Quotes

The Misadventures of Mr. Wilt

[Henry bursts into the church, to find the vicar trying to strangle Eva]
Henry Wilt: Now you listen here, if anyone's going to murder my wife, it's going to be me!

[Flint has found Henry in the graveyard]
Inspector Flint: I bet if we dug up these graves, we'd find a dead body in every one!
Henry Wilt: Well, so would I!

Inspector Flint: Your wife! Your wife is *dead*!
Henry Wilt: You know what, Inspector, for the first time since I met you, you're in danger of actually being right about something!
[Henry wacks Flint into an open grave with the shovel, and runs off]

Inspector Flint: [to Wilt, who has just attacked him thinking he is a mugger] I *am* the fucking police, you gormless erection!

Henry Wilt: So what am I supposed to have done with the body, then?
[sarcastic]
Henry Wilt: Dissolved it in a huge vat of acid?
Dr. Pittman: Aha!
Henry Wilt: Oh, come on! Do you know how much acid that would take?
Dr. Pittman: Why don't you tell me?
Henry Wilt: No, anybody who'd believe that theory can't have his head screwed on straight!
[Dr Pittman has a noticeable crick in his neck]

Eva Wilt: [reads from the Bible on the lectern] "Beauty in a woman without good judgement is like a gold ring in the snout of a swine."

Henry Wilt: I couldn't feel inferior to a merchant banker for the same reason I couldn't feel inferior to a 30-watt light bulb. They are both dim and server no discernible function!

[Flint has realised that Henry is innocent of all charges]
Inspector Flint: In that case, *I* am under arrest. I am hereby arresting myself, for conspiring to falsify evidence for the wrongful arrest of a private citizen, misuse of police manpower and resources, and for knowingly obtaining an unlicensed firearm from an illegal source, with intent to murder and maim.
[Hands shotgun to Eva]
Inspector Flint: I am not obliged to say anything, but anything I do say can be noted and used as evidence. If someone would care to call the police, I shall be in the cemetery.
[Flint exits, while Henry joins Eva]
Henry Wilt: He's been under a lot of stress, lately.

Inspector Flint: [Wilt has just told him what happened to Eva's note] Do you mean to say that the one piece of evidence that could corroborate your story is wrapped round a turd half way to the North Sea?
Henry Wilt: Yes.
Inspector Flint: How tragically inconvenient!

Henry Wilt: [to a policewoman] Do you think they'll want to do a cast of my face for the Chamber of Horrors?

Henry Wilt: [face to face with Inspector Flint in the cemetery] You cretinous testicle!

Inspector Flint: You're inferring we're all thick?
Henry Wilt: No, I'm IMPLYING you're all thick, you're inferring that that is what I'm IMPLYING.

Cranham: [Pointing the the expanding appendage on the blow up doll] Now that's what I call a blow job!

[Wilt signed a confession with a false name]
Henry Wilt: [later on] Why didn't I sign my own name? I'd be safely locked up in Broadmoor by now!

Dr. Pittman: Does this remind you of anything?
Henry Wilt: A Rorsharch inkblot test! That's not what you meant, though, is it? You meant is it reminiscent of some object.

Cher: Love hurts, love scars, love wounds, love mars. Takes a lot of pain, takes a lot of pain, love is like a cloud, holds a lot of rain. Love hurts.

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Top Gap

By what name was The Misadventures of Mr. Wilt (1989) officially released in Canada in English?