- Jeff Blue: [answering phone] Y-ello.
- Muerte: This is Blue?
- Jeff Blue: Speaking...
- Muerte: Do you remember me?
- Jeff Blue: Well, you have a really sexy voice. But hey, I'm a happily married man.
- Muerte: Well, you'll be a dead man soon.
- Jeff Blue: [laughing] Who is this again?
- Muerte: This is Muerte.
- Jeff Blue: Morty!
- Muerte: No! No Morty! MUERTE! "DEATH"!
- Jeff Blue: Yeah right, death...
- Muerte: That's right. I'm gonna come for you man. I'm gonna come for you, and I'm gonna kill you, okay and...
- Jeff Blue: Hey hey hey Morty, Morty, Morty, it's late. What's the bottom line here?
- Muerte: The bottom line? The bottom line is you're gonna die man... Ugly, okay?
- Jeff Blue: Look Morty, do me a favor, okay? Don't call here any more unless you want to have, like, a serious conversation, alright?
- [hangs up on him]
- Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: There was an attempted mugging half a block from here tonight.
- Jeff Blue: Really?
- Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: The victim got away.
- Jeff Blue: Oh, good.
- Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: You don't know nothing about that?
- Jeff Blue: No, I don't think so.
- Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: You match the description of the intended victim: a man with a baby stroller.
- Det. Sgt. Halsey: And we got us a bag lady that says she saw the man enter this hotel.
- Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: And the desk clerk says that man was you.
- Jeff Blue: Well, that certainly narrows it down, doesn't it?
- Jeff Blue: See Mommy picking the big lock? Someday, when you're a big girl, she'll teach you how to pick locks. Of course, she may still be picking *this* one.
- Det. Sgt. Halsey: [watching as Jeff walks out to a parade of jazz musicians and borrows a trumpet to play] That's your husband.
- Jane Blue: I know.
- Det. Sgt. Halsey: Does he know how to play the trumpet?
- Jane Blue: Apparently.
- Jeff Blue: Oh, hi guys. Hey, you can go to a strip joint. We're just going to spend a quiet evening at home.
- Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: Oh, thanks. We appreciate that, *Mr.* Blue.
- Jane Blue: Oh, anything we can do to make your lives easier.
- Det. Sgt. Halsey: Isn't the baby a little young for dolls?
- Jeff Blue: Oh, it's for me. It's a post-feminist doll.
- Jane Blue: Yeah. Goes to work with little sneakers on, but resents it.
- Jeff Blue: See ya.
- Jane Blue: Night.
- Det. Sgt. Halsey: Bye.
- [to Ted]
- Det. Sgt. Halsey: You know, they're really very interesting people.
- Jeff Blue: Oh, hi, Morty.
- Muerte: Muerte. MUERTE! For death! You die today!
- Jeff Blue: Right.
- [Muerte begins to make some very elaborate moves while holding a knife]
- Jeff Blue: You know that looks really great on TV, but in real life you get better results if you just kind of hold it like this and...
- Muerte: Shut up! SHUT UP!
- Jeff Blue: Do you always have this much problem with a little constructive criticism?
- Jane Blue: [crawls in the bedroom window of the hotel, begins to take off the bag lady costume] You know, I don't believe men.
- [takes out fake teeth]
- Jane Blue: You know three guys tried to pick me up, tonight?
- Jeff Blue: Oh well, I can understand that.
- Jane Blue: You can?
- Jeff Blue: Yeah.
- Jane Blue: My mother was right about you.
- [she continues removing pieces of clothing]
- Jane Blue: So, did she wake up?
- Jeff Blue: Just once, around midnight, just wanted to be held. So, so, so, tell me, tell me; how'd it go? Did Morty go for it?
- Jane Blue: [lifts her shirt and lets the fake stomach fall away] Of course he went for it.
- [she removes her wig]
- Jane Blue: God, I am so tired...
- Jeff Blue: [he flips across the bed and grabs her before she can remove any more of her costume, while making a negative grunting sound, and then pulls her down onto the bed and climbs on top of her] Keep the makeup on!
- Jane Blue: Why?
- Jeff Blue: [grins] I don't know, it's kind of a... a turn on!
- Jane Blue: Yaaahhhh! You disgust me!
- [playfully hits Jeff and wrestles with him]
- Jeff Blue: Growing up on the mean streets...
- Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: What mean streets? You're from Nebraska.
- Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: Where are you from?
- Jane Blue: North Adams, Massachusetts. Why?
- Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: Just asking.
- Det. Sgt. Halsey: Phone call for you, sir.
- Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: Well, take a message.
- Det. Sgt. Halsey: It's about Blue.
- Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: Well, who is it? The President?
- Det. Sgt. Halsey: [laughing] No...
- [serious]
- Det. Sgt. Halsey: ...it's the Governor.
- Leamington: I want you to get up from the table very, very slowly.
- Jeff Blue: "Very, very?" Not just "very?"
- Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: My source at the FBI said they didn't think you were, and I quote, "Bureau material."
- Jeff Blue: That's true. I'm more of an end table.
- Jane Blue: I always thought of you as a dining room chair.
- Jeff Blue: Really? I see you as a rosewood armoire with really nice drawers.
- Jane Blue: [Jane has just disarmed Muerte and thrown him into a wall, knocking him senseless] I can't leave you alone for a minute.
- Jeff Blue: This wasn't my fault.
- Jane Blue: Nothing's ever your fault. You gonna kill him?
- Jeff Blue: Aren't we bloodthirsty today? I told you not to drink all that coffee.
- Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: What just happened here?
- Jeff Blue: I'd say it was a domestic disturbance.
- Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: A domestic disturbance?
- Jeff Blue: Yeah like on the Honeymooners. You remember how Ralph used to fight with Alice.
- Det. Sgt. Halsey: I don't recollect Ralph using semi-automatic weapons.
- Jane Blue: But Norton sometimes did. And Mrs. Manacotti on the third floor, wow what a temper.
- Jane Blue: We can tell you part of the story.
- Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: You can tell me all of the story.
- Jeff Blue: Part or nothing.
- Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: Well, how about we bust your ass for B and E.
- Jane Blue: Well, how about we talk to that nice governor of yours.
- Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: [beat] Okay, tell me part of the story.
- Jeff Blue: Well, it's hard to know where to begin. My father was a steam fitter, and...
- Lt. Theodore 'Ted' Sawyer: Come on man, the *relevant* part.
- Paulina Novacek: You're a very valuable commodity. Think what the Libyans would pay for your knowledge of American Intelligence. Or the Chinese. Or the Colombians. I think quite a lot of money, Mr. Blue.
- Jeff Blue: You see? Most people *do* like me.
- Jane Blue: [Jane, disguised as the bag lady sits next to Muerte at the bar] I know you!
- Muerte: Everybody know me! I am Muerte!
- Jane Blue: You're the guy that got stomped, by that guy and the baby! Heh Heh!
- Muerte: Hey! Don't provoke me! OK?
- Jane Blue: You wanna get back at him? I know someone who will pay big!
- Muerte: You don't know nada.
- Jane Blue: OK! I don't know *nada*. But this guy, said *Muerte*, he's the guy for the job!
- [starts to get up]
- Muerte: Wait!
- [grabs Jane by the arm forcing her to sit back down]
- Muerte: Who told you this?
- Jane Blue: You gotta buy me a drink first.
- Muerte: What would you like?
- Jeff Blue: You should have seen these guys, complete amateurs. Biggest risk was I'd fall down laughing and hurt myself.
- [several goons pull their guns on Jeff and Jane]
- Leamington: Don't make any sudden movements.
- Jeff Blue: Why not? Is there a bee on me?
- Paulina Novacek: Take his gag off.
- Muerte: My name is Morty!
- Jeff Blue: Muerte.
- Muerte: I kill you.
- Paulina Novacek: Enough! Somebody find out who this man is and then kill him!
- Jeff Blue: FBI! You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. If you give up that right you may talk, sing, dance, impersonate Elvis or anything else you like. You have the right to an attorney. If you're broke and can't afford one, tough shit! Now get in the car you suspected felon you!
- Mr. Ferderber: Wait, wait. What am I being charged with?
- Jeff Blue: That's for me to know and you to find out.
- Police Captain: The FBI fired Blue twice?
- Sawyer: Fired him in 81, rehired him in 84, fired him again in 85.
- Police Captain: Why?
- Sawyer: Well, Captain, there's all sorts of rumors.
- Det. Sgt. Halsey: Tell him what he did in between.
- Police Captain: I'm gonna hate this aren't I?
- Sawyer: CIA.
- Police Captain: Perfect!
- Sawyer: Until they got on the band wagon and fired him too.
- Jane Blue: [Muerte has been disarmed and Jeff has his arm in a hold when Jane approaches them, carrying shopping bags] Now what?
- Jeff Blue: Oh, hi, hon. You remember, I told you about Morty. Morty, this is Jane.
- [pushes Muerte towards Jane]
- Jane Blue: Oh, hi, Morty, look it's nice to meet you, but we've just got so much shopping to do...
- Muerte: [pulls another switchblade from his boot and points it at her] Shut up! Shut up! You die too!
- Jane Blue: Oh for God's sakes...
- Paulina Novacek: [to Jeff after capturing him and Sawyer] You are still having such a wonderful body.
- Jeff Blue: Thank you. What do you think of the Lieutenant here?
- Sawyer: Will you shut up?
- Jeff Blue: [while Muerte is in a tree in an alligator pit wearing only his shirt and socks] Tell you what, I'm gonna go for help.
- Muerte: No, please. Please, no, don't leave me! Don't leave me Blue. No, no please don't leave me!
- Jeff Blue: Don't worry. Can I get you anything, Morty? Some coffee?
- Muerte: No, I'm fine Blue, no coffee for me. Just hurry up, please! Bye! Thank you!
- Jeff Blue: Ta-ta.
- Muerte: Ta-ta!
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