User reviews

Hard Ticket To Hawaii has two bimbo travel to Hawaii to fight off drug-lords who are distributing the bad powders on paradise and this shall not stand when our bimbos and meat-heads, Er I mean the DEA are in town looking for a little take out. Hard Ticket To Hawaii brings up a few questions that I was constantly thinking about throughout. Mainly when did the DEA stop using mandatory IQ tests? Why is it that every DEA agent carries at least a double D breast size and why must every woman look like a model? The answer is of course that this is a Andy Sidaris movie and in this type of movie, heroes don't need much intellect to save the world, after all the villains are just as dense. Hard Ticket To Hawaii is surprisingly competent as these things go, I mean it isn't at all any good but it does deliver what it promises. In fact fans of the genre maybe amused by this effort, even if it is for all the wrong reasons. Also the movie interestingly predates the whole Snake On Plane routine as indeed this is the first movie to ever a have a wild snake on a plane.

* * out of 4-(Fair)

I suspect that the bulk of my review for any Andy Sidaris movie will sound something like this: big boobs... blah blah blah.... guns... blah blah blah.... great ass... shower scene... blah blah blah.... jacuzzi... blah blah blah (which will save me a fair amount of time at the keyboard, I suppose). While this all sounds well and good, I'm only two movies into my 12-film Girls, Guns and G-Strings box set, and I'm already finding Sidaris's initially promising formula of big breasted babes, bullets and bad guys extremely hard work thanks to the the uninspired scripts and pedestrian direction.

Hard Ticket To Hawaii actually proves even more tedious than its predecessor Malibu Express, with a weaker plot (hard to imagine such a thing is possible, but here it is) and less sex (although, admittedly, still plenty of nudity from a bevy of hard-bodied babes); even the film's sillier scenes—a skateboarding assassin and his blow up sex-doll being shot out of the sky by a bazooka, a bad guy killed by a razor-edged frisbee, and a snake infected with toxins from cancer infested rats bursting out from a toilet bowl—are so poorly realised that they fail to make this anything but a massive B-movie bore, albeit one with great tits and ass.

3.5 out of 10, rounded up to 4 for IMDb.

"Hard Ticket to Hawaii" is a movie that seems to have all the right ingredients, but somehow they never quite gel. There are beautiful, fit women in skimpy clothing or less, exotic locations, witty / corny dialogue ("If brains were bird crap, your cage would be clean"), killer frisbees (!), explosions, etc. But the pacing could have been snappier, the girls could have kicked more a$$ (the villainess-bodybuilder is definitely underused), and that snake is the fakest snake in the history of snakes! Still, Dona Speir handles her role with conviction and Hope Marie Carlton is just adorable. For all his flaws, Andy Sidaris remains one of the few American directors who love the girls-with-guns genre so much. (**1/2)

First there was the Bicycle Thief, then Citizen Kane, Gone With the Wind, Doctor Zhivago, Gahndi, and now Hard Ticket to Hawaii. Breathtaking cinematography and cunning script writing make this a must-see for all who aspire to create "films" rather than movies. Dona Spier (grossly ignored by the academy) spews forth her lines with an enthusiasm unseen since the great Shakespearean actresses of the 18th century. Andy Sidaris is a shrewd judge of talent and is horribly underestimated, as his films are usually ignored at the Cannes and Aspen film festivals. I rate this a 10.

Two law officers stumble onto a drug operation on an isolated Hawaiian island and are killed. Donna and Taryn are working for The Agency. They fly their small plane with honeymooners and a stowaway toxic snake infected with cancer infested rats. They leave the honeymooners on the deserted beach. Drug lord Seth Romero is transporting diamonds in his remote control helicopter but the girls intercept them while fighting off gun toting henchmen. The girls get help from Rowdy Abilene and Jade from the Agency as they battle Seth's goons at Edy's resort.

There is no denying that this is intended to be a B-movie of guns and boobs. It has some limited charms if not taken seriously. The production is amateurish. The boobs from these Playboy models are big. The shootouts are done poorly and laughably. It's unintended comedy. The acting is slightly better than porn level. The lines are really cheesy to the point of being funny bad. I think somebody can come up with a great drinking game with this movie.

Even though the Malibu Express yacht returns, this is not a real sequel to the movie "Malibu Express". Dona Speir starred for the first time in one of Sidaris' movies; tough guy Rodrigo Obregon and Playboy playmate Cynthia Brimhall would become familiar faces in the series of action movies with lethal ladies, too. "Hard Ticket To Hawaii" begins with two female pilots who carry an extremely dangerous snake on board of their plane. The snake escapes and spreads death, but the two ladies are also in danger because they interfered unknowingly with the plans of diamond smugglers. The movie suffers from a mediocre story, silly dialogs and poor acting, but with a lot of action and the fine craftsmanship behind the camera, it becomes easy to sit through. This is the 2nd out of my 12 reviews for the works of Andy Sidaris, in chronological order. Even if "Hard Ticket To Hawaii" isn't among my personal faves, I have the impression that due to the learning experience from this, some of the following works became much better.

A mercenary (Or something) played by soap opera star Ron Moss helps his siliconed girlfriend (Donna Speir) and her equally titanic breasted partner (Hope Marie Carlton)take out drug dealers while having lots of sex and taking lots of hot bathes in this atrocious yet hilarious film that is so poorly made and makes so little sense that you have to cave in and accept it on it's own boneheaded level. The movie has the worst acting I've ever seen, and i'm counting my sister's theater version of Sound Of Music and along the way is filled with so much nudity and stupid violence that I give it two stars, However something that has me curious is if this nonsense is meant to funny or if it's really that bad? Whatever the case it doesn't matter, afterall this maybe the only movie ever, in which the hero forgets to even shoot the main bad guy, and then half way home turns around because of his glaring mistake. Don't even get me started on that snake. The quality is terrible but this is the perfect so bad it's good fare.

Matt Bronson 2/5

Sometime in the late 20th century, the stars aligned and allowed Andy Sidaris to make a string of movies that would be impossible to even consider in any other time period. They appear to come from the mind of a newly pubescent teenage boy with no limitations: "That should explode! They should be topless! There should be a snake! Kill someone with a frisbee!"

While sexism is the centrepiece, with women being objectified in both dialogue and wardrobe, in the film's defence, it also contains a litany of impossibly hard bodied men. Basically everyone is young, toned and just one cheesy pickup line away from getting it on in a hot tub. It balances the sex to violence ratio just enough to be more cinema than soft core porn, though just barely. Filling the cast with centrefolds ensures a bevy of bad acting, though most of the hilarity stems from the terrible lines they're given to say. The plot is nearly nonsensical, flipping from drug cartels to snakes to skateboarding gunmen at a moments notice. There are plenty of laughs throughout, and while many are unintentional, I refuse to believe it didn't somewhat have it's tongue in it's cheek. This makes it one of the rare occurrences where a film that leans into it's own goofiness still classifies for so-bad-it's-good status.

Just finished this gem. It aspired to be a Bond film and achieved everything it wanted to. Beyond the incredible T&A, murder frisbee, and lines of cunnilingus, it was just entertaining . I loved this film. 10/10 would recommend. bravo.

You must know by now that "Hard Ticket to Hawaii" is filled with humorous violence and gorgeous women.The violence doesn't feel cruel or personal. It's more of a device for telling a real story. The Playboy models in scanty outfits are a celebration of the human form, not pornography.

My father and brother would watch this movie together. They knew the plot and lines well enough to recite them, along with the actors. The movie bled over into real life, and they would say the lines to each other when the moment felt right.

As my father descended into terminal Alzheimer's disease, this film was his one last link with reality. Watching this film would bring him out of his stupor, and he would become verbal again.

Now that Father is gone, the entire family watches this movie once a year,on Christmas Eve. We make eggnog, eat fruitcake, and wear sweaters. And cry some, too.

There's a place in the world for just about every kind of film. You have your Oscar baiting serious fare on one end, and then you have stuff like the Andy Sidaris oeuvre. The man played his own particular formula for everything that it was worth: combine gorgeous Playboy Playmates with James Bond type action scenarios and breathtaking scenery. The Hawaii setting is a wonderful backdrop indeed for these cheerfully sleazy and silly shenanigans. The story (if anybody does care) involves two extremely comely female special agents, Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton), who intercept a shipment of diamonds intended for a crime lord, Seth (Rodrigo Obregon). Oh, did I mention the cross dressing spy, or the hilariously phony looking deadly snake? They get worked into this mix, creating results that if not really inspired do make for generally agreeable entertainment. There's a knowingly cheesy approach to the whole thing, and Sidaris takes the time to promote himself as his work is advertised with use of posters from his previous films; he also does a cameo as a TV director. The film has genuinely amusing and entertaining characters, from smooth agent Rowdy Abilene (Ronn Moss), cousin of the Cody Abilene character from "Malibu Express", to his goofy pal Jade (Harold Diamond) to nefarious criminal kingpin Mr. Chang (Peter Bromilow). Of course, this is basically a vehicle for the charms of Ms. Speir and Ms. Carlton, and even if they're not overwhelmingly blessed in the acting department, that hardly matters. The voyeur in many of us will appreciate Sidaris taking each and every opportunity to have our sexy female cast members bare their breasts. There's also a fair bit of stuff blowing up real good to help keep this from ever getting dull. Overall, this is a good 'n' bouncy diversion worth a look for lovers of trashy B cinema. Seven out of 10.

Near the beginning of this movie, when the two buxom secret agents take their tops off and get into a Jacuzzi BEFORE they examine some evidence, I knew this was going to be a movie not to take seriously. Unfortunately, the plot is so ridiculous and the acting so atrocious that no amount of sex and violence can save it. How adults can think that anyone can buy into a movie like this is beyond me. For example, our heroes plan to break into the villain's fortress by playing Frisbee with the guard on the beach(?) and then switching the Frisbee with a razor-blade ringed one. Does it work? If you have to ask, then I guess you are the target market for this movie.

The members of the academy have selected this film into our Hall of Fame mainly on the physical attributes of Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton. These two lovely ladies make a (have a) wonderful pair and their camaraderie give this film a uplifting spirit seldom seen (think Newman & Redford). Throw in the changing clothes scene of Cynthia Brimhall and the topless walk-thru by Patty Duffek and the mix is complete. This is the first entry of the Sidaris spy-action movies with this ensemble. It is also the best work by Speir and Carlton in terms of acting without the threat of costumes stealing the scene. So grab a brew and watch this piece from start to the closing credits where the nude scenes are reshown (a wonderful final tribute thanks to the genius of Andy Sidaris).

So the acting is atrocious, just like every other aspect of the movie, except: boobs, snakes on planes, rocket launchers, grenades thrown from motor gliders, more boobs, karate, sumo, shurikens, nunchucks, katanas, killer freesbees, drones used for trafficking, some boobs, sexism in the movie industry accepted as "men!". Things killed with the rocket launcher: a man thrown in the air after hit by a car, an inflatable doll and a snake that is 2 meters from the rocket launcher. But what's really great about this film is that the bad guy takes a ridiculous amount of physical abuse. I couldn't stop laughing. Oh, this is so bad it's funny as hell. Oh, and there are boobs in this...

I honestly do not know where to begin. I must, without any reservation whatsoever, proclaim this to be the worst feature film ever made. While this comment seems extreme, believe me ---- I kid you not.

First off, the acting is the worst I have ever seen in my life, and I have watched thousands of movies.

Secondly, the action is ridiculously executed. The stunts are childish beyond belief.

Finally, this movie should be the definitive example of how NOT to make a movie.

I am astonished at this film. Nothing ever created on film could possibly be worse than this insane trash. This film is the definition of the word "garbage".

This is an Andy Sedaris movie meaning it's a "Three B" movie. That's "Bullets, Bombs and Babes" or babes can be replaced with "Boobs" because there's a lot of those in this.

The plot is unremarkable. DEA agents, played by a couple of blonde bimbos who can't act, stumble upon a diamond smuggling operation in Hawaii. They call on their two male friends, who can't act, to help them. Did I mention there's a giant snake in the movie? Not just any snake but one contaminated by, "toxins from cancer infested rats" whatever that means. In the movie it means a snake that is super deadly to anybody that comes into contact with it.

The movie is a mess from start to finish. Everybody either oversells or undersells their lines. One of the good guys gets shot and acts like it's super painful but is still able to drive without issue. Every woman has a topless scene so we know why they were hired. And the director has a cameo... playing a sleazy movie producer.

This is not a movie to be taken seriously. It's one where you watch to see the ridiculous situations including a man being blown up by a rocket launcher and women with some incredible bodies.

Sidaris flicks follow simple pattern, routine and when all else fails - let's be real - the naked ladies help. Though it has to be said earlier titles have a certain level of charm - 'Hard Ticket To Hawaii' included - that is missing from later entries. Call it a legitimate attempt to be decent 80's b-movies or cheese, but the feel & flavor is different. Otherwise it's still silly deaths for the bad guys, a simple one note plot and a huge snake.

Donna (Dona Speir) & Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) work for "The Agency" (Molokai Cargo) in Hawaii transporting shipments by plane including a huge snake going to a zoo. In the midst of their job they accidently intercept diamonds belonging to big time drug dealer Romero (Rodrigo Obregon). After multiple attempts on their lives and those of their friends, fellow agents Rowdy Abilene (Ron Moss) - also Donna's bf - and Jade (Harold Diamond) join in to take down the baddies permanently.

Boobs within the first 90 secs, fondness for aircraft and intro credits that couldn't be more 80's if it tried. A rocket launcher gets used to kill a thug on a skateboard holding a blow up doll (yes really). Another baddie gets it to the neck with a razor blade encrusted frisbee. Director Andy Sidaris himself has a role. 'Hard Ticket To Hawaii' isn't my fav in the "Bullets, Bombs, and Babes" series, but it has zany moments (that snake, lol) in addition to the parade of boobs.

Director Andy Sidaris made a career out of producing, writing, and directing a series of crass action films he named "Triple B" for Bullets, Bombs, and Babes or Bullets or Bombs or Boobs, which ran for 10 films from 1985 to 1998. They featured a rotating stock company of actors mostly made up of Playboy Playmates and Penthouse Pets, so you can guess the quality of acting you get with each movie. However, the Triple B films and this third film in particular all have an endearing charm in their unashamed embracing of their crassness and exploitative nature. Not for all tastes, but I found the film entertaining in a campy Ed Wood sort of way. Also, the Hawaii locations are pretty nice. Oh, and I forgot, the story here is about an undercover DEA agent and her blond friend busting up a drug trafficking cartel. FUN FACT! The yacht of the villain, Mr. Chang, in real life belonged to Glen A. Larson, creator of "Battlestar Gallactica" and "Knight Rider". Also, Paste magazine named "Hard Ticket to Hawaii" the "best B-Movie of all time." Not sure I'd go that far, but it's pretty fun.

If you're expecting 80's cheez along the lines of Samurai Cop and Miami Connection then you'll be sorely disappointed. I just saw this at the Alamo Drafthouse and it was a snooze fest. A snooze fest with lots of fake boobs and about 3 funny scenes...but still a snooze fest. Sidaris was a talentless hack. I never want to see it again.

If you liked The Remains Of The Day, Terms Of Endearment, or Steel Magnolias... avoid this movie at all costs.

How do you begin to describe a movie with gratuitous nudity, bad acting, an implausible plot, 2-dimensional characters, and bad fight scenes? How do you describe the necessity for a mutant snake, an inflatable doll, skateboarding henchmen and razor-bladed frisbees in the same movie? Ofcourse, I COULD mention some of the greatest lines of our generation like,"Life is a bitch and then you die." Or maybe,"Just when you thought it was safe to take a pee." (I can't make that up.)

Why would I bother telling you that I searched for years to find this movie on DVD to watch over and over and over again? I dare not watch another movie in this series for fear of besmearching the good name of this gem. Please, please, please, if have the opportunity, watch it at least once.

This movie is like how Richard Gere describes the opera in Pretty Woman. Those that love it, will love it forever, and those that don't will learn to appreciate it, but it will never become a part of their soul.

Enjoi filmphiles

P.S. I take no blame for mental trauma suffered from watching this film.

Just like that other jolly perv Russ Meyer, writer/director Andy Sidaris is a man who probably wouldn't survive professionally in this modern day and age. The #MeToo movement and other anti-sexist protesters would probably blog him to pieces! For you see, Mr. Sidaris preferred to exclusively cast luscious women with D-cups for his 80s action flicks and wrote dialogues like "Let's step into the jacuzzi, because I do my best thinking there".

Oh well, Andy Sidaris is totally harmless. Take "Hard Ticket to Hawai", for instance. Who could take offense to this dumb and juvenile movie about stereotype villains smuggling diamonds in Molokai, dominatrix henchwomen, mutated Pythons, macho beefcakes firing off bazookas at skateboards (!), busty Jane Bonds in G-strings, transvestite spies, and razor blade frisbees? The whole thing is so darn clumsy and amateurish that it becomes adorable to watch.

One of the worst movies ever made, gets so ridiculous i didn´t stop laughing all the way through it. If you have a sense of humor, and some time to waste, check it out, it could be an experience you won´t forget.