- Lisa: [22:15] You okay?
- Gary Wallace: Well, my nuts are halfway up my ass, but other than that, I'm perfect!
- Lisa: Have you ever wondered how sad it is, that your son's only sexual outlet is tossing off to magazines in the bathroom?
- Lucy Wallace: Oh Gary! Oh my God!
- Gary Wallace: Ma, I never tossed off to anything!
- Lucy Wallace: You told me you were combing your hair!
- Gary Wallace: I was! I was!
- Lisa: You know, there's going to be sex, drugs, rock-n-roll... chips, dips, chains, whips... You know, your basic high school orgy type of thing. I mean, uh, I'm not talking candlewax on the nipples, or witchcraft or anything like that, no, no, no. Just a couple of hundred kids running around in their underwear, acting like complete animals.
- Lisa: [56:25] You had to be big shots didn't you. You had to show off. When are you gonna learn that people will like you for who you are, not for what you can give them. Well, in your race for power and glory, you forgot one small detail.
- Wyatt: We forgot to hook up the doll.
- Lisa: You forgot to hook up the doll.
- Lisa: [13:34] You guys created me, I didn't come from anywhere. Before you started messing around with your computer, I didn't even exist. By the way, you did an excellent job. Thank you.
- Chet: [opens a pantry door, his grandparents are in there, frozen] Hi Nanny, hi Grampy.
- Chet: [closes door and turns to everyone else] I'm not a moron, you know. I...
- Chet: [suddenly realizes] Was that my grandparents?
- Chet: [Lisa nods, Chet opens the door again] Are they dead?
- Lisa: Oh, no, they're just resting.
- Chet: What are they doing in here?
- Lisa: I put them in there. I didn't want the boys to get into trouble. Quite frankly, they weren't having a very good time at the party.
- Chet: Not having a good time? Do you think they're having a good time being catatonic in a closet?
- [Gary is chanting incoherently. Wyatt seemed very confused by his best friend's odd behaviour. They are both wearing bras on their heads]
- Wyatt: Gary?... By the way, why are we wearing bras on our heads?
- Gary Wallace: [hesitates] Ceremonial.
- Susan, Perfume Salesgirl: [31:15] You guys looking for something for your mom?
- [Gary and Wyatt exchanged an amused look]
- Gary Wallace: I really don't think so...
- [reads her nametag]
- Gary Wallace: Sue.
- Susan, Perfume Salesgirl: [astonished] You guys have... girlfriends?
- Gary Wallace: You know, I really wouldn't refer to a 23-year-old woman as a girlfriend... more of a lover...
- Gary Wallace, Wyatt: Lover... mistress.
- Wyatt: Sexpot.
- Gary Wallace: Sexpot is what she is.
- Susan, Perfume Salesgirl: You guys are the ones who got beat up at the homecoming game... right?
- Wyatt: A missile! A MISSILE! A MISSILE IN MY HOUSE, GARY!
- Max: [Banging on it] Yup, this puppy's for real all right.
- Gary Wallace: It was an accident. You know it happens.
- Wyatt: ACCIDENT MY ASS, GARY! MY PARENTS ARE COMING HOME. CHET'S COMING HOME. THEY'RE GONNA FREAK OUT!
- Gary Wallace: They're gonna shit egg rolls.
- [the drunk Gary starts laughing and buries his face in Wyatt's shoulder]
- Wyatt: [nervously] He's not laughing at you, Chet.
- Gary Wallace: [still laughing; nods] Yes, I am.
- Wyatt: Do you think Lisa's having a good time?
- Gary Wallace: Lisa could have a good time at an insurance seminar, Wyatt.
- [the woman that Gary and Wyatt created is looking for a name]
- Gary Wallace: [15:35] How about Lisa?
- Lisa: Why Lisa?
- Gary Wallace: Why not?
- Wyatt: He used to like a girl named Lisa.
- Lisa: [smiles] Oh yeah? Old girlfriend?
- Wyatt: She kicked him in the nuts.
- Gary Wallace: [annoyed] Will you shut the hell up?
- Wyatt: [sympathetically] Look Gary, it wasn't your fault. All you said was hello to her.
- Gary Wallace: [annoyed] Look Wyatt, shut up!
- [Wyatt puts up his hands defensively, indicating that he will shut up. He looks slightly hurt by Gary's treatment of him as he was only trying to help]
- Gary Wallace: How's your stomach?
- Wyatt: It's a little better.
- Gary Wallace: [starts pacing] If you're going to float an air biscuit, let me know, okay?
- Wyatt: [confused] Float a what?
- Gary Wallace: [slightly annoyed] If you're gonna fart, if you're gonna squeeze cheese, let me know, okay? I'll hit the fan!
- Wyatt: I'm sorry, Gary, it's just I suffer from pain and discomfort due to occasional stomach upset.
- Gary Wallace: Maybe it was a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet, detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria.
- Wyatt: [referring to Lisa] Do you think she'll understand?
- [Gary puts his arm around Wyatt's shoulders]
- Gary Wallace: I'm sure she will. I mean, I sure as hell wouldn't wanna date you.
- [Wyatt grins]
- Gary Wallace: You're not my type, you know.
- Gary Wallace: That's not a bad idea.
- Wyatt: What?
- Gary Wallace: Making a girl. Actually making a girl. Like Frankenstein... except cuter.
- Wyatt: [stands up] You're serious?
- Gary Wallace: Yes.
- [Gary grabs Wyatt by the collar and pulls him towards him]
- Gary Wallace: Look me in the eye. Do I look serious?
- Wyatt: Gary Wallace, that's-that's gross! That's sick! I am not digging up dead girls!
- Gary Wallace: [Gary puts his hand over Wyatt's mouth and sits him down on the bed] No, I'm not talking about digging up a dead girl, Wyatt. I'm talking about your system, idiot, your computer!
- [Gary and Wyatt have just returned home from a bar. Gary is very drunk but Wyatt is perfectly sober]
- Chet: [to Wyatt] If he pukes, you die.
- Gary Wallace: This isn't my car. This isn't my suit. Those weren't even my friends.
- Deb: Why are you telling me this?
- Gary Wallace: Because I want you to like me for what I am.
- Deb: Whatever you are, I like it.
- Lisa: What are you so nervous about? Everything's cool.
- Gary Wallace: EVERYTHING'S COOL! Yeah yeah. My dad's gonna castrate me. And my mother almost had like cardiac arrest. My parents are not gonna let me in the house again and if they do I'm gonna be grounded till I'm about 45. But other than that everything's great. Everything's cool. In fact things can't get any better.
- Lucy Wallace: Yes. It's Gary. It's our boy Gary. He's our 16 year old boy.
- Al Wallace: No, no, no. I don't know what the hell your talking about Lucy, and I want you to shut up.
- Chet: [pointing a rifle at Gary's face] Freeze!
- Gary Wallace: Chet!
- Chet: [Hits Gary in the head with the rifle] Where's my brother?
- Gary Wallace: Ow... uh, I don't know.
- Chet: [Hits Gary again] You're dead meat pilgrim!
- [Points the rifle at Deb]
- Gary Wallace: Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet, that's her nose. Come on, Chet she's got nothing to do with this!
- Chet: Ok. You die, she walks out of here with a severe limp.
- [Points the rifle at Gary and Deb repeately, then hits both in the head]
- Chet: I'll be back.
- [Leaves the room]
- Gary Wallace: That's Wyatt's older brother Chet. He's kind of an asshole.
- [Gary and Wyatt are about to go out with Lisa and they both are wearing dorky suits and hairstyles]
- Wyatt: What are we going to do with her?
- Gary Wallace: Look, we'll just go with the situation okay? And I'm sure by Sunday you'll think of something. You're a very bright guy. I have a lot of faith in you okay?
- Wyatt: I'm just being practical.
- Gary Wallace: I know you are and I apperciate it.
- Wyatt: But what are we going to do about this mess?
- Gary Wallace: Wyatt you have plenty of time to clean up tommorrow okay?
- Wyatt: Ok but don't get any B.O. on Chet's suit, or he'd kill me.
- [they walk out of the room and all of a sudden they are wearing nice suits]
- Wyatt: Where are we going anyway?
- Gary Wallace: I don't know she said we're going downtown and OH MY GOD! Whose stuff is this? Is this yours?
- Wyatt: Oh shit!
- Gary Wallace: What's going on here?
- Wyatt: I don't know.
- Gary Wallace: Wyatt, what's going on here?
- Wyatt: GARY I DON'T KNOW! But you look good though all right?
- Gary Wallace: Yeah?
- Wyatt: Yeah.
- Wyatt: Gary, you're just as uptight as I am, all right?
- Gary Wallace: Nobody could be as uptight as you! Nobody! Your middle name is tense. Wyatt "Tense Up" Donnelly.
- Wyatt: All right, this is true, this is true.
- Gary Wallace: It's true.
- Wyatt: But it's not so bad. We can hear the music.
- Gary Wallace: [sarcastically] We can hear the music, that's great. Maybe if we put our noses to the door, we can smell the food!
- Gary Wallace: [3:49] Where'd your parents go anyway?
- Wyatt: Cincinnati. They're meeting the guy my sister wants to marry.
- Gary Wallace: Chloe? Who the hell would want to marry Chloe?
- Wyatt: He's studying to be a vet.
- [He grimaces slightly, wondering if that has anything to do with it]
- [Wyatt is driving himself, Gary and Lisa back to his home. Gary is very drunk]
- Gary Wallace: Gimme de keys! Gimme de keys!
- Wyatt: [to Lisa; concerned] Is he going to be okay?
- Gary Wallace: You know, I can't believe this, Wyatt. I'm so disappointed in us. I mean, all our lives we've been saying how great it would be if we went to parties, right? And now it's our party and we're in the john. We're in the john!
- [Wyatt and Lisa are going downstairs. He looks very nervous and tense]
- Lisa: Wyatt, you're going to have a heart attack by the time you're forty if you don't learn to relax. Have you tried inversion boots?
- Wyatt: Gary, where the hell do you get that thing?
- Gary Wallace: It's a squirt gun, man.
- [Suddenly, there's a loud bang and a chandelier crashes to the ground. Both Gary and Wyatt look terrified]
- Lisa: If you ever get the chance, shower with them. I did. Mmm, it's a mindscrambler. Hurts so good.
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