Howard Hesseman credited as playing...
Pete Lassard
- [Cmdt. Lassard's water in his fishbowl is boiling on the hibachi]
- Pete Lassard: This fish is boiling.
- Japanese Chef: Oh, you want stir fry?
- Pete Lassard: [over the CB radio] Come on, guys! Step on it!
- [Vinnie's dog steps on Captain Lassard's lap]
- Pete Lassard: [in pain] Not you, Lou!
- Chief Hurst: It's official, Captain Lassard. This is now the worst precinct in the entire city! Burglary up 25%, armed robbery up 30%, vandalism up 44%!
- Lt. Mauser: Sir, I think if you'll check, burglary is actually up 48%.
- Chief Hurst: [to Lassard] There? You hear that?
- [to Mauser]
- Chief Hurst: Who are you?
- Lt. Mauser: Mauser, sir. M as in man A-U, S as in Sam.
- Pete Lassard: Oh, shut up and sit down, Mauser. He didn't ask for your biography.
- Lt. Mauser: E-R, sir.
- Lt. Mauser: [in the squad room where Mauser is seen wearing a horrible-looking wig] Well, it seems that yours truly was the object of a malicious prank. Now, can anybody in here tell me...
- [exposes his hands covered in black glue residue]
- Lt. Mauser: How this happened?
- Carey Mahoney: I can, sir, and if you don't stop that, you could go blind.
- [the other officers start chuckling as Mauser and Proctor react in fury]
- Lt. Mauser: You think you're funny, don't you, Mahoney? Well, you're on report.
- [to Proctor]
- Lt. Mauser: Put him on report.
- [Proctor immediately gets out his notepad as an angry Captain Lassard enters the room covered in spray-paint graffiti]
- Lt. Mauser: We are not going to leave this room until we find out what happened!
- [Lassard angrily slams his coat on the table as he looks at Lassard]
- Lt. Mauser: What happened?
- Pete Lassard: [annoyed] What's going on here?
- Lt. Mauser: Oh, nothing, sir. I was just reprimanding your men.
- Pete Lassard: Oh, the hell with your goddamn reprimands.
- Lt. Mauser: No, sir, you don't understand.
- Pete Lassard: Shut up, Lieutenant, I have something to say!
- Lt. Mauser: [shows Lassard his hands] Sir, would you take a look at my hands?
- Pete Lassard: I think it's a matter of personal hygiene. I am talking about public safety!
- Lt. Mauser: [under his breath] Yes, sir.
- Pete Lassard: [to the officers] Now, listen up, everybody. This is serious. We've got to do something. This is war! Now, we didn't start it, but we are going to finish it. I don't care if we have to work time in a half, I don't care if we have to work double-time, but mark my words, we are going to nail these punks, starting now!
- [everybody jumps from their chairs waving their batons in glory]
- Sistrunk: Let's kick ass!
- [fires gun in the air, alarming everybody in the room]
- Pete Lassard: [he, Mahoney, and Schultman are sitting having dinner at a bar after all of them lose their jobs] We don't know where they come from, where they hide out. We don't even know who their leader is. Oh, I would just love to nail that bunch.
- Carey Mahoney: I'd love to get my job back.
- Vinnie Schtulman: I say we do what Baretta would do.
- Carey Mahoney: Baretta?
- Pete Lassard, Vinnie Schtulman: Yeah. Disguise yourself, go undercover, infiltrate that gang.
- Carey Mahoney: Schultman...
- Pete Lassard: You think YOU could do that?
- Vinnie Schtulman: No.
- [points to Mahoney]
- Vinnie Schtulman: But he could.
- Pete Lassard: [to Mahoney] He's right.
- Carey Mahoney: No.
- Pete Lassard: You're young enough. Hell, you look like one of the little creeps!
- Carey Mahoney: Sir, he's talking about a television show!
- Pete Lassard: All right, Mahoney, here's the deal. I can't pay you your salary, can't even give you expenses, and if you get yourself in a jam, I might not be able to bail you out. It could be dangerous.
- Vinnie Schtulman: You could get killed.
- Pete Lassard: He's right.
- Carey Mahoney: [after a pause] Sounds awfully tempting.
- Lt. Mauser: [now the commanding officer of the precinct and is grilling the rookies in the squad room] From this moment on, I am the commanding de facto of this precinct. My name is Lieutenant Mauser. Mauser. On Thursday last, yours truly was the object of a disgusting, personal attack and I would like to hear some names. Just some names.
- [everybody sits silently]
- Lt. Mauser: Okay. Have it your way...
- [walks over to Sistrunk]
- Lt. Mauser: ... but I will suspend EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!
- Carey Mahoney: [stands up] Sir... I did it.
- [Sistrunk points to Mahoney for Mauser and he walks over to him]
- Lt. Mauser: Mahoney, what--what kind of clown do you think I am?
- Carey Mahoney: A juggling clown?
- [everybody starts stifling their laughter as Mauser's left eye begins to twitch in anger]
- Lt. Mauser: You're suspended... INDEFINITELY! SIT DOWN!
- Pete Lassard: [stands up, much to Mahoney's shock] You can't do that!
- Lt. Mauser: What?
- Pete Lassard: You suspend him, you suspend me!
- Lt. Mauser: My pleasure! Sit down, smelly!
- Pete Lassard: [after Hurst angrily reads the city's crime statistics] Look, Hurst, what do you expect? You cut my budget, you cut my staff! I got nothing to work with! Look around! These guys are old, they're tired! They just can't cut it anymore.
- Chief Hurst: Well, maybe they need a new captain, Lassard. The mayor wants results. You remember the mayor? She wants something done about this. Now, what do you propose?
- Pete Lassard: I propose you take your nose out of MY business, go back to the mayor's office, and put it where it usually is.