Robbie Coltrane credited as playing...
Dr. Edward 'Fitz' Fitzgerald
- Fitz: So - you don't drink, you don't smoke, and you don't gamble. What do you do then? C'mon Michael, there must be something for you to confess! A little wank on the sofa during Baywatch isn't a mortal sin!
- [Fitz is arguing with his son in the express line]
- Old Woman: Er, eight items!
- Fitz: [Turns around] I've GOT eight items!
- Old Woman: No you haven't!
- Fitz: [sighs with exasperation] Three bottles of whiskey constitutes one item.
- Old Woman: Three items!
- Fitz: ONE item! Two loaves of bread constitutes one item. Two dozen eggs constitutes one item!
- Old Woman: Two, and two...
- Fitz: Six frozen lasagnas constitutes one item!
- Old Woman: SIX?
- Fitz: Four Cornish pasties constitutes one item!
- Old Woman: [to the cashier] Could you call the supervisor, please-?
- Fitz: And three steak-and-kidney BASTARD pies also constitutes ONE BLOODY ITEM!
- [the check stand's alarm starts ringing]
- Fitz: Oh, for God's sake...
- Priest: It must be hard to maintain that level of cynicism, Dr. Fitzgerald.
- Fitz: Not at all, Father. It must be hard to maintain that level of faith.
- [after Penhaligon pours a jug of water over him]
- Fitz: Anglo-Saxon Foreplay. Go up to my bedroom my dear. If I'm not up in half an hour, get along without me.
- [on two Skinheads' urinary habits]
- Fitz: You're the artistic kind - it goes everywhere. You're the Luke Skywalker type - straight like a lazer beam. I can't help but take a look - people usually find it disgusting ...
- Skinhead: You looking for a broken nose, pal?
- Fitz: Yeah, You know someone who can give me one, pal?
- Penhaligon: To be left at the airport, Fitz, that's one thing. But to be left by a big, fat, egocentric, middle-aged man, well, that's a different thing altogether.
- Fitz: I didn't mind the big.