Porridge (1979)

Richard Beckinsale: Lennie

Photos 

Quotes 

• Godber : Hey, why don't we nick a chicken?

  Fletcher : Don't be silly, it's Wednesday afternoon. Where we going to get sage and onion stuffing, eh?

• [discussing a new arrival] 

  Godber : He's been sitting in his cell since chow, just staring at the wall.

  Fletcher : Ah well, he's just had his first experience of your cottage pie. Best not to move about too much after that.

• [In the prison kitchen, Godber is testing the soup] 

  Godber : It lacks something, Lotterby. With this soup Elizabeth Davies recommends coriander, bay leaves and a dash of pepper.

  [Lotterby takes a huge pot of pepper and empties it into the pan] 

  Godber : I said a dash, Lotterby.

• [it's after lights out and lock up. There is the distant sound of a fellow inmate groaning mid-nightmare] 

  Godber : You awake, Fletch?

  Fletcher : No.

  Godber : It's that bloke, Atkinson.

  Fletcher : I know.

  Godber : Keeps getting these terrible nightmares.

  Fletcher : Yeah.

  Godber : He's told the shrink about 'em, but all he's given 'im is aspirin. You have to feel compassion, don't you? A human soul in such torment.

  Fletcher : Hmm.

  [Atkinson bellows something in the distance] 

  Fletcher : [shouts]  Belt up, Atkinson, you noisy scrote.

• [Fletcher and Godber have found their way back to the coach they were kidnapped in. It's surrounded by police] 

  Godber : What is it?

  Fletcher : Cops.

  Godber : Copse? What, you mean like a wooded glade?

  Fletcher : Yeah. A wooded glade crawlin' with bleedin' cops.

• Godber : I've had it with you.

  Fletcher : You what?

  Godber : You've really got up my goat these past two weeks.

  Fletcher : Wrong Godber. I *get* your goat. I don't get up your goat. I get up your nose or on your wick.

  Godber : Well just lately you've done all three.

• Mackay : What's on the menu today Godber?

  Godber : Creme Dubarry, followed by curry sir.

  Mackay : Curried what?

  Godber : Meat sir.

  Mackay : What meat?

  Godber : I dunno. It just says 'tinned meat'. On the tin like.

• [At lunch, Godber and Lotterby are serving cottage pie and baked beans] 

  Fletcher : Hello, Len.

  Godber : All right, Fletch?

  Fletcher : Listen, it's the laddo's first day in 'ere. Do 'im a favour, will you? Give 'im a small portion.

• Fletcher : 'Ere, you owe me some darning wool.

  Godber : I already gave you some.

  Fletcher : That was in exchange for the orange.

  Godber : Tangerine. Anyway, that was to pay me for the stamp.

  Fletcher : What stamp?

  Godber : For your pools.

  Fletcher : I paid you for the stamp with a squirt of me toothpaste.

  Godber : No, that was for the darning wool.

• Fletcher : What's the matter with you?

  Godber : We're still banged up in this cell aren't we, while Oakes is Hardy Kruger.

  Fletcher : Hardy Kruger?

  Godber : "The One that got away". A film starring Hardy Kruger.

  Fletcher : Don't worry. Before too long he'll be Googie Withers again.

  Godber : Googie Withers?

  Fletcher : "Within these walls".

• Fletcher : We got plenty of strength at the back, one thing we're not short of is stoppers. What we need now is a bit of creative mid-field flair.

  Godber : From what I saw of him Rudge could provide that. Revelation he was.

  Fletcher : Yeah. Reckons he had a trial for Brentford before he had a trial for shoplifting.

• Fletcher : [rings Mr Beal's stolen bicycle bell] 

  Godber : So that's what you've got is it?

  Fletcher : Yeah, hardly ever been used.

  Godber : What are you gonna use it for?

  Fletcher : I dunno.

  Godber : Well why'd you nick it?

  Fletcher : He'd got one and I 'adn't.

• Godber : I can't understand why Mackay hasn't come down on us like a pile of bricks.

  Fletcher : 'Cause he lost something in the kitchen today, that's why.

  Godber : What? Pride, you mean?

  Fletcher : Nah, something else. Shift.

  Godber : Why?

  Fletcher : It's hidden in your mattress.

  Godber : Oh, I see, so if we get a search I'm the one who gets the blame.

  Fletcher : Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes.

  Godber : You think of everything, you do.

  Fletcher : I try.

• Mackay : [During the football game Godber jumps up to head the ball, instead he misses, falls backwards and bangs his head on the goalpost causing him to fall over] 

  [MacKay holds up one finger] 

  Mackay : How many fingers am I holding up?

  Godber : You can't fool me sir, five.

• [Bunny has finally found someone to read his wife's letter] 

  Godber : ...oh well, that's all I have time for. There's the ironing to be done before Starsky and Hutch. Needless to say, I love you and miss your loving... arms, I think it says.

  Bunny Warren : Yeah, would be arms yeah.

  Godber : Then it's lots of hugs and kisses. Nice letter.

  Bunny Warren : So there's nothing in here about a welder or a canary?

  Godber : No. I would have noticed.

• [breaking back into prison] 

  Godber : This is just like the wooden horse.

  Fletcher : What wooden 'orse?

  Godber : The Greeks and the Trojans. That's how the Greeks got into Troy.

  Fletcher : Would you mind savin' the 'istory lesson til we get back into our flowery dell?

• Fletcher : A captain, Godber, has to possess certain attributes which set him apart from the rest of his team, that is why I've chosen Light Fingered Larry.

  Godber : Urquart? What attributes has he got?

  Fletcher : 'Alf an ounce of snout which he's now given to me, all right?

• Banyard : What sort of pie is this?

  Godber : Fruit pie.

  Banyard : Yes, I realised that. I merely wondered what sort of fruit.

  Godber : I dunno, it just comes out of a tin marked "Fruit Pie Filling".

  Banyard : So, we have no clue to its origins?

  Lotterby : [after sticking his finger in Banyard's dessert bowl and tasting the fruit]  No, it's not oranges. It's more like, er... plum or damson.

• Godber : Darn your own naffing socks.

• Godber : [discussing Rudge the new arrival]  He's only a kid.

  Fletcher : Oh listen to 'er.

  Godber : No, I just remember the first night I come in here. How I felt when that door banged shut. Hey, you should go and have a word with him.

  Fletcher : Why?

  Godber : You're good at that sort of thing. You perked me up when I first arrived.

  Fletcher : Listen, I broke you in Godber because you was forced upon *my* cell and it was in *my* interests not to 'ave a manic depressive in the bottom bunk.

• Godber : Fletch, leave the bell alone.