Bill Murray credited as playing...
Frank Cross
- Frank Cross: [looking around at dilapidated surroundings] Well, this is nice. Where are we, Trump Tower?
- Frank Cross: It's Christmas Eve! It's... it's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we... we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be. It's a... miracle. It's really a sort of a miracle. Because it happens every Christmas Eve. And if you waste that miracle, you're gonna burn for it, I know what I am talking about. You have to do something. You have to take a chance. You do have to get involved. There are people that are having... having trouble making their miracle happen. There are people that don't have enough to eat, or people that are cold. You can go out and say hello to these people. You can take an old blanket out of the closet and say "Here!", you can make them a sandwich and say "Oh, by the way, here!" I... I get it now! And if you... if you give, then it can happen, then the miracle can happen to you! It's not just the poor and the hungry, it's everybody's who's gotta have this miracle! And it can happen tonight for all of you! If you believe in this spirit thing, the miracle will happen and then you'll want it to happen again tomorrow. You won't be one of these bastards who says "Christmas is once a year and it's a fraud", it's NOT! It can happen every day, you've just got to want that feeling. And if you like it and you want it, you'll get greedy for it! You'll want it every day of your life and it can happen to you! I believe in it now! I believe it's going to happen to me now! I'm ready for it! And it's great. It's a good feeling, it's really better than I've felt in a long time. I, I, I'm ready. Have a Merry Christmas, everybody.
- [Calvin steps forward]
- Frank Cross: Did I forget something, big man?
- Calvin Cooley: [nods, speaks his first words in five years] God bless us, everyone.
- Frank Cross: It's Christmas Eve! It's... it's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we... we... we smile a little easier, we... w-w-we... we... we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be!
- Frank Cross: I want to see her nipples.
- Censor Lady: But this is a CHRISTMAS show.
- Frank Cross: Well, I'm sure Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples.
- Carpenter: You can barely see them nipples.
- Frank Cross: See? And these guys are REALLY looking.
- Frank Cross: Do you think I'm way off base here?
- Elliot: Yes. You're, well, you're a tad off base, sir. That thing looked like The Manson Family Christmas Special!
- Lew Hayward: I was a captain of industry; feared by men, adored by women.
- Frank Cross: Adored! Come on, let's be honest, Lew. You *paid* for the women!
- [Props man tries to attach antlers to a mouse]
- Mouse Wrangler: I can't get the antlers glued to this little guy. We tried Crazy Glue, but it don't work.
- Frank Cross: Did you try staples?
- Ghost of Christmas Present: Close your eyes...! And think of snowflakes and moonbeams and whiskers on kittens...
- [She notices Frank peeking and goes to jab his eys with two fingers]
- Ghost of Christmas Present: Nooooo peeking!
- [Frank blocks the jab and closes his eyes]
- Ghost of Christmas Present: Of rainbows, forget-me-nots... of misty meadows and sun-dappled pools. Oh, look! There's Mr Hedgehog. I wonder where he's going? Perhaps to HARLEM!
- [She punches Frank]
- Frank Cross: My jaw!
- Ghost of Christmas Present: Sometimes the truth is painful, Frank.
- [She slaps his face]
- Ghost of Christmas Present: But it's made your cheeks rosy and your eyes bright!
- Frank Cross: If you TOUCH ME AGAlN, I'll rip your goddamned wings off! Okay?
- [after pouring a bucket of water on a waiter he thought was on fire]
- Frank Cross: I'm sorry. You know I thought you were Richard Pryor!
- Herman: Boy, that Dick sure knows how to drink, huh?
- Frank Cross: Why do you keep calling me "Dick"?
- Herman: I'm sorry, Mr. Burton, I guess we don't know you well enough yet to call you Dick.
- Frank Cross: I am the youngest president in the history of television for a reason: I know the people.
- Elliot: Well, uh... granted but the people already wanna watch the show.
- Frank Cross: [a pause; shouting] That isn't good enough! They have got to be so scared to miss it! So terrified!
- [Quieter tone]
- Frank Cross: Now if I were in charge, and I am.
- [laughs. IBC Executive laughs along with him but Frank looks at him and he shuts up]
- Frank Cross: Perhaps I can help you. Here's the kind of thing I would have done. Grace, cue it up.
- [Frank stands in front of the screens. Thunder sounds and ominous music start playing]
- Scrooge Promo Announcer: Acid rain.
- [Images and sounds of people screaming; Frank makes a screaming face]
- Scrooge Promo Announcer: Drug addictions.
- [Shows a guy groaning and shooting up on heroin. Scene changes to a jet taking off]
- Scrooge Promo Announcer: International terrorism.
- [Jet blows up in midair. Scene changes to a guy pulling a shotgun out of a car]
- Scrooge Promo Announcer: Freeway killers.
- [Guy with shotgun fires]
- Scrooge Promo Announcer: Now more than ever...
- Frank Cross: [Speaking along with announcer] It is important to remember the true meaning of Christmas.
- Scrooge Promo Announcer: Don't miss Charles Dickens' immortal classic Scrooge. Your life...
- Frank Cross: [Speaking along with announcer] ... might just depend on it.
- [Promo holds on the image of a nuclear explosion. Frank takes a sip of coffee and looks at the executives]
- Frank Cross: Not bad, huh?
- Frank Cross: It's not too late on Christmas Eve to have fun, you can call an old college roommate, call, you know an old army buddy, call your personal banker. HEY! I don't hear any partying in that booth, Elliot!
- Elliot: Great!
- [fires shotgun, silent pause down below on the set]
- Elliot: You heard him, party!
- Frank Cross: Now why wasn't I invited?
- Elliot: Now that was just an innocent window and you saw what I did to that! Ugh! You don't know who you're dealing with!
- Frank Cross: It's a night, you gotta party hardy Marty!
- Frank Cross: [about Calvin] He's a bright little guy. What's wrong with him?
- Ghost of Christmas Present: He hasn't spoken since he saw his father killed five years ago. He just drifted away, like Sleeping Beauty.
- Frank Cross: I didn't know Grace's husband died.
- Ghost of Christmas Present: Oh Frank, don't you remember the time she wore black for a year?
- Frank Cross: I remember her wearing black... I thought it was a fashion thing. Everybody was wearing black!
- Ghost of Christmas Present: Oh Frank.
- Frank Cross: Well, is he going to be okay?
- Ghost of Christmas Present: It's his choice, only he can break the spell.
- Ghost of Christmas Past: Let's face it, Frank. Garden slugs got more out of life than you.
- Frank Cross: Yeah? Name one!
- [Frank is confronted by the ghost of his old boss]
- Frank Cross: No, you are a hallucination brought on by alcohol... Russian vodka poisoned by Chernobyl!
- Ghost of Christmas Past: You left Claire for Frisbee the dog? Frank, let me sum this up for you: you don't know who you are, you don't know what you want, and you don't know what the hell is going on!
- Frank Cross: I've made a few mistakes. I gotta live with that. But I do know who I am, I know what I want, and I know what's going on!
- Ghost of Christmas Past: [the Ghost has disappeared into a monitor, and whistles to get his attention] Hey, Frank! Up here!
- Frank Cross: What's going on?
- Ghost of Christmas Past: How should I know? I'm just the ghost! So long, sucker!
- Frank Cross: Same old Claire... still trying to save the world.
- Claire Phillips: You still trying to run it?