- Phyllis: [telling a "scary story" to the girls] It was a cold and rainy day in March. I went to Cristophe's where I usually get my hair done, but Cristophe wasn't there. He had mysteriously disappeared. In his place was a stranger named Rinaldo. I'll never forget him. His eyes were steely gray. His hands were like ice. He said, "I'll streak your hair and I'll give you a body wave." He worked very fast and then, as he turned my chair around to face the mirror, I saw it. He permed me!
- Phyllis: Her recommendations for a campsite were totally unsuitable. There were no outlets. And there was dirt, and bugs, and... and it rains there. So anyway, we've found a place that's much more us: the Beverly Hills Hotel.
- [the Red Feathers, including Velda's daughter Cleo, abandon an injured Velda in order to win]
- Velda: CLEO! I was in labor with you for 17 hours! I bought you your first tricy... I have patches, girls! I can get you into West Point.
- [the Red Feathers disappear into the distance]
- Velda: YOU LITTLE BITCHES!
- [Velda's scream is so loud that Troop Beverly Hills happens to hear it]
- Tessa DiBlasio: Oh, my god. What's that?
- Phyllis: Don't worry, it's probably just one of nature's beasts.
- Velda: [shouts] Ingrates! I hate children! I hate them!
- Phyllis: [Realizes who the voice is] Yup! It's a beast, all right. Move out.
- [Velda sees that a skunk was responsible for Troop Beverly Hills coming in first ahead of Red Feathers]
- Velda: [Picks up skunk] You're gonna pay for this! Yes, you are!
- Tessa DiBlasio: [Examining Velda's leg wound] There's multiple contusions, and possibly a cracked fibula, and a severe personality disorder.
- Tessa DiBlasio: [stomping out Phyllis's cigarette ash] Mrs. Nefler! We're above the fire line! And you shouldn't smoke, it's bad for you. And it disguises nervous conditions which you should deal with in other ways.
- Lily Marcigan: Smokey Bear says, "Only you can prevent forest fires."
- Phyllis: Well, Smokey Bear isn't going through a horribly mess divorce!
- Phyllis: What an adventure! Isn't nature fabulous, girls?
- [the girls suddenly run ahead of her]
- Phyllis: Oh, good spirits, Tiffany! Good spirits, girls! A few positive words from me and they get their second wind.
- [looks behind and sees the skunk that is coming after them]
- Phyllis: AH!
- [runs after the girls]
- Troop: We're the girls from Beverly Hills, shopping is our greatest thrill!
- [Phyllis has taken the troop with her to her divorce court hearing so they can observe the judiciary process]
- Hannah Nefler: [whispers and waves to her dad] Hi, Daddy.
- Claire: [waves to her father, the attorney who is representing Freddy] Hi, Daddy.
- Freddy: [to Hannah] Hi, sweetie.
- Jack Sprantz: [to Claire] Hi, sweetie.
- Jasmine Shakar: Excuse me, officer, don't you know who this man is? This here's the man who put the space in Spacer's teeth. The man who knocked the hair off Hatler's head. He's the best. He's the greatest. He's my daddy, James the Jackhammer Shakar. Now daddy, shake the man's hand and let's be on our way.
- [Phyllis and the troop watches Freddy drive off with his younger girlfriend Lisa]
- Hannah: Don't give up, Mom. He'll never marry her.
- Tessa DiBlasio: It's just a typical male midlife crisis. See, he's got to prove that he's still sexually attractive. My dad's been going through it.
- Phyllis: How long?
- Tessa DiBlasio: Eleven years.
- [after a dispute about joint custody with Freddy]
- Phyllis: [throws drink in Freddy's face] Good night, Freddy!
- [walks off but not seeing the swimming pool in front of her, falls in]
- Phyllis: [hysterically] Help! I'm drowning. God. I'm...
- [realizing everyone at the party is staring at her, Phyllis regains her composure and walks out of the pool]
- Freddy: [to the silent crowd] Hi, going through a divorce.
- [the crowd nods in understanding and carries on partying]
- [Lisa has fallen off the boat into the marina]
- Phyllis: Oh! Lisa, too bad! Are you okay, honey?
- Lisa: No, damn it! Throw me a lifesaver!
- Phyllis: No problem.
- [rummages through purse]
- Phyllis: Butterscotch or Wintergreen?
- Freddy: Man.
- [prepares to jump in the water to save Lisa]
- Phyllis: Oh, stop. She'll be all right. Silicone is buoyant.
- Velda: Maybe you never heard of a little troop called the Red Feathers? They were out there at that same site camping last week. They chopped down trees, and wove their own cloth, and lived off berries and squirrel meat. And never once did they have to go to the bathroom.
- Phyllis: [disturbed] It must have been the squirrel meat.
- Velda: [after seeing that Troop Beverly Hills have managed to make it to the other side of the ravine despite the sabotaged bridge] Damn! Those little Dim-besses are *really* starting to bug me.
- Motorcycle Cop: May I see your license and registration, please?
- James Shakar: What's the problem, officer?
- Motorcycle Cop: You know how fast you were going back there?
- Jasmine Shakar: Excuse me, officer, don't you know who this man is? This here's the man who put the space in Spacer's teeth. The man who knocked the hair off Hatler's head. He's the best. He's the greatest. He's my daddy, James the Jackhammer Shakar. Now daddy, shake the man's hand and let's be on our way.
- Motorcycle Cop: How do you do, sir? Glad to meet you.
- [shakes hands]
- Motorcycle Cop: Can I-can I get your autograph.
- [offers speeding ticket to write on]
- James Shakar: Not on that thing, you won't.
- Jack Sprantz: Your Honor, my client would like to petition for an earlier court date if possible.
- Phyllis: So what's the rush? What is this, Reno?
- [to the troop]
- Phyllis: Never go to Reno, girls. The California community property laws can't be beat.
- [the troop nods in approval]
- [Phyllis is awarding badges to the girls]
- Phyllis: And to Lily Marcigan, for teaching us how to launder money and crush a revolution, I'm proud to present the international-affairs patch.
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