- Sam: You know when I saw 'Bonanza' the other day, something occurred to me.
- Ernest Tilley: Eh?
- Sam: Ya got these four guys living on the Ponderosa and ya never hear them say anything about wanting to get laid.
- Ernest Tilley: Huh.
- Sam: I mean ya never hear Hoss say to Little Joe, "I had such a hard-on when I woke up this morning."
- Ernest Tilley: No, no, no...
- Sam: They don't talk about broads - nothing. Ya never hear Little Joe say, "Hey, Hoss, I went to Virginia City and I saw a girl with the greatest ass I've ever seen in my life." They just walk around the Ponderosa: "Yes, Pa, where's Little Joe?" Nothin' about broads. I don't think I'm being too picky. But, if at least once, they talked about getting horny. I don't care if you live on the Ponderosa or right here in Baltimore, guys talk about getting laid. I'm beginning to think that show doesn't have too much realism.
- Bill Babowsky: [into the phone] Hey, asshole! This is the ultimate "fuck you"! I just poked your wife!
- Ernest Tilley: [into the phone] What are you talking about?
- Bill Babowsky: [into the phone] Yeah, she's in my bed right now with a very big smile on her face.
- Ernest Tilley: [into the phone] Well, that's just fine by me. She's a pain in the ass! An albatross around my neck! You're welcome to her. Keep her, and may you both rot in Hell!
- [hangs up]
- Nora Tilley: If we went on a picnic it would be fun.
- Ernest Tilley: I don't understand a picnic. We go someplace, we put a thing on the ground and eat.
- Nora Tilley: Yeah, it's nice to do that.
- Ernest Tilley: Why? I don't get it. It's better sittin' in front of the TV.
- Nora Tilley: I happen to think there's somethin' nice about a picnic. It's fun.
- Ernest Tilley: What's fun about it? Ants get in the food - there's bees. I don't get it. You have to drive - it takes you maybe an hour to get there. And then whataya do? You sit on the grass and eat. Why is that fun?
- Sam: [Sam and Tilley go out to bar to celebrate a sale that Tilley has made to break a long dry spell] You know, Tilley, I'm beginning to believe in God.
- Ernest Tilley: Yeah me too!
- Sam: No, you don't know what I mean. I'm beginning to think about God more.
- Ernest Tilley: What, you were never one of those atheists, were you?
- Sam: No, I'm not sayin' that. It's just that I'm beginning to give God more thought.
- Ernest Tilley: What, did you have some kind of religious experience or something.
- Sam: Well, yeah, the other day I took the wife to lunch, we went and has some smorgasboard, and it just kinda happened.
- Ernest Tilley: [Gags for a second at this] At the smorg... you found God at the smorgasboard?
- Sam: Well, yeah, I'm looking at all this food, I see all these vegetables, and I think, all these things came outta the ground. I see tomatoes, outta the ground, carrots, outta the ground, radishes outta the ground. And I think, all of these things come outta the ground. And I'm just talkin' about the vegetables, I haven't gotten to the fruits yet. And I think, how can that be? How can all these things come outta the ground? With all these things comin' outta the ground, there must be a God.
- Bill Babowsky: Are you a Lunatic? Are you tellin' me that you didn't see me comin' out of this lot? There's a red light there for cryin' out loud! You're supposed to stop!
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