- [Sitting at the dinner table]
- Freddy Benson: Excuse me. May I go to the bathroom first?
- Lawrence Jamieson: Of course you may.
- Freddy Benson: [after a pause, and with relief] Thank you.
- Freddy Benson: I didn't steal any money from her! She gave it to me.
- Inspector Andre: But, she filed this complaint against you.
- Freddy Benson: She caught me with another woman. C'mon. You're French, you understand that!
- Inspector Andre: To be with another woman, that is French. To be caught, that is American.
- Lawrence Jamieson: Freddy, as a younger man, I was a sculptor, a painter, and a musician. There was just one problem: I wasn't very good. As a matter of fact, I was dreadful. I finally came to the frustrating conclusion that I had taste and style, but not talent. I knew my limitations. We all have our limitations, Freddy. Fortunately, I discovered that taste and style were commodities that people desired. Freddy, what I am saying is: know your limitations. You are a moron.
- [Ruprecht is mauling Lawrence's new girlfriend]
- Lawrence Jamieson: Ruprecht, do you want the genital cuff?
- Freddy Benson: His name is - James. No. His name is - James Josephson. Oh, no, no! James Lawrence. Lawrence! Lawrence! Lawrence. Lawrence Fells. Lawrence Fings. Forest Lawrenceton. La - Lars. Lars! Lawrence. Lawrence Lacko. Lawrence. His name is James Jessenden. Lawrence Fells. Lawrence Jesterton. Lawrence Jesterton.
- Inspector Andre: Lawrence Jamieson?
- Freddy Benson: Yes! Yes! Yes! We're like this!
- Janet Colgate: Fellas, last year I made 3 million dollars, but your 50 thousand was the most fun. Are you ready? Then let's go get 'em.
- Freddy Benson: [telling a phony story to sucker Janet into giving him money] I was engaged to a girl back in the States. And we loved to dance... we wanted to be professionals, isn't that silly? And we got an opportunity to compete on television, on Dance USA. So we agreed that if we won, we'd get married. So we went on, and we danced, and we won!
- Janet Colgate: That's great!
- Freddy Benson: And in the excitement, we got separated. So I went back to the studio, and there they were. Naked, dancing... and then they stopped, and they made love right there on the dance floor!
- Janet Colgate: [gasps] Who was she with?
- Freddy Benson: Denny Terrio, the host of Dance USA.
- Lawrence Jamieson: Do you ever have a single thought that originates from above the waist?
- Freddy Benson: No!
- Freddy Benson: [Reading Janet's note] Hello Boys. It was fun. I'll miss you. Love, Janet. The Jackal. P.S. I'm keeping the money. Is that wrong?
- Freddy Benson: [omitted from the profit distribution] Excuse me. What about me? What do I get?
- Lawrence Jamieson: You are the student. You get knowledge.
- English Sailor #1: [to a 'wheelchair-bound' Freddie, as Lawrence tries to goad him into getting up and dancing... two sailors are watching and one calls out to Freddie] Oy! Oy mate! Who's the asshole!
- English Sailor #2: [joining in] Get up and dance, he says! I'd like to smack him one!
- Freddy Benson: Listen. We're the weaker sex. Men don't live as long as women. We get more heart attacks, more strokes, more prostate trouble. I say it's time for a change. I say let them give us money. Let's live off them for a while. That probably shocks a guy like you, right?
- Lawrence Jamieson: Well, it's rather a revolutionary thought.
- Freddy Benson: Arthur, I'm sorry I broke your VHS player. I want you to give me the make and model number. As soon as I get settled, I'm gonna send you a check.
- Arthur: Oh, shut up.
- Freddy Benson: Of all the lousy... She is disgusting. She is lying. She is deceitful. She is two-faced. She is conniving, and she is dishonest!
- Lawrence Jamieson: Heh, heh, heh... Yes... Isn't she wonderful?
- Lawrence Jamieson: You've been banging on your pots again, haven't you? I've told you... if you keep on doing it, you won't have any pots left
- Freddy Benson: [in a childlike voice] Oh, Lawrence! This is the happiest day of my life! I think my testicles are dropping!
- English Sailor #2: [after watching Lawrence continue to goad Freddie] Why that piece of shit!
- [calls out to Freddie]
- English Sailor #2: Oy! There's a plane leaving at one o'clock for Honduras. How'd you like your friend to be on it?
- [Freddie nods gratefully]
- Freddy Benson: My grandmother is wonderful. She has a laugh that can make the birds sing. But she's been quite ill lately and the hospital bills have been adding up. I just wanna do my share. It's kinda tough for me because I was never very good with money. I just seem to take what the Red Cross pays me and I give it right back to them. But I am going to help my gram-gram. She is the one who taught me it is better to be truthful and good - than to not.
- Freddy Benson: I look great, don't I? I know the moves!
- Lawrence Jamieson: Yes, Freddy. You're ready.
- Lawrence Jamieson: Don't worry, Ruprecht. We won't go anywhere without you.
- Freddy Benson: [pretending to be Ruprecht] Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma!
- Lawrence Jamieson: [to the rich Lady from Oklahoma] He'll enjoy Oklahoma's wide-open spaces. He loves to run and run and run.
- Freddy Benson: Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma!
- Freddy Benson: Of all the lousy - She is disgusting! She is lying! She is deceitful! She is two-faced! She is conniving and she is dishonest!
- Lawrence Jamieson: Yes. Isn't she wonderful?
- [first lines]
- Lady with Pearls: Your Highness, please allow me to make this little contribution.
- Lawrence Jamieson: No, I cannot accept them.
- Lady with Pearls: But think of what these could do for your cause.
- Lawrence Jamieson: Even though I know those pearls would mean freedom for many of my people, I will not take them.
- Lady with Pearls: Please. Please! These could save the lives of many men.
- Lawrence Jamieson: The men of my country are proud. They would die rather than have their Prince accept charity.
- Lady with Pearls: Then think of the lives of the women, the mothers.
- Lawrence Jamieson: The women of my country fight alongside the men. They are also too proud to accept charity.
- Lady with Pearls: Then consider the lives of the children. The innocent children.
- Lawrence Jamieson: But - for the children.
- [Lawrence accepts the pearls]
- Inspector Andre: She's the blonde in the blue sequined dress. Extremely rich, very married, eminently corruptible and a willing infidel.
- Lawrence Jamieson: Perfect.
- Freddy Benson: Look what I did in the dining car! She gave me 100 francs. That's like, uh, 20 bucks! Do you have any idea what it feels like to take a woman for 20 bucks?
- Lawrence Jamieson: No, I haven't. I'm afraid it's a little out of my class.
- Lawrence Jamieson: Freddy. This is really very serious. They don't treat gigolos lightly in France.
- Freddy Benson: What do you mean?
- Lawrence Jamieson: Until 75 years ago, they were still castrating them.
- Freddy Benson: Oh, Lady Fanny of Omaha?
- Fanny Eubanks: He called me Lady Fanny?
- Freddy Benson: Oh, yes. Lady Fanny of Omaha.
- Lady from Oklahoma: There's that smile! Daddy says we're gonna have the biggest weddin' Tulsa's ever seen.
- Lawrence Jamieson: I have wonderful news. Miss Trumble and I are going to be married. And we are going to live in Oklahoma.
- Freddy Benson: Really?
- Janet Colgate: You heard that awful story about his girlfriend and the dancer. How did that make you feel?
- Lawrence Jamieson: It made me physically sick.
- Freddy Benson: Oh, come on! She's keeping the mink. I mean, if we take her for everything, she still comes out with a very very nice mink.
- Lawrence Jamieson: Freddy, the women I deal with are carefully screened. They're wealthy and corrupt. I never take advantage of the poor or the virtuous.
- Janet Colgate: So, Nikos Papandropolous, I'd like you to meet the favorite son of Australia, Chips O'Toole.
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