Rodney Dangerfield credited as playing...
Thornton Melon
- Thornton Melon: Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes.
- Professor Terguson: You remember that thing we had about 30 years ago called the Korean conflict? And how we failed to achieve victory? How come we didn't cross the 38th parallel and push those rice-eaters back to the Great Wall of China?
- Professor Terguson: [rips a desk apart] Then take the fucking wall apart
- [shouts]
- Professor Terguson: brick by brick and nuke them back into the fucking stone age forever? Tell me why! How come? Say it! Say it!
- Thornton Melon: [incensed] All right. I'll say it. 'Cause Truman was too much of a *pussy wimp* to let MacArthur go in there
- [shouts]
- Thornton Melon: and blow out those Commie bastards!
- Professor Terguson: Good answer. Good answer. I like the way you think. I'm gonna be watching you.
- Thornton Melon: [chuckling to his classmates] Good teacher. He really seems to care. About what I have no idea.
- Thornton Melon: What's your favorite subject?
- Bubbles: Poetry.
- Thornton Melon: Really? Well, maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow.
- Thornton Melon: The football team at my high school, they were tough. After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family.
- Thornton Melon: Oh, you left out a bunch of stuff.
- Dr. Phillip Barbay: Oh really? Like what for instance?
- Thornton Melon: First of all you're going to have to grease the local politicians for the sudden zoning problems that always come up. Then there's the kickbacks to the carpenters, and if you plan on using any cement in this building I'm sure the teamsters would like to have a little chat with ya, and that'll cost ya. Oh and don't forget a little something for the building inspectors. Then there's long term costs such as waste disposal. I don't know if you're familiar with who runs that business but I assure you it's not the boyscouts.
- Dr. Phillip Barbay: That will be quite enough, Mr. Melon! Maybe bribes, kickbacks and Mafia payoffs are how YOU do business! But they are NOT part of the legitimate business world! And they are certainly not part of anything I am doing in this class. Do I make myself clear, Mr. Melon!
- Trendy Man: Mr. Melon, your wife was just showing us her Klimt.
- Thornton Melon: You too, huh? She's shown it to everybody.
- Trendy Man: Well, she's very proud of it.
- Thornton Melon: I'm proud of mine too. I don't go waving it around at parties, though.
- Trendy Man: It's an exceptional painting.
- Thornton Melon: Oh, the painting.
- Diane: Actually, I'd like to join you, but I have class tonight.
- Thornton Melon: Oh. How 'bout tomorrow night?
- Diane: I have class then, too.
- Thornton Melon: I'll tell you what, then. Why don't you call me some time when you have no class?
- Diane: [laughs] Alright. Maybe I will.
- [after Diane gives Thornton an 'F' for his report, which was actually written by Kurt Vonnegut]
- Diane: Whoever *did* write this doesn't know the first thing about Kurt Vonnegut!
- [cut to Thornton's dorm suite]
- Thornton Melon: [on the phone] ... and *another* thing, Vonnegut! I'm gonna stop payment on the check!
- [Kurt tells him off]
- Thornton Melon: "Fuck" me? Hey, Kurt, can you read lips? *Fuck you*! Next time I'll call Robert Ludlum!
- [hangs up]
- Thornton Melon: [on his second wife] Oh, we were doomed from the start. I'm an Earth sign. She's a Water sign. Together, we made mud.
- Thornton Melon: I don't know. I can't figure women out. Today, they're... independent. They only think about themselves. Why, during sex, Vanessa - she used to scream out her own name!
- Thornton Melon: Please, try to understand. I don't have the background for this. I mean, the high school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity, he threw the teacher out the window!
- Thornton Melon: [television commercial] Hi there. Are you a large person? Pleasantly plump? A little on the hefty side, perhaps? Well, let's face it: Are you FAT? When you go jogging, do you leave pot-holes? When you make love, do you have to give directions? At the zoo, do the elephants throw YOU peanuts? Do you look at a menu and say 'OK'? Well, now, you can eat all you want, because at Thornton Melon's "Tall & Fat" stores, we've got you covered. That's right. Fine woolen, and woolen-blend suits and sport coats, in all the larger sizes - husky, stout, extra-stout, and the new Hindenburg line. And for you ladies we have caftans, muumuus, and our own exclusive A-frame in all colors and patterns. Yes, we have miles and miles of fabric. So take it from me, Thornton Melon, if you want to look thin, you hang out with fat people.
- Player #1: Hey, Lutz! You know who I am?
- Derek: Um, let me see. Uh, protruding supra-orbital ridges.
- [the football player picks up Derek by his shirt]
- Derek: Small cranium. Uh, 1300 cc brain. Hmmm. Neanderthal Man!
- Player #1: [to Jason] You. I want you to call his mother. You tell her he's never coming home.
- Jason Melon: Whoah. Hold it, hold it. You sure you even got the right guy? I mean, look how many people got blue hair these days. You know?
- Player #1: Shut up, meat-head!
- Thornton Melon: Hey, take it easy, will ya? I mean, the war's over. Get new parts for your head.
- Player #1: Yeah? Wanna make something of it?
- Thornton Melon: Oh, no, no. I never get physical. I just get upset. And when I get upset...
- Thornton Melon: [points at Lou] HE gets physical.
- [Lou takes a metal napkin holder and crushes it with one hand]
- Lou: [stepping up to the player] You got a problem?
- Player #1: No. I haven't got a problem.
- Lou: Well, now you do.
- [Lou slugs the football player in the stomach, resulting in a full scale bar brawl with the football team]
- [after a female student answered why America pulled out of Vietnam]
- Professor Terguson: Is she right? 'Cause I know that's the *popular* version of what went on there. And a lot of people like to believe that. I wish I could, but I was *there*. I wasn't here in a class room, hoping I was right, thinking about it.
- [shouting]
- Professor Terguson: I was up to my knees in rice paddies, with guns that didn't work! Going in there, looking for Charlie, slugging it out with him; While
- [shouts]
- Professor Terguson: pussies like you were back here partying, putting headbands on, doing drugs, and
- [shouts]
- Professor Terguson: listening to the goddamn Beatle albums! Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Thornton Melon: Hey Professor, take it easy. These kids were in grade school at the time, and as for me... I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover.
- Thornton Melon: Home, Sweet Home.
- Lou: I liked the old house better.
- Thornton Melon: So did I.
- Lou: I liked the old wife better, too!
- Thornton Melon: [laughs] Lay off Vanessa. She gives great headache. Lou, I can't believe it. Married five years. Seems like yesterday!
- Thornton Melon: [sighs] And you know what a lousy day yesterday was.
- Thornton Melon: Listen, Sherlock. While you were tucked away up here working on your ethics, I was out there busting my hump in the REAL world. And the reason guys like you got a place to teach is 'cause guys like me donate buildings.
- Thornton Melon: I think I'm attracted to teachers. Yeah, I took out an English teacher. That didn't work out at all. I sent her a love letter... She corrected it!