Rick Moranis credited as playing...
Barney Coopersmith
- Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Are you trying to say capeesh?
- Barney: Yeah.
- Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Well don't do it, cause it hurts my ears when you do it
- [Barney tells a joke. Everyone laughs, except Hannah]
- Hannah Stubbs: I see that it's funny. I have a sense of humor.
- Barney: Of course you have a sense of humor. Everyone thinks they do, even people who don't.
- Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: When did your wife leave?
- Barney: October.
- Vince: That's when my wife left! What is it about the month of October?
- Barney: I dunno. The pressure of Halloween? You never know what to go as!
- Dr. Margaret Snow Coopersmith: I'm sorry Barney but it's just not fun here. You're no fun!
- Barney: No fun?
- Dr. Margaret Snow Coopersmith: You get the oil changed every second Tuesday, you get the car washed every fourth Thursday, you get your hair cut on the eleventh of every month. You never, ever get a different haircut!
- Barney: The Padres play the Mets every so often, though you folks would probably be Yankees fans. It's been my experience that most organized crime people are.
- Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: I love the Yankees, Linda loves the Yankees, so does Terry.
- Linda: Who's Terry?
- Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: You are.
- Barney: Would you care to bet on that?
- Hannah Stubbs: I never bet when I'm sure and right.
- Barney: Presumably you haven't done a lot of betting considering you've only been wrong once in your life.
- Hannah Stubbs: [glaring at Barney] Twice.
- Dr. Margaret Snow Coopersmith: Barney, look at the way you eat pancakes!
- Wally Bunting: How does he eat pancakes?
- Dr. Margaret Snow Coopersmith: He has a system for eating pancakes.
- Barney Coopersmith: So the bottom pancake gets the same amount of syrup as the first.
- Dr. Margaret Snow Coopersmith: He has a system for *everything*!
- [Vinnie palms off a $100 bill to Barney]
- Barney Coopersmith: You don't tip FBI men!
- Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Sure you do!