Spaceballs (1987)

Bill Pullman: Lone Starr

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Dark Helmet : Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.

  Lone Starr : What?

  Dark Helmet : I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.

  Lone Starr : What's that make us?

  Dark Helmet : Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.

• Dot Matrix : How far did he get? What did he touch? What did he touch?

  Princess Vespa : Nothing happened.

  Lone Starr : What the hell was that noise?

  Dot Matrix : *That* was my Virgin Alarm. lt's programmed to go off before you do.

• Barf : I know we need the money, but...

  Lone Starr : Listen! We're not just doing this for money!

  Barf : [Barf looks at him, raises his ears] 

  Lone Starr : We're doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money!

• Lone Starr : Who hasn't heard of Yogurt!

  Princess Vespa : Yogurt the Wise!

  Dot Matrix : Yogurt the All-Powerful!

  Barf : Yogurt the Magnificent!

  Yogurt : Please, please, don't make a fuss. I'm just plain Yogurt.

• Minister : Do you?

  Lone Starr : Yes

  Minister : Do you?

  Princess Vespa : Yes

  Minister : GOOD, you're married. KISS HER!

• Lone Starr : I wonder, will we ever see each other again?

  Yogurt : Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.

• Megamaid Guard : What the hell are you doing?

  Lone Starr : The Vulcan neck pinch?

  Megamaid Guard : No, no, no, stupid, you've got it much too high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.

  [Lone Starr changes hand position] 

  Lone Starr : Like this?

  Megamaid Guard : Yeah!

  [guard falls to the ground] 

  Lone Starr : Thanks.

• [as they are trekking through the desert] 

  Lone Starr : Water. Water.

  Barf : [Barf is panting with his tongue hanging out] 

  Dot Matrix : Oil. Oil.

  Princess Vespa : Room service. Room service.

• Princess Vespa : Now listen you...

  Lone Starr : You listen. On this ship, you're to refer to me as 'idiot', not 'you captain'. I mean, you know what I mean.

  Princess Vespa : And you will not call me 'you'. You will never address me as 'you'. You will call me 'your royal highness'.

  Lone Starr : You are royal pain in the...

  Barf : Whoa, hold it, time.

• Barf : [Spaceball 1 roars by them, in a plaid colouration of speed]  Aah!

  Barf : What the hell was that?

  Lone Starr : Spaceball 1.

  Barf : They've gone to plaid!

• Lone Starr : We gotta get moving before dawn.

  Barf : Why so early?

  Lone Starr : Because we're in the middle of a desert and we're not going to get very far once that blazing sun gets overhead.

  [screen dissolves into a shot of the blazing sun overhead, with Lone Starr and Barf still slightly visible] 

  Barf : Nice dissolve.

• Princess Vespa : I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.

  Lone Starr : Oh great. That's all we needed. A Druish princess.

  Barf : Funny, she doesn't look Druish.

• Lone Starr : Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?

• Lone Starr : A million? That's unfair.

  Pizza the Hutt : Unfair to payor but not to payee. But you're gonna pay it, or else!

  Barf : Or else what?

  Pizza the Hutt : Tell him, Vinnie.

  Vinnie : Or else Pizza is gonna send out for *you*!

• Barf : Chief... I can't... I can't go any further. I can't go any further.

  Lone Starr : Just one more dune to go.

  Barf : That's what you said three dunes ago. I got no more left. Oh, waiter... cheque please.

  [collapses, dropping Dot] 

  Lone Starr : Must go on... MUST GO ON! Must go on...

  [stops] 

  Lone Starr : Who am I kidding?

  [Drops Vespa, collapses] 

• Barf : (reacting to the guards being shot by Princess Vespa) HOLY SHIT!

  Princess Vespa : How was that?

  Lone Starr : Not bad.

  Barf : Not bad... for a girl.

  Dot Matrix : Hey that was pretty good for RAMBO!

• Lone Starr : Helmet! So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time.

• Barf , Lone Starr : [after the chest-bursting alien dances across the counter at the diner]  Check please!

• Lone Starr : [sees Barf carrying a lot of luggage]  Checking in? What the hell is all that?

  Barf : [unintelligable from the bag in his mouth]  Ith her oyal igness' atched uggage!

  Lone Starr : What?

  Barf : [pulls the bag out of his mouth]  Her royal highness' matched luggage!

  Lone Starr : Matched luggage? What does she think this is, a princess cruise?

• Lone Starr : Well, what have we got here? Will you look at her? Those flashing eyes, those flushed cheeks, those trembling lips. You know something Princess? You are *ugly* when you're angry.

• Lone Starr : Called me an idiot! I'm going back there and explain a few things to her.

  Dot Matrix : Besides he got a sexy voice. He might be cute.

  Barf : Wait. You haven't seen what she looks like.

  Lone Starr : I know what she looks like. You've seen one princess, you've seen them all.

  Princess Vespa : Cute? I know these space bums, they're all alike. Fat, ugly...

  Lone Starr : Buck-toothed, knock-kneed...

  Princess Vespa : Beer-swilling pigs!

  Lone Starr : Horse-faced space dogs!

• Princess Vespa : [singing in a very deep tone]  Nobody knows...

  Lone Starr : It's coming from there.

  Barf : That can't be her.

  [Lone Starr and Barf walk toward the cell that the singing is coming from] 

  Princess Vespa : [singing in a very deep tone]  ... the trouble I've seen...

  [Lone Starr opens eye slot in jail cell door and sees Princess Vespa singing] 

  Princess Vespa : [singing in a very deep tone]  Nobody knows but Jesus.

  Lone Starr : It's her.

  Princess Vespa : [Barf looks in - Princess Vespa still singing in a very deep tone]  Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.

  Barf : She's a bass.

• Yogurt : Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr! Use the Schwartz!

  Lone Starr : I can't - I lost the ring!

  Yogurt : Forget the ring! The ring is bupkis! I found it in a Cracker Jack box! The Schwartz is in you, Lone Starr. It's in you!

• Princess Vespa : I really must go back. I shouldn't have run away. I realize now that love is one luxury a princess cannot afford.

  Lone Starr : You're probably right.

  Princess Vespa : I know now that I must learn to live without love.

  Lone Starr : I guess so.

  Princess Vespa : Besides, love isn't that important.

  Lone Starr : Nah... It never was!

  Princess Vespa : I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without...

  [turns and looks into Lone Starr's eyes, pauses] 

  Princess Vespa : love.

  Lone Starr : Sure you could.

  Princess Vespa : Without physical contact.

  Lone Starr : Yeah.

  Princess Vespa : Without being held.

  Lone Starr : Yeah.

  Princess Vespa : Or kissed...

  [they go to kiss, but right before they make contact, Dot Matrix's "Virgin Alarm" goes off] 

• Princess Vespa : [looking up at the night sky]  Which one's yours?

  Lone Starr : Who knows?

  Princess Vespa : You don't know where you're from?

  Lone Starr : Not really. I was found on the doorstep of a monastery.

  Princess Vespa : A monastery? Where?

  Lone Starr : Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy.

• Dot Matrix : [Mega Maid is sucking the air away from Druidia]  What'll we do?

  Lone Starr : We've got to act fast. Step one, we reverse the vacuum and blow the air back onto the planet. Step two, we destroy that thing.

  Princess Vespa : But isn't that dangerous?

  Lone Starr : Extremely. Plus, I don't know how the hell we're gonna do it!

• Yogurt : [Makes an strange noise from his throat when looking at Lone Starr's medallion] 

  Lone Starr : Oh, you can read it?

  Yogurt : No, I was just clearing my throat.

• Barf : The minute we move in they're gonna spot us on their radar.

  Lone Starr : Nuh-uh.

  Barf : Uh-huh.

  Lone Starr : Nuh-uh.

  Barf : Uh-uh.

  Lone Starr : Nuh-uh. Not if we jam it.

  Barf : Aha! You're right.

  Lone Starr : Down scope.

  Barf : Down scope.

  [puts down a periscope and targets the Spaceball 1's radar dish] 

  Barf : Radar about to be "jammed."

  [then, a huge jar of "jam" smashes into the dish] 

• Lone Starr : Now, hear this: the minute we get out of here, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage.

  Dot Matrix : What was that?

  Princess Vespa : Now, you hear this, whoever you are. You will not *touch* that luggage. And furthermore, I want this pigsty cleaned up. I will not be rescued in such filth!

  Lone Starr : Listen. On this ship, I don't take orders, I give 'em. This is my dreamboat, sweetheart.

  Princess Vespa : [insulted]  Sweetheart?

  Dot Matrix : Uh-oh.

• Lone Starr : I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.

  Yogurt : Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!

• Minister : I'm gonna take no more chances but to make a short version. Prince Valium, do you take Princess Vespa to be your lawfully-wedded wife?

  Prince Valium : [yawning]  Uh-huh.

  Minister : Princess Vespa, do you take Prince Valium to be your lawfully-wedded husband?

  Princess Vespa : Uh, well, I... I suppose. Well... oh, I don't know.

  Lone Starr : [entering with Barf]  No! She doesn't!

  Minister : What? Who the hell are you?

  Lone Starr : Prince Lone Starr.

  Princess Vespa : Prince?

  Lone Starr : [showing her his medallion]  I just found out. That's what this says. I'm an honest-to-God prince. Will you marry me?

  Princess Vespa : Well, let me think about it.

  [pushing Prince Valium away] 

  Princess Vespa : Yes!

  Minister : I'm sick of this. I don't give a damn who it is, but I'm gonna marry somebody today!

• Barf : [watching the "Alien" chestburster re-enactment]  Waitress! Waitress! What did he order?

  Waitress : Oh, he had the special.

  Barf : The sp... that's what I ordered! Change my order to the soup!

  Lone Starr : Good move.

• Lone Starr : [carrying Vespa's suitcase]  What the hell's in this thing?

  [opening it and taking out an exaggeratedly large hair dryer] 

  Lone Starr : What's this? I said take only what you need to survive.

  Princess Vespa : It's my industrial-strength hair dryer. AND I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT!

  Lone Starr : Okay, Princess, that's it. The fairy tale is over. Welcome to real life! You want this hot air machine, you carry it.

  Princess Vespa : [he drops it on the ground]  You pick that up.

  Lone Starr : *You* pick that up.

  Princess Vespa : How dare you, you insolent peasant? Nobody talks to me that way. Nobody!

• King Roland : [requesting Lone Starr's help to rescue Vespa]  You're the only ones that can save her! I'll give you anything! Did you hear me? Anything.

  Barf : Anything?

  King Roland : Yes, anything!

  Lone Starr : Okay. We'll do it for... a million.

  King Roland : A million?

  Barf : [preparing to toggle the video feed]  Oh, you're starting to fade here. We're losing picture, Your Highness.

  King Roland : All right, all right, I'll pay it. Only find her, save her.

  Lone Starr : All right, King. You just made a deal.

  Barf : One princess for one million space bucks.

  Lone Starr : What's she driving?

  King Roland : A brand-new white Mercedes, 2001 S.E.L. Limited Edition. Moon roof, all-leather interior. I got it at a very good price. I paid cash. My cousin, Prince Murray, has a dealership in the valley. He was very nice to me.

  Lone Starr : We get the idea. Where was she last seen?

  King Roland : She was just passing Jupiter 2.

  Lone Starr : We'll find her.

  King Roland : Please bring her back safely. And if it's at all possible, try to save the car.

• [Dark Helmet and Lone Starr are fighting. As they are fighting, Dark Helmet takes a swing with his saber at L.S. L.S. ducks and Dark Helmet ends up cutting down a movie crewman. Both D.H and L.S. stare for a moment] 

  Dark Helmet : Ummmm... He did it.

  Lone Starr : What?

• Barf : I still can't believe you turned down the money. At least we could have stayed for the wedding feast. I'm starvin'. Have you got anything to eat?

  Lone Starr : Nah. Oh, wait a minute. Yogurt gave me that fortune cookie. Here, chow down.

  Barf : Wow, thanks. I'll split it with you.

  Lone Starr : No!

• Lone Starr : Let's set a course for Druidia.

  Barf : Settin' a course for Druid-i-i-i...

  Lone Starr : [the ship begins shuddering]  What's that?

  Barf : I don't know. I don't know. We're losin' power. Why? 'Cause we're out of gas!

  Lone Starr : Must have burned it up in hyperactive.

  Barf : I told you we should have put more than five bucks' worth in!

  Lone Starr : Okay. We'll have to set her down. Prepare for an emergency landing. Quick, give me a reading!

  Barf : [praying]  Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed by Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done...

  Lone Starr : [hitting him]  Will you stop that?

• Waitress : Hiya, big stuff. Hi, dream. What'll you have?

  Lone Starr : We just got a couple minute while we're gassing up. What's ready?

  Waitress : I can give you the space soup or the space special.

  Lone Starr : Um, I'll have the soup.

  Waitress : Okay.

  Barf : I'll have the cleavage. Uh, special.

• Lone Starr : [entering a tunnel in Megamaid's ear]  There's gotta be a self-destruct mechanism somewhere in the central brain area.

  [the ship's infrared scanner stops] 

  Lone Starr : I think we just found it.

  Princess Vespa : Where?

  Lone Starr : Watch.

  [adjusting the camera angle] 

  Lone Starr : Bingo! There it is. It's right below us. Put her in hover, Barf.

  Barf : Putting her in hover.

  Lone Starr : I'm going down there.

  Barf : He's goin' down there. I wouldn't.

• Yogurt : Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here's your fortune. Lone Starr, you know that medallion that you wear around your neck, but you don't know what it means? Well, here's what it means. It's a royal birth certificate. Yes! Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen. Which makes you a certified prince.

  Lone Starr : Hey, I'm a prince! I'm a prince! Which means... .

  Yogurt : Which means, if you hurry, there could be a princess in your future. Now, if you wanna get back there before she marries Sleeping Beauty, there's a special can of fuel in your glove compartment. Good luck, boys.

  Barf : Bye, Yogurt!

  Lone Starr : And, Yogurt... thanks.

• Lone Starr : Dim the lights.

  Barf : [dims the lights]  Dimming the lights.

  Lone Starr : Go to infrared.

  Barf : [turns on infrared lights]  Going to infrared.

  Lone Starr : And pray to God.

  Barf : Praying to God.

• Lone Starr : Uh oh, here comes the Badyear blimp.

• Lone Starr : But, Yogurt, what is this place? What is it that you do here?

  Yogurt : Merchandising!