- Miss Purdah: [Chris is chained and Eldona is trying on outfits before him] Eldona, you know he's not supposed to see you this special day?
- Chris Thorne: Special day? What is it--Halloween?
- Fausto: You people are sick, wicked, funky, misanthropic, co-dependent animals! And I won't have my sister, who was once the Queen of the Mardi Gras, sitting at a table with a pickle-shooting train!
- J.P.: You might be interested to know that you are *not* under the jurisdiction of just any old fishing license dispenser and stamp pad jockey! We've always been set to deal with the offenders *once* and for all at their first appearance! Quick as sump grease through a ten-year old goose!
- [whistles]
- Chris Thorne: Congratulations, I'm glad to know thing are running smoothly for you.
- [lights a cigar]
- J.P.: [bellows] PUT OUT THAT DOG ROCKET!
- [passing by three half-buried dolphin statues]
- Chris Thorne: So that's where they buried Flipper.
- Fausto, Renalda: Flipper is dead?
- J.P.: I'm of the school that believes that the last 30 seconds of a person's life ought to have a little zip in them!
- Dennis: [the drug dealers are stopped for speeding] I'm afraid you'll have to blow.
- Dealer #1: Blow *you* to get out of a ticket? Come on!
- [chuckles]
- Dennis: That's not funny, I meant you'll have to use a Breathalyzer.
- Dealer #1's Girlfriend: I'll blow 'im!
- Dennis: Maybe later. Next century. Let's go.
- Chris Thorne: Alvin, I was just thinking you've got enough vintage steel around here to make a few thousand Toyotas. Ever think of selling the whole place to the Japanese?
- J.P.: There you go. Does the Pope wear a hat? Was Sergeant York's mother an angel? And will a banker grope for money?
- Chris Thorne: I'm not a banker, I'm a financial publisher.
- J.P.: Well, all I know is in '17 after they shipped me off to fight, some New York financier rolled in here one day and hog-glowsered and tub-wankled my grandfather into mining out the whole town in exchange for shares in something called the United Coke Company. Do you know what those stock certificates are worth today?
- [shouts]
- J.P.: JUST ABOUT THE FINEST OUTHOUSE WALLPAPER YOU'VE EVER SEEN! We were forced to become what you drove through today; a burnt out coal field and the biggest icebox graveyard this side of the Ohio foundry belt! And that's why I *never* let a banker go!
- Fausto: So your grandpa made a lousy deal, is that our problem?
- Diane Lightson: Judge, that's a very tragic, tragic story.
- J.P.: I believe it is.
- Renalda: You should do a book.
- Dealer #2's Girlfriend: [laughing as they see Judge Valkenheiser] Oh my God! Would you look at his face? Is that nose rubber?
- Dealer #1: Hey, I don't want you, I want Judge Wapner.
- Dealer #2: I have to plead to the Fifth Dimension.
- J.P.: [asking about Chris' job] Banker?
- Chris Thorne: No, not banker. Financial publisher. "Thorne Weekly"?
- J.P.: OK, banker.
- J.P.: [Chris tries to hit him in the thigh] I left that leg in France... and now, I'M GONNA STICK YOU! I'm gonna dig so many new holes in you, you're gonna look like a salt shaker!
- Bobo: [the three are playing cards] If I win, I get... another bowl of cereal!
- L'il Debbull: If I win, I get... Diane!
- Diane Lightson: [cutesy] No, L'il Debbull
- Diane Lightson: Let's just be quiet and let him do his little thing and we'll be on our way.
- J.P.: Oh, I will let you be on your way, and when you go...
- [bellows]
- J.P.: THE CAT'S EYES'LL SPIN! NOW, LISTEN!
- Chris Thorne: OK, we'll listen!
- J.P.: [calm again] Hey, hey, ha! Ho ha! Heh heh heh heh! Hoola, Hoola, Hoola! The Boola Boola Boola! Look who's got the front seats to the Mexican hat dance now! Just like a bunch of spiders in a birthday cake!
- J.P.: Welcome to supper! How 'bout a nice Hawaiian Punch?
- Chris Thorne: Thank you, Judge. You know, there's nothing better at the end of a long day on the road than a nice warm glass of Hawaiian Punch.
- J.P.: No choice now but house policy.
- J.P.: Fine, house policy! *What's* house policy?
- Chris Thorne: Well, whatever man she touches is the one she keeps!
- Chris Thorne: Aw, no!
- [Eldona carries him off happily]
- Chris Thorne: Oh, come on, all I did run a goddamn stoplight! I just want to get to Atlantic City!
- Digital Underground member: [referring to Miss Purdah] Man, she is one ugly, cross-burnin', redneck, peckerwood, police bitch, man.
- [Eldona is about to throw Diane into an oil well after being chased by Bobo and L'il Debbull]
- L'il Debbull: Eldona's got her, that's good.
- Bobo: That's not good!
- L'il Debbull: No, that's not good!
- Chris Thorne: [after Chris insults the Reeve and falling in a chamber of squeaky toys, Diane punches him; shocked] What was that for?
- Diane Lightson: [furious] How could you be so insensitive?
- Chris Thorne: What do you mean? What are you talking about?
- Renalda: Fausto, you better do something about this!
- Fausto: Niña, you're pulling on my coat, now cool it!
- Diane Lightson: I had us out of here! Then you had to go and open your big mouth!
- [pulls toy out of her shirt]
- Chris Thorne: *You* had us out of here? We would've been here another two hours listening to the history of the Valkenburger farm or wherever the hell we are!
- Diane Lightson: I knew that I couldn't depend on you!
- Chris Thorne: Listen, I don't need this! I was just trying to get us to Atlantic City... for YOU!
- Diane Lightson: [sarcastic] Oh, is that right?
- Chris Thorne: Yeah!
- Fausto: [to Chris] You're no longer our financial advisor! You're fired!
- Diane Lightson, Chris Thorne: [to Fausto] SHUT UP!
- J.P.: [at the dinner table, a meat grinder makes a whining noise like a dog] How do you like your dog?
- Diane Lightson: They're serving dog?
- J.P.: Oh, no, no, no, *hot* dogs, *hot* dogs. Dutch country, prized Hereford winners.
- Diane Lightson: [relieved] Oh! Hot dogs!
- Diane Lightson: [to Chris] I didn't mean what I said when I told you to save yourself. Get your ass back down here and SAVE ME!
- Diane Lightson: How long have you been divorced?
- Chris Thorne: Four years.
- Diane Lightson: Do you still love her?
- Chris Thorne: Nah, been over her for... weeks.
- Chris Thorne: All this is about some hustler who dumped on you, right? Isn't it? Well, what about Suntz? Really? I mean, what were you planning on doing when you got down to Atlantic City and confronted him? Slap his face in front of a roomful of investors? That's a helluva way to break up with a guy if that's what you were doing.
- [Diane sighs]
- Chris Thorne: So you picked the wrong guy. Happens to the best of us. I've been through this. You know, when it come to love, there's no accounting for taste.
- [jokes at Diane]
- Chris Thorne: Hell, I used to be married to Imelda Marcos.
- [Diane chuckles]
- Chris Thorne: You don't have to put yourself through this. A guy like that's gonna bury himself anyway. He doesn't deserve you. You're too good for him.
- Diane Lightson: I'm just such a jerk. I mean, why do I always pick the wrong guy? I mean, I'm... I'm so trusting...
- [kisses Chris]
- Diane Lightson: and so gullible.
- [kisses Chris again and continues it]
- Diane Lightson: I mean, I don't know why I'm such a pushover. I mean I'm such a sucker. Mmm. Mmm. I just... love a pretty face. Oh! Oh, it's so... Oh, it's so embarrassing.
- [Shocked]
- Diane Lightson: Oh! Ooh! I better lie down.
- [sprints towards the bed]
- Diane Lightson: Oh, you're nothing but trouble. Ooh! Oh!
- Chris Thorne: Come on, death for running a stop sign?
- J.P.: *And* for being a banker! That's the double death.
- Mike the Doorman: Evening, Mr. Thorne.
- Chris Thorne: [getting out of the car] 110 blocks in less than 15 minutes, not bad for a one-eyed Russian immigrant.
- Chris Thorne: You may kiss the bride.
- Chris Thorne: Oh, not in front of all these people, your honor.
- J.P.: [yelling] NOW!
- Dennis: [about the criminals] Would you watch things around here for a minute? I'm gonna go for a smoke.
- Miss Purdah: Go for a smoke? But, Dennis, they've got guns, drugs! One of 'em tried to kill ya! I'm stayin' to watch!
- Diane Lightson: [about the judge] Does he treat all traffic violators this graciously?
- Dennis: Only ones he takes a special interest in, like bankers.
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