- [after exiting the room of a bloody corpse]
- Kendall: You see it?
- Mary Riggs: YES! While we out here fumbling with that music... the lousy bastard was in there, KILLING HER! BASTARD! BAAAAASTAAARD! BASTAAARD!
- Female Student 1: Have you ever been laid on a waterbed?
- Female Student 2: The most beautiful thing in the world is smoking pot and fucking on a waterbed, at the same time.
- Kendall: Oh, hey, it's my Kung Fu professor. What's the story, Chao?
- Karate Proffesor: Ohhh, I am out jogging and next thing I know I am on ground! Something I eat, bad chop suey. So long!
- Kendall: [bidding him farewell] Take it easy.
- Sgt. Holden: Who knows? Right now we're just buying clothes without labels and trying them on for size.
- Det. Lt. Bracken: Where did you come from?
- Prof. Arthur Brown: What?
- Det. Lt. Bracken: I said: Where. Did. You. Just. Come. From?
- Prof. Arthur Brown: I was upstairs in the library.
- Det. Lt. Bracken: GOOD! I'll be talking to you later.
- Kendall: The lieutenant asked me to help Sgt. Holding go through some records down at City Hall.
- Mary Riggs: Well, well. Isn't the lieutenant unorthodox?
- Kendall: Well...
- Det. Lt. Bracken: Randy, I want you to run a complete check on the staff: Full background, IN DEPTH! If you have to, use the department's full budget!
- Sgt. Holden: Okay, Lieutenant.
- Det. Lt. Bracken: Heh, I figured you'd like that. But do your best job, pal. I don't think we have much time before the next one.
- [first lines]
- Timmy Weldon: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king's horses and all the king's men. Couldn't put the pieces together again.
- Suzie - Locker Room Victim: Hi!
- Female Student 1: Hi!
- Female Student 2: Hi! What's going down?
- Suzie - Locker Room Victim: You've been studying? Two hours of European history, I'm going to the pool!
- Female Student 1: Oh! There's our favorite professor! How'd you like to make it with him, Susan?
- Suzie - Locker Room Victim: Are you kidding?
- Female Student 1: The campus closet queen!
- [girls laugh]
- Suzie - Locker Room Victim: Oh that's not nice, I think he's a sugar plum!
- Female Student 1: Down girl, you know what they say about sugar?
- Suzie - Locker Room Victim: Crazy, bye!
- Female Student 1: Take care!
- [Suzie leaves]
- Female Student 2: What do they say about sugar?