- Prof. Jerry Milstein: It's a distinct possibility. We can make viruses now. An advanced civilization, they could make a perfect human.
- David Susskind: A real, three-dimensional human? A human human? There's a dichotomy in this...
- Prof. Jerry Milstein: If he's indistinguishable from you or me, what's the difference?
- Hemling Grotowsky: Where is his soul? This is the basic question.
- Rabbi Chaim Glassberg: How can he have a soul? His mother was a blender! The most he can have is a warranty.
- Priest Babcock Beastly: I think that this event is clear proof that there is a God in the universe.
- Hemling Grotowsky: This is clear proof that there is no God!
- Rabbi Chaim Glassberg: You're both wrong. This is proof that there is a God but He doesn't know what the hell He is doing.
- Eric Van Dongen: I designed those antidotes specifically to excite him, to enthrall him, with you.
- Dr. Cynthia Mallory: His feelings about me are not based on your little stories I can assure you.
- Eric Van Dongen: Oh, really? Well, what are they based on then?
- Dr. Cynthia Mallory: Something I do with my tongue.
- Eric Van Dongen: Cynthia, that's disgusting.
- Dr. Cynthia Mallory: Yes. That's why it works.
- Dr. Cynthia Mallory: My new book, entitled, "A Comprehensive History of Oral Sex Techniques Illustrated," has already been proclaimed a masterpiece by both Norman Mailer and Bess Myerson and has an advance printing off 100,000 copies.
- Lisa: Simon, they hypnotized you. Your friend, Becker, Mr. Wizard, he washed your brain and it shrunk!
- Commune leader: We have seen you on the sacred box.
- Lisa: The sacred box?
- Commune leader: The sacred box with the pictures.
- Lisa: Oh, television.
- Commune leader: We do not speak its name.
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: How do you feel about these film?
- Commune members: We love them!
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: Yes! And why?
- Commune members: Because it's on the sacred box.
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: But, you don't love everything that's on the sacred box?
- Commune members: Yes!
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: Celebrity bowling?
- Commune members: Yes!
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: Badly dramatized English novels?
- Commune members: Yes!
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: The commercial for the vegetable slicer at 3AM?
- Commune members: Yes!
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: Everything?
- Commune members: Yes!
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: Hmm. You like it when it goes: whooooooo...
- Commune members: Yes!
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: You like junk?
- Commune members: Yes.
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: Now, you've been watching Uncle Simon on television. And you've been listening *very* carefully to what he's been saying. Right? So, I want you to dig deep into your heart now. And tell me the most wonderful, beautiful thing in the entire world.
- Melody: Disco.
- Dr. Cynthia Mallory: My husband was a psychiatrist. He specialized in contemporary suicide.
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: Was a psychiatrist?
- Dr. Cynthia Mallory: Hmm mm. One day he took a bottle of Seconal and jumped off the roof.
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: Oh my god, he must have suffered terribly.
- Dr. Cynthia Mallory: No. I feel he was probably sleeping by the time he passed the third floor.
- Simon's mother: They need help, son. I want you to save the world.
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: Save the world? I can't even get a regular checking account, Ma!
- Commune leader: And Miltie begat Lucy who begat Mary who spun off Rhoda who spun off Phyllis.
- Commune members: Amen.
- Commune leader: And after seven years, Mary was cancelled. And after ten years, Lucy was cancelled. Yea, even after twelve years was Uncle Miltie cancelled. Thus, are we all cancelled eventually.
- Commune members: Mmm good, mmm good. That's what Campbell's Soups are, mmm good.
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: What do we do? I tell you what we do. We turn the planet into a spaceship and we move to another solar system were there is food and water and air. It can happen. Anything can happen. Dare to dream. Use the right side of your brains. Intuition. Imagination. Dreams. Uncertainty. Remember, we talked about the Uncertainty principal? Well, Heisenberg is predated a thousand years by the Zen poets! A thousand years. You can change the world with an idea. But, you have to think of the idea first. Listen to this. Wittgenstein said, listen to this, "I do not know what I do not know." Huh? Is that fantastic? "I do not know what -" Yes, Pam, what is it?
- Pam: Is this gonna be on the final?
- Lisa: Are you telling me that you come from out of space?
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: Not out of space. Outer space! Out of space doesn't mean anything.
- Maj. Gen. Korey: What the hell happened?
- Dr. Carl Becker: It's a gas. Apparently, whoever breathes it losses about a hundred points of IQ.
- Maj. Gen. Korey: Stupid-making gas, is that it? Makes the enemy stupid.
- Dr. Carl Becker: It seems like it.
- Maj. Gen. Korey: Well, where is he?
- Dr. Carl Becker: Where is who?
- Maj. Gen. Korey: The Martian, for Christ sake! He did this, didn't he?
- Dr. Carl Becker: He did what?
- Maj. Gen. Korey: Release the gas.
- Dr. Carl Becker: Yes. Oh, yes. That's lovely. Yes, he did.
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: Good afternoon everybody. I've been doing a great deal of thinking about who I am and why I have been sent here to live with you. And the answer is really very simple. Things here are just not working out very well. Your jobs are boring, your food is bland, your water is polluted and your relationships don't work. Is that not right? And the question is, how have things come to such a sorry state of affairs? I will tell you. There is too much bad suff around. Bad food, bad drink, bad art, bad ideas. Everything's all clogged up. So, what we're going to do is we're going to get rid of all the bad stuff and that will be a very good beginning. Now, I have a list here of things I would like written in the constitution immediately after which I promise you your lives will be less tense and more rewarding: 1. All muzak in elevators, airports, restaurants and other public rooms will cease immediately. 2. No more children or animals may be used to sell products. 3. Lawyers who lose cases will go to jail with their clients. 4. No doctor may write a diet book. Any doctor who does will immediately lose his license and become a dentist. 5. I think we don't really need a House of Representatives and a Senate. The Romans didn't have one, so let's just have a Senate, okay? Which reminds me, I think that it would be a very good idea if from now on all politicians who appear in public wear a cone-shaped party hat. Not bad, huh? 6. Pollution. Anybody who owns a factory that makes radioactive waste has to take it home at night with him to his house. 7. Anybody who says, "I am trying to get centered," "You are invading my space," or "Far out" will be fined $50. Make that $100.
- Simon Mendelssohn: [repated line] Start using the right half of your brain. You can move the world with an idea but you have to think of it first.
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: Forgive if I throw 500 years of science out the window with this. What if its all subjective? I mean the universe contains not one truth; but, an infinite number of truths. Right? Okay. Follow me. Take your black hole, for example. Your black hole is popular now, I submit, because what you got out there is a bunch of depressed scientists. You're not going to get any happy, well-adjusted scientists inventing a big object of a black thing that sucks you not a noodle-shaped object five million miles long and eats you up if you get too close to it. Think about it.
- Dr. Carl Becker: Is he resisting you?
- Dr. Cynthia Mallory: Resisting? Why would he do that? He has the perfect environment, the perfect equipment, the perfect fantasy, the perfect woman.
- Dr. Carl Becker: The key is death. If you spoke of death a lot it would make him sexually excited. He's that type.
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: You deserve justice, you people. Justice and a better way of life. That's what we're talking about, isn't it? Who's in charge around here? Who's responsible for the Hawaiian music in the elevators? And the paper band around the bathroom seats in the motels?
- Lisa: I went to the drug store to buy this test. They have these tests you can buy now. You do it yourself and it turned out positive. And so, I went to the clinic, because, I had them do a test on me and theirs was also positive. It confirmed - that they were both positive.
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: Right. So, what's that? You sick or what?
- Lisa: No, I'm pregnant.
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: Are you sure?
- Lisa: I guess I'm positive.
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: I give my best stuff too. Shakespeare. Pogo. The Prophets.
- Lisa: Maybe they don't want their lives improved. You know, maybe they like their lives the way they are.
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: They like that fake music in the elevators? They like those thin, gray hamburgers with the imitation sauce?
- Lisa: Simon, you just can't show up out of nowhere and tell a whole country what to like.
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: Emptiness. Emptiness. Ten billion years of evolution. Up from the slime! For what? They call this a culture.
- Lisa: I don't think its so bad. I think we've produced some good things too.
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: Oh, yeah? Such as?
- Lisa: I don't know. Fred Astaire. Penicillin. Air Conditioning.
- Eric Van Dongen: Now, if we could crossbreed a human with a roach, then, we would have a species that could last for, eh, 10 billion years.
- Lisa: Do you remember what happened last time with the peyote?
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: Nothing happened with the peyote.
- Lisa: You threw up for five days! You were dizzy. You missed your class. You made sounds like a wolf howling.
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: Three days is a completely normal side affect.
- Fichandler: Did you get the fluids? Did you get them? Did you get 'em?
- Dr. Cynthia Mallory: Did you get 'em? Did you get 'em? Did you get 'em?
- [gives Fichandler the vials]
- Fichandler: Are they fresh?
- Dr. Cynthia Mallory: They're fresh.
- Dr. Carl Becker: I'm the Director. To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?
- Maj. Gen. Korey: Pleasure? I'll give you pleasure, you pantywaste egghead. Jesus H. Christ, what a mess!
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: You've given the world something finally to believe in.
- Dr. Carl Becker: Ah, and what is that?
- Prof. Simon Mendelssohn: Me.
- Dr. Carl Becker: Sounds like he was pretty angry at you.
- Maj. Gen. Korey: Yeah, well, I got a flash for you fruit head. I don't give a shit about that.
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