- Columbo: [to Baxter] I've got this funny habit. You know, when a person does something one way and he suddenly does something another way, I immediately think... I'm sure it doesn't mean anything.
- Harold Van Wick: Margaret, dear, have you done something to your hair?
- Margaret Meadis: No.
- Harold Van Wick: [Sarcastically] That's what I thought.
- Harold Van Wick: Well, Margaret, let out all of your secret frustrations. It's good for the soul - if you still have one.
- Columbo: Oh, just one more thing, sir. Uh, I was thinking... in banks, they always have two cameras that cover any area. No offense, but I don't understand why you went to all this trouble to put in this system, but you only put in one camera, leaving part of the room uncovered.
- Harold Van Wick: We only wanted to cover the safe. We expected a thief, not a murder.
- Columbo: I'm sorry to bother you again so soon.
- Harold Van Wick: Perhaps it's more convenient for you, Lieutenant, if you just move in one of our guest rooms.
- Columbo: I'm a nuisance, I know, but I do have a problem.
- Columbo: [Just before he test fires a gun] You want to put your fingers in your ears? This thing could make a lot of noise.
- Harold Van Wick: I can handle it.
- Columbo: I wish I could say the same.
- [He extends his left arm to fire the pistol and uses his right to cover his right ear]
- Columbo: It had to be noise. I mean, that's the only thing that would explain it; otherwise, why would her door open? You see, that's my problem, sir. What caused the door to open? There HAD to be a noise.
- Harold Van Wick: Uh, she didn't tell me the door opened.
- Columbo: She didn't?
- Harold Van Wick: No.
- Columbo: She didn't tell me, either.
- Columbo: This is the last time. I promise it will not happen again.
- Harold Van Wick: All right, Lieutenant. I'll take your word for it.
- Columbo: Of all the dumb luck.
- Harold Van Wick: Pardon me?
- Columbo: Three feet, sir. If he'd come another three feet into the room, we'd've had a perfect picture of him.
- Columbo: How can a man walk through seven feet of soil covered in mulch, climb through the window and not leave any traces?
- Harold Van Wick: Maybe he took his shoes off.
- Francine: Good morning, sir. Can I help you?
- Columbo: Could you explain this?
- [indicating a piece of art]
- Francine: Well, - heh - you see, we don't explain art. I mean, that's just sort of something you feel. Well, you see, you look at a picture or a piece of sculpture and it either does something for you or it doesn't. Y'know?
- Columbo: Uh huh. This doesn't do anything for me.
- Francine: That's too bad.
- Harold Van Wick: You know, Lieutenant, my system is very elaborate and very sensitive. Uh, the more complex a system is, the more it is exposed to malfunctions. We have to accept these little problems from time to time. I'm afraid, Lieutenant, that your little parlor trick proved absolutely nothing.
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