- Luke Davenport: The kitchen's closed.
- Sam Simms: I'm Agent Double-Oh Simms. I can get into any kitchen.
- Luke Davenport: Online I'm a normal kid, just like everybody else.
- Sam Simms: [Quietly] You ought to try that here.
- Luke Davenport: What?
- Sam Simms: I said, "Go to bed". And be careful out there in cyber space. Be careful what you tell people.
- Luke Davenport: Okay! And stop telling me what to do. You're not my father.
- Sam Simms: [Quietly] Lucky for me.
- Luke Davenport: What?
- Sam Simms: Nice PJs. They got feet on them, don't they?
- Agent Dash: You guys suck.
- Sam Simms: We suck, ya hear that Luke? We suck, alright, we suck! Let's make a sucky left turn here.
- Luke Davenport: What are you doing?
- Sam Simms: I'm doing my job, keepin' you alive, I'm testing your food.
- Luke Davenport: But why do you always test my cookies?
- Sam Simms: [Dressed as a giant Coca Cola cup and pizza] I have a head ache THIS big. I have been punched in the stomach and kicked in the meatballs and we are going home!
- Sam Simms: Don't just stand there. Say "Hello".
- Luke Davenport: HELLO!
- Sam Simms: Yeah, just make the girl go deaf. They love that.
- Luke Davenport: I only get to see my parents on the news.
- Sam Simms: No, that's your "boo-tay" you've been seeing on the news.
- Luke Davenport: It sure would be a shame if I told my dad about you taking me boxing.
- Sam Simms: It would be a shame if I threw you out that window too.
- Linda Davenport: You're in high school now, and I expect you to act like it.
- Luke Davenport: Then don't dress me in these dorky clothes.
- Linda Davenport: You're not dressed in dorky clothes, you're in nice clothes. You look very handsome. You should consider yourself lucky.
- Luke Davenport: I should consider myself dorky.
- Sam Simms: I ain't skated since I was a kid, and *back then* I had a pizza face. Now I got a great big pizza face!
- Waitress: Sir, here's that explosive coffee. Two sugars.
- Luke Davenport: But we go boxing. I could go as Reggie!
- Sam Simms: You could go as Michael Jordan, but you ain't going.
- Sam Simms: You know what's gonna happen if I let you go? Morton is gonna call me in. Then he's going to chew my butt off. I'll be sitting there and my butt's gonna get smaller and smaller and by the time I get up, my back is going to be on my thighs. Because I won't have no butt. You wouldn't want that to happen to me, would you? Of course you wouldn't.
- Sam Simms: Look. The kid's going to hang out, have a little fun, then we'll go on back. Now what could be wrong with that?
- Agent Dash: There's about 37 things wrong with that! Unauthorized removal of...
- Sam Simms: No! You will not list them all! I will smack you if you list them all!
- Rob: [Walks up to Luke eating lunch by himself] Hey, want to come eat with us?
- Luke Davenport: No, thanks.
- Rob: Why not? You think you're better than everyone?
- Luke Davenport: Not everyone.
- Rob: [Holds his breath in shock] Did you hear what he just said to me?
- Sam Simms: Alright, Mr. Luke, let's see how you do on your own.
- Rob: I don't think you're better than anyone.
- Luke Davenport: Whatever.
- [Leaves the table]
- Rob: Hey, we just want to know how it feels being the biggest butt in the world, 'cause we saw it all over the news the other night.
- Luke Davenport: Yeah, I'm sure it just looked like your face.
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