- Joan Wilder: My heart just isn't in it. I mean, romance just doesn't seem real to me anymore.
- Gloria: Real? You don't write real - you write about people that sail off into the god damn sunset.
- Joan Wilder: Well, what about the next day, when the sun comes up?
- Gloria: There is no next day! That's why it's a romance. You've got to stop confusing real life with a romantic novel!
- Omar: Jack is dead.
- Joan Wilder: Don't be ridiculous! Jack would never die without telling me.
- Omar: Nevertheless, he's dead.
- [the Jewel is woken up by Joan chipping away at the bars of their cell with a two-by-four plank]
- Jewel: What are you doing?
- Joan Wilder: In my last novel, 'Angelina and the Savage Secret' Angelina used a nail file to chip away at the bars of her cell to remove them and escape to freedom.
- Jewel: How long did this take?
- Joan Wilder: Two pages.
- Jack T. Colton: I thought you said you wanted to sail around the world with me?
- Joan Wilder: Well, I do, but, but not all of it this week. I mean, Jack, this is just becoming a blur. Exotic ports. And great parties. And spectacular sunsets. It's not enough.
- Ralph: [to Jack] You're all I thought about for six months! They threw me in a jail filled with rejects from the communicable disease ward. Every wacko, drippy, open-sored low-life was in that joint... all of them wanting to hire on as my proctologist!
- Jack T. Colton: What the hell are you talkin' about? I don't even know who the hell you are!
- Tarak: You must come with me to help find the Jewel.
- Ralph: [face lights up] Jewel? What jewel?
- Tarak: The Jewel of the Nile. Our most pricess Jewel. Omar stole my people's Jewel. Omar is a very bad man.
- Ralph: Yeah, that scum, I spit on him! Jack... buddy? Let's help this nice man get his jewel back.
- Tarak: Yes... yes?
- Jack T. Colton: Here, I don't know where you're from or what you're on, but I'm sailing my boat tonight.
- Tarak: No! You must come to help find the Jewel now! Before Omar kill many people! As long as Omar have the Jewel... nothing can stop him.
- Jack T. Colton: Look, I'm going on the boat. You guys can do what you want.
- [behind Jack, his sailboat blows up; Jack slowly turns around looking stunned while both Tarak and Ralph are stunned as well]
- Ralph: The boat blew up.
- Jack T. Colton: My boat blew up?
- Ralph: The boat blew up!
- Jack T. Colton: Everything's gone.
- Ralph: Who are you? The prince of darkness? Don't you got any friends?
- Gloria: Literary functions are not exactly Jack's speed. I mean, the guy's favorite author is the man who wrote "Pull tab to open".
- Omar: You are a gifted storyteller. You create heroes in a world of cynics. Journey down the Nile with me and I'll give you a chance to record history.
- Tarak: Your woman is in danger too. I will take you to him.
- Ralph: I'm comin' too!
- Jack T. Colton: The hell you are!
- Ralph: Look, you owe me Colton. So, where ever you're going, I'm going. Where we going?
- [Omar has put Jack and Joan in a deathtrap copied from one of Joan's own books]
- Jack Colton: So how'd they get out?
- Joan Wilder: What?
- Jack Colton: In "The Savage Secret".
- Joan Wilder: Oh. Um... Jesse had a knife hidden in his boot. You wouldn't happen to have a knife, would you?
- Jack Colton: I'm not even wearing underwear.
- [the captive Ralph is being dragged across the desert floor by the Sufis]
- Ralph: [to himself] Oh, please. Let me get out of this alive. I swear to God, I'll be a good boy from tomorrow on.
- [Ralph and the rest of the Sufis see the smoke in the distance from the burning F-16 which was stolen by Jack]
- Ralph: But tonight, I gotta kill Colton!
- Jewel: [happily, as they run from assassin's bullets] Are we *jogging*?
- Joan Wilder: [panting] We are jogging!
- [while surrounded by native Africans]
- Jack Colton: Just keep smiling. Maybe they'll think we're with National Geographic.
- Joan Wilder: I'm going to write the truth about you!
- Omar: The truth? If I wanted the truth, I would have hired 60 Minutes.
- [Ralph comes face-to-face with Omar]
- Omar: Who are you?
- Ralph: Where's Al Jewelhala buried?
- Omar: I said, who the hell are you?
- Ralph: Hey, don't provoke me, pal! I've had a tough day here! You know how hot it is around here? It's 120 degrees in the shade! I'm like this with Weinberger! We'll be all over you like a cheap suit!
- [Jack, Joan and the Jewel are under fire from Omar's soldiers]
- Jack Colton: Okay, now let's go.
- Joan Wilder: [refering to the Jewel] Wait a minute, Jack. He's coming with us.
- Jack Colton: Don't start with me, Joan! I've come halfway across Africa to rescue you!
- Joan Wilder: Rescue me? I was doing fine without you!
- Jewel: [to Jack] Please, I am guide. I can help you.
- Jack Colton: I don't need a guide! I need a miracle!
- Jack Colton: Why does everything got to be your way?
- Joan Wilder: My way? It wasn't my idea to take off and sail around the world with you on your boat for the last six months!
- Jewel: I like this. You talk to each other like this often?
- Jack Colton: [to the Jewel] Well, let me tell you what I had to put up. Three months ago, we're moored off the Canary Islands, midnight, sound asleep. A boat of three crazed Joan Wilder fans decide that they want the anchor of the Angeline for a souvenir! We were drifting for days!
- Joan Wilder: Well, do you remember the incident at Gibraltar, Jack?
- Jack Colton: Oh, come on. Not that again.
- Joan Wilder: He has to meet me at the governor's mansion for a formal dinner, and you show up with the entire Italian National League Basketball team!
- Jack Colton: Hey, they were hungry.
- Joan Wilder: I read about you.
- Omar: Yes. I know, Time magazine. Well, I'm afraid the western press cannot understand the spirit of my vision. You are a writer. You can understand.
- Jack T. Colton: I'm sorry you had such a tough time. Ah, how 'bout a hundred bucks?
- Ralph: A hundred bucks? I'll give you a one-way ticket to harp land. No more jokes! What'd you do with it?
- Jack T. Colton: What are you talkin' about?
- Ralph: The stone, moron!
- Ralph: Ah, what's that I hear? A heart breaking? You sap! Better keep your mind on business, Romeo, you'll wind up gettin' yourself killed over some broad who dumped you.
- Tarak: You are guests of Omar. Find for us the jewel. Accept your destiny!
- Jack T. Colton: Destiny, my ass.
- Ralph: You hook up with a bunch of juju beads, you see what happens?
- Jack T. Colton: Just take you're lead from me and you'll be fine.
- Ralph: What are we going to do? Walk right through the center of town?
- Jack T. Colton: I'm going to put you up a camel's ass - for openers.
- Ralph: I think I might like it.
- Jack Colton: [Jack points flair gun at the F-16 Pilot] OK, flyboy. Your estimated time of departure is right now!
- Ralph: [after Ralph walks out of the catacombs into the riot taking place] Looks like Our Lady of Mount Carmel school yard.
- Joan Wilder: If you don't tell me what the hell is going on around here, I am going to be on the first plane back to New York!
- Omar: It's impossible. Tomorrow we journey to Kadhir where the following night I will proclaim myself Emperor of the Nile. You must be there with me. It will be your most important chapter.
- Joan Wilder: I can't write this book if you keep secrets from me.
- Omar: What secrets?
- Joan Wilder: Al Jewelhala.
- [Omar suddenly flinches and faces Joan]
- Omar: [alarmed tone] Where did you hear that?
- Joan Wilder: Never mind. What is the Jewel?
- Omar: [resumes speaking in a pleasant tone] The Jewel is a legend. I am real. Do not be distracted from your mission, Joan Wilder. Relax. Make yourself comfortable. You stay here with me until our book is done.
- Joan Wilder: [incredulous] What? You have no right to keep me here against my will!
- Omar: Then go. You're free to leave. Should you leave, I will not stop you... but I will not provide transportation to any airport, train station or port for you. Besides, only the worst kind of fool will attempt to cross our desert alone.
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