Ladybugs (1992)

Rodney Dangerfield: Chester Lee

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dave Mullen : You have five seconds to get Kimberly out of there.

  [Chester hesitates] 

  Dave Mullen : There's nothing to think about. Get her out of there.

  Chester : Look, we're not in your office now. Out here, I call the shots.

  Dave Mullen : Looks like I misjudged you, Chester. I guess you don't care about your future with this company.

  Chester : Right now, all I care about is this team.

  Dave Mullen : Chester, you've forgotten what's important to you.

  Chester : I didn't forget. You forgot. What's more important? That strangers look up to you or your own kid? Kimberly's playing today! And if it means my job, too bad.

  Dave Mullen : Look, Chester, I just want to win today. I only want the best out there.

  Chester : The best, the best. That's all I keep hearing. You want to be the best. Let me ask you this, what good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?

• Chester : My name is Chester, I'm great, I'm wonderful! Everybody likes me!

  Redneck : Hey, Chester. My name's Harland, and to me you look like a giant asshole.

  Chester : Well, if I'm an asshole there's a reason for it. You're contagious!

• Chester : I dressed her son up like a girl, and invited him to play with me.

• Chester : I tell you, that Welfelt has power. You know, with the right training, she could be the best player we have!

  Julie : The best player we have? Well, what about Larimer over there, the little black girl? She's the best player we have! You know that black people are the best at sports, c'mon! We're the best runners, the fastest runners, the best at track. We're the best at baseball, the best at boxing, the best at basketball, football. Hey, you name it!

  Chester : Eeesh, black people are best at sports. Are you kidding? How about hockey? And waterpolo? Fencing! Best at sports... hey, badminton! Yachting! Best at sports... Oh, I forgot fox hunting! Best in sports...

• Chester : Women are a beautiful bed of flowers.

  [punk girl walks by] 

  Chester : Of course there's a weed here and there.

• Chester : I finally got some respect!

• Chester : You've got to change your behavior.

  Matthew : Oh and what'd I do?

  Chester : What'd you do? A girl doesn't give the opposing team the finger and tell their coach, "Up yours!" A girl doesn't refer to the referee a blind bastard. A girl doesn't slap another girl on the ass and say, "You're hot stuff!" And a girl doesn't say "I gotta take a leak so bad I can taste it!"

• Chester : Coach Bull huh? I know your full name!

• Chester : We have a chance. Like a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.

• Chester : What is this? A drag race!

• Chester : Well, you know how it is - boys want to be girls, girls want to be boys... Some of them are...

• Chester : I read a book once, "100 Ways to Make Love." I ended up in traction, it was a misprint!

• Chester : I'm off to a great stop.

• Chester : What a lady. When she walks in a room, mice jump on chairs. At Christmas they hang her and kiss the mistletoe. I tell ya if she went to a dog show, she'd win.

• Chester : I've never saw such beautiful landscaping. Looks like all the trees threw up.

• Chester : [Addressing the girls at the final game after they found out the truth about Martha/Matthew]  You don't need a boy to help you win! You're women! You don't need anyone! You're liberated! You got the vote! You can burn your bras! When you get them!

  [Girls giggle] 

• Chester : Get in the car quick! These heels are killing me!

• [opposing team scores first goal within 15 seconds of whistle] 

  Chester : Wow! The only thing quicker than that is when I'm having sex!

• [coaching the girls practicing] 

  Chester : Try and control the ball! Forget the ball, try and stay on your feet! Get out of the net, you're not a fish! Pester, you're in a different time zone! Oh beautiful, beautiful!

  [looks up at the sky] 

  Chester : Why me? Why me?

• [Chester is helping Matthew adjust his wig in a dressing room while a lady outside eavesdrops] 

  Chester : Just remember, we gotta be careful. I don't want your mother to find out, she'll kill me.

  Matthew : God, I can't believe I'm doing this!

  Chester : Don't worry, I'll be finished soon.

  Matthew : Ow! Take it easy, that hurts!

  Chester : Don't worry, if it's too tight you'll get used to it.

• Chester : Two-story house. Yeah before you buy it they give you one story, after you move in you get another story.

• Coach Bull : If you were in my army, I would have you on latrine duty!

  Chester : Hoo! Smells like I'm there now.

• Julie : You know anything about soccer?

  Chester : Not much, all I know is I got a lotta balls!

• Chester : Julie, look at what you're eating, I thought you were getting in shape. What happened to the weight lifting class?

  Julie : Oh I'm doing good. I mean this is heavy.

• Chester : He's playing like a psycho, he's nuts!

  Julie : Looks like Norman Bates is playing soccer.

  Chester : Hey, after the game no showers.

• Chester : [to the people that saw Matthew dressed like a girl punching a speed bag]  She's in training. Friday night, she's an underdog.

  Chester : [to Matthew]  You gotta work on your jab, your hook, and your slip is showing. Come on, will ya? You keep this up, your next fight will be with me.

• Bess : [answers the car phone]  Hello. Yeah, yeah, he's right here. Hold on. Chester, it's Martha.

  Chester : [drives off the road] 

  Bess : Chester!

  Chester : I'm sorry. I thought I saw a raccoon.

  [takes the phone] 

  Chester : Martha, why are you calling me?

  Matthew : Would you rather I call my mother, Chester?

  Chester : [laughingly]  No, no, no, no, no, no.

  Matthew : Listen, Chester, I'm in big trouble. I'm at the Mullen's house. Mrs. Mullen took all the girls to her house after practice. She insisted that I go with them.

  Chester : Well, just have your ice cream and cake and go home.

  [laughs nervously] 

  Matthew : Oh, listen, genius, if it was that simple, I wouldn't have called you.

  [whispers] 

  Matthew : Now all the girls are going skinny-dipping.

  Chester : [drives off the road again]  I tell you, Bess, those raccoons are all over the place.

• Coach Cannoli : Say, are you Coach Chester Lee?

  Chester : That's right.

  Coach Cannoli : I'm Coach Cannoli. There's a rumor that you, on your soccer team, dressed a boy as a girl.

  Dave Mullen : Cannoli, that is patently ridiculous.

  [turns to Chester] 

  Dave Mullen : I'm sorry, Chester.

  Chester : [to Cannoli]  I'm insulted. How can you stoop so low as to repeat a ridiculous rumor like that? How dare you.

• [Matthew walks in dressed as Martha] 

  Bess : Matthew?

  Matthew : Mom!

  Chester : Martha!

  Bess : Chester?

  Chester : Bess!

• Chester : Idiot. Moron. Jerkoff.

  Bartender : Hey buddy, what's your problem? I don't have to take your bullshit.

  Chester : Oh, I wasn't talkin' to you. I was talkin' to myself.

• Coach Annie : Well, I know what my girls can do. And I just want to tell you that your team is going to get crushed!

  Chester : I guess you're going to play, too, huh?

• Chester : Positively perfect pass play, Penny Pester.

• Julie : Chu! Chu! Chu! Chu! Chu!

  Chester : What are you celebrating or sneezing?

• Bartender : Look, buddy. You ought to get out there and start dating again.

  Chester : You go out there, what do you meet? You meet girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls.

  Bartender : Well, you know what they say, there's plenty of fish in the sea if you got the right bait.

  Chester : Yeah. The trouble is, my hook ain't what it used to be.

• Chester : [after getting thrown out of a bar]  Boy! What a happy hour. Well, at least I beat the check.

• Julie : [to the goalie]  Good hands!

  Matthew : Good save!

  Julie : Good girl!

  Chester : Goody, goody!

• Julie : Let me at him, Chester!

  Chester : [holding her back]  Take it easy, take it easy.

  Julie : No, I can take him, Chester! I can take him!

  Coach Bull : I'm warning you! I never hit a lady!

  Chester : And I'm warning *you*. She's no lady.

• Dave Mullen : I understand your boy Matthew's been seeing a lot of my daughter Kimberly.

  Chester : Oh, yes, Dave. More than you know.

• Chester : Hey, Annie! I wanna take you to the zoo! Yeah, they'll thank me for returnin' you!

• Bartender : What happened anyway?

  Chester Lee : I don't want to go into it,It's along story, I don't...

  Bartender : Hey c,mon. Get it off your chest. It'll make you feel better. Remember, there ain't nothing you can tell me that I ain't heard before.

  Bartender : So, c'mon, what happened?

  Chester Lee : Well, what happened was, I took her son and I dressed her up like a little girl and I talked him into playing with me.

  Bartender : Stay out you sicko. We don't want your kind in there!

  Chester Lee : Boy, what a Happy Hour. At least I beat the check!

• Chester : Matthew and and I are getting along great, never better. Last Christmas we didn't get along at all. I gave him a BB gun for a present and he gave me a sweater with a bulls eye on the back.

• Chester : Your son needs discipline! I've seen the way you punish him. You send him to his room. He has a radio in there, a color TV and Nintendo games. Boy, he really suffers!