Billy Crystal credited as playing...
Danny Costanzo
- Danny Costanzo: [on car phone, in strange voice] Uh, hello? Can I talk to Detective Sigliano and Detective Montoya pleeeassse? My name is Pinky, is this the detective? Hi, I usually inform for Hughes and Costanzo but they don' pay me no mo'... Oh, no! Oh, I'm watching the new "Jeopardy!" and a man missed a Bible question because he did not know what Deuteronomy waaaas! Oh yeah, I'll help you. I want you to get Gonzales and show up Hughes and Costanzo, they don't pay me no mo' and I'm maaaddd! Oh, no! Ya dummy, the answer is ipswich clams! The man who can take you to Gonzales, his name is Adam Robertson. He's a high-fallutin' lawyer type who lives at 1358 Lake Shore Drive. Oh, Motha! Motha! Can I have some more petite marshmallows in my hot cocoa... Gotta go, Final Jeopardy's on!
- Danny Costanzo: Let's bust 'em.
- Ray Hughes: For what?
- Danny Costanzo: In this neighborhood, a Mercedes is probable cause.
- Danny Costanzo: [Bullets bounce off the windows of the custom car] It works! It's really bullet-proof!
- Sister Rebecca: Thank you, Lord!
- Ray Hughes: Thank you Ace!
- Danny Costanzo: [to Julio] *Nothing*!
- [makes faces at him, then tries to roll the window down]
- Danny Costanzo: The windows won't roll down!
- Ray Hughes: You asshole Ace!
- Danny Costanzo: [points his gun at the thug threatening Hughes] Hablo, Smith and Wesson? You have the right to remain DEAD. Anything you do will be used against you. You have the right to a CORONER. If you cannot afford one, we will appoint a medical examiner for you.
- Danny Costanzo: Garcia, I said one backup! *One backup*! You bring the Rose Parade!
- Sergeant Garcia: You never called for a backup before! We figured,
- [cracking up]
- Sergeant Garcia: ...we figured it was a riot.
- Ray Hughes: [furious] Get in the car. Would you get in the car, Mr. Backup?
- Captain Logan: You're gonna what?
- Danny Costanzo: Quit. Leave. Depart. Vamoose. Amscray.
- Ray Hughes: Retire! This is our official 30 day notice.
- Captain Logan: Let me tell you something. When you've been cops this long, you are not fit for anything else. What are you gonna do, open a bar?
- Ray Hughes: [gives Danny a sidelong glance] We're looking for some new career challenges.
- Danny Costanzo: Yeah, something with a future.
- Captain Logan: Show me another career they let you shoot people.
- Danny Costanzo: [to priest and nun after hair-raising cab ride] Hey father, you and your wife owe me 28.50.
- Danny Costanzo: [as a trash compactor is about to crush their car, with Danny and Ray inside] Oh, sure. Nag at me! Nagging's good! You still owe me ten bucks and I never said anything!
- Ray Hughes: You want it now?
- Danny Costanzo: YEAH, I WANT IT NOW!
- Captain Logan: [to Ray and Danny] Hey! That jumper yesterday? Just got a flash from the coroner on the cause of death!
- Danny Costanzo: Oooh, let me guess. Deceleration trauma.
- Ray Hughes: Cement poisoning.
- Captain Logan: He drowned.
- Danny Costanzo: Oh, poor guy couldn't swim or fly, huh?
- Danny Costanzo: [Having learned his ex-wife will marry a dentist] Do they play the same music at home that they play in the office?
- Captain Logan: You had to be rescued like a couple of rookies. Maybe you need a rest.
- Ray Hughes: We don't need a rest.
- Captain Logan: Well, I need a rest from you. I'm approving your request for vacation.
- Danny Costanzo: No! We got too much goin' on!
- Captain Logan: [chuckles] You know, it's a very bad sign when a cop thinks that Chicago will fall apart without him. You're on vacation, effective now.
- Ray Hughes: We're not goin'!
- Captain Logan: Let me tell you something. If I find you in the city, I'm gonna have you arrested. If you step one foot in this station house, I'm gonna have you shot.
- Anna: You can't be a kid your whole life, you're gonna have to grow up!
- Danny Costanzo: Why? I don't like grown ups.
- Danny Costanzo: [Walking out of the Bar] What the hell are we doing in Key West?
- Ray Hughes: Its as far south as we can go without having to speak Spanish
- Captain Logan: I hear you two watched 'em mop up the pancake today.
- Danny Costanzo: Hi, Captain.
- Captain Logan: You two weren't, uh, interrogating a suspect up on the roof, were you?
- Ray Hughes: We got an alibi, Captain. Snake, tell him where we were or we'll kill you, too.
- Ray Hughes: [finds Gonzales hiding under a tarp] You're under arrest! You know the routine.
- [Gonzales stays quiet]
- Danny Costanzo: Very good. You have the right to remain silent. Now what else?
- Ray Hughes: [punches Gonzales in the stomach] WHAT ELSE!
- Danny Costanzo: [growls angrily] Anything I say may be used against me in a court of law.
- Danny Costanzo: That's two, you're doing great. Now what's next?
- Julio Gonzales: I have the right to an attorney. If I cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to me by the court.
- Ray Hughes: Yeah! Yeah. Now do you understand these rights you just explained to us?
- Julio Gonzales: Oh yeah.
- Danny Costanzo: It is such a pleasure to deal with professionals. Refreshing.
- Julio Gonzales: You gonna die for this!
- Ray Hughes, Danny Costanzo: Oooh!
- Ray Hughes: I can feel the tension in the air!
- Danny Costanzo: [unable to arrest Snake] This block is being designated a Neighborhood Watch Area. There's a guy up here named Snake. He's wearing garage-sale clothes and the top of his head looks like a parakeet. He also has FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS in small bills in a briefcase. As his neighbors, it is your responsibility to make sure there are no suspicious characters or evil perpetrators lurking in the area who would seek to do him harm. Again, FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS in small bills, tax free, in a briefcase right in this apartment. Which has a really cheeseball lock! You can bust your way in there, bop him on the head, take the money, nobody would know! So it's UP TO YOU. Thanks a lot, have a good day.
- Danny Costanzo: Did you say I was rich? We'll have dinner at the Pump Room. Appetizers and everything. Then, I'm gonna buy me one of those mondo laser disc stereos were the speakers are so big that I have to move out, you know. Good seats for the Cubs games! I'm gonna give you ten thousand. I lie!
- Danny Costanzo: [driving their car on the L tracks] Try not to scrape the third rail, OK? There's about 600 volts in there.
- Ray Hughes: It's not the voltage that gets you. It's the amps.