.
- Joe Gideon: Baby.
- [introspective]
- Joe Gideon: I can't remember her name.
- Audrey Paris: [frustrated] Dorothy. Her name was Dorothy!
- Joe Gideon: Who cares? I can't remember her name.
- Davis Newman: Oh, God! I'm dying! I'm paying $240 a day for the hospital room! At those prices, man, who can afford to live?
- Assistant Insurance Man: You could be the first show on Broadway to make a profit... without ever really opening!
- Joe Gideon: I always look for the worst in other people.
- Angelique: A little of yourself in them?
- Joe Gideon: A little of myself. And generally, I find it.
- Angelique: You're a real drinker, aren't you, Joe?
- Joe Gideon: Yeah.
- Angelique: Also heavy into speed, aren't you?
- Joe Gideon: Yeah.
- Angelique: Also sleep with a great many women.
- Joe Gideon: Real turn-off, huh?
- Angelique: Just the opposite.
- O'Connor Flood: [singing] Give it to me! Bye Bye Life, Bye Bye happiness, Hello loneliness, I think he's gonna die. Gonna die. Bye Bye Life, Bye Bye happiness, Hello emptiness, I think he's gonna die. Gonna die. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Goodbye your life, Goodbye...
- Joe Gideon: OK, now, all I wanna do now is to read easily - easily through the script, and, frankly, I'm not too familiar with it myself. So if we go through it, then you'll give Paul and me some rough idea of what we've got. Okay, no - no acting. Everyone just take it easy. Easy. All right, lights up. Audrey, you have your first number, and then you begin reading on page - page two.
- Audrey Paris: You see, Sammy, in California, everybody needs a car. I got a friend who bought a Mercedes just to get to the bathroom.
- Jonesy Hecht: [about the Airotica number] It's uh... uh... interesting.
- Ted Christopher: Very interesting.
- Joe Gideon: You liked it?
- Jonesy Hecht: It's unusual.
- Ted Christopher: Very unusual.
- Joe Gideon: I'll make up my mind about the men later. But, I know which girls I want now: Candy, Casey, Rima, Jennifer and Victoria Porter.
- Paul Dann: The one in the shocking-pink leotard?
- Joe Gideon: Yeah and see if any of those are willing to be swing dancers.
- Paul Dann: She's tone-deaf, Joey.
- Joe Gideon: With those legs, who cares?
- Joe Gideon: I really screwed up that marriage. Because I cheated. Oh, man, I cheated every chance I could get.
- Davis Newman: You know, man, death is really a hip thing now. But we all have very different feelings about it. I mean, for instance, to a Catholic, death is a promotion.
- Fan Dancer, Fan Dancer, Fan Dancer, Fan Dancer, Fan Dancer, Fan Dancer, Fan Dancer: [singing] You had your way, Now you must pay, We're glad that you're sorry now.
- Joe Gideon: Stop smiling! Lay back. Lay back. Hold it, hold it, hold it. Candy, Casey very good. You're gonna do it again Victoria. Gary, Danny, let's go. Stop smiling, its not the high school play. Count! Hold it. Stand on your right foot. Point your left toe. Drop that shoulder. Now, that's not too hard is it? Again!
- Joe Gideon: The pain is gone. I'm okay. Nothing wrong with me, a rewrite of the show wouldn't cure. A couple of good jokes is what I need.
- Joshua Penn: [watching umpteenth rough cut of Gideon's stand-up film] It *is* better. Oh, God, it *is* better.
- Joe Gideon: [who has ignored everything Josh said, and is now leaving] Nice talkin' to ya, Josh.
- Joe Gideon: [in the editing theater; to the group around him] Anybody got any ideas?
- Stacy: Oh, Joe, I really like it, I think it's really funny.
- Joe Gideon: Who asked *you*, Stacy?
- Paul Dann: God, I hope he doesn't pick her. She's uglier than a witch's tit.
- Ted Christopher: The expression is "colder than a witch's tit".
- Paul Dann: How would you know, Ted? You've never seen a woman's tit in your life.
- Kate Jagger: Joe, I don't wanna go out with Michael Graham. I don't want a date. I have no more small talk left. I don't wanna fool around, I don't wanna play games, and I don't wanna fight. I just want to love you.
- Victoria: I want so to be a movie star.
- Joe Gideon: Oh?
- Victoria: Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to see my face on the screen - 40 feet wide.
- Joe Gideon: Oh, yeah?
- Victoria: "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers." You're looking at my nose, aren't you? It's crooked. It goes to the left. See? I mean, like, I could always have that fixed. Like that. Do you think I could be? You know, a movie star. In the movies.
- Joe Gideon: Well, that's - I don't know anybody that could answer that question. It's - it's a very freaky business, you know?
- Victoria: Yeah, I know all about that, but, like, I wanna know what *you* think. Do you think I could be a movie star?
- Joe Gideon: No.
- Victoria: Even with a nose job?
- [Joe shakes his head no]
- Victoria: Well, that's fair. Like you said, it is a freaky business, though. You know, you could be wrong, right?
- Joe Gideon: Right!
- Joshua Penn: Joey, the whole thing has gotta stop. It has to stop. It's got to stop! It just simply must stop!
- Paul Dann: Jesus Christ! Sex, sex, sex! Can't he ever think of anything else but sex?
- Ted Christopher: That's his sickness.
- Michelle Gideon: That was the first R-rated movie I ever saw and I loved it.
- Joe Gideon: Did you understand it?
- Michelle Gideon: Well, I understood everything except the part where the two girls were in bed together and they were kissing. What was that supposed to mean?
- Joe Gideon: Is dinner ready yet?
- Michelle Gideon: I think lesbian scenes are a *big* turn-off.
- Joe Gideon: You're right. I shoulda cut it.
- Davis Newman: Look, man, can we - come here, come here - can we sit down and talk about this like businessmen? A negotiation, okay? Look, I don't want to haggle. You'll find me a reasonable man, man. The blonde, the one on East 63rd Street, yes, I see on Tuesday nights, right? Gone. Finished. I'll never see her again. That's it! Alright, no more hard drugs. A little grass, maybe, but that's it. Okay, all right, look, man, I promise I won't flash on subways any more, okay? We got a deal? Huh? Huh? Huh?
- Lucas Sergeant: [kissing up] I think of you as a father, Jonesy.
- Jonesy Hecht: [condescending] And you, a son to me.
- O'Connor Flood: This is the man who would be my first choice as a modern-day saint. When I was in those marches, like Selma, this brother was shufflin' right alongside me, long before those other cats who thought that civil rights was a hip scene and jumped on the black wagon.
- [laughs]
- O'Connor Flood: The black wagon!
- Joe Gideon: I once tried living with two girls... two girls at once. We lived together!
- Menage Partner #1: Laughed together!
- Fan Dancer: Drank together!
- Menage Partner #1: Smoked together!
- Fan Dancer: Slept together!
- Joe Gideon: Woke up one morning... one of them was gone! On the bureau, she left a note.
- Menage Partner #1: I'm sorry. I cannot share you anymore. I want you all to myself, or not at all. Please... please try to understand!
- Joe Gideon: I not only understood, I was flattered! I was flattered that she felt so strongly about me!
- Angelique: How do you know the note was to you?
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