- [to their parents]
- Matt Finley: Just one thing, we don't take sociology.
- T.J. Krupp: You guys should pay more attention.
- Donald Krupp: You're son is truly certifiable!
- Ned Beindorf: My son is certifiable?
- Donald Krupp: Yeah, your son.
- Ned Beindorf: How about when the yearbook come's out your kid"s picture is gonna be there "Most likely to be a serial killer" That's your boy!
- Gregory Alan 'Grover' Beindorf: Remember when you said I should lock my parents in the closet?
- Matt Finley: Yeah...
- Gregory Alan 'Grover' Beindorf: Well, I did! Only I didn't lock them in the closet, I locked them in the basement. Only, I didn't actually lock them in, I nailed the door shut. And I told them I wasn't letting them out until they worked out their problems.
- Matt Finley: You're kidding right?
- Gregory Alan 'Grover' Beindorf: No Matt, I swear, I swear... it was like, I had to do it.
- Matt Finley: Dude, you kidnapped your parents? Jeez!
- T.J. Krupp: My dad treats my mom like dirt.
- Matt Finley: And my dad's coming up on his second year with Louise.
- Gregory Alan 'Grover' Beindorf: So?
- Matt Finley: So he always divorces in his second year, you know that, it's like clockwork.
- Janet Beindorf: [hears pounding up above] What's he doing now?
- Ned Beindorf: I don't know. Grover, what're you doing?
- Grover: I'm nailing the door shut.
- Ned Beindorf: He's nailing the door shut. If you...
- Janet Beindorf, Ned Beindorf: WHAT?
- Grover: You guys are going to stay down there a while.
- Janet Beindorf: [runs up to the basement door] He's really doing it, he's nailing it shut!
- Ned Beindorf: Grover, stop it right now! What you're doing is very bad for the wood!
- Grover: We'll pay for the wood!
- Ned Beindorf: They got my tools!
- Janet Beindorf: And the phone's gone too!
- [Ned pulls back the curtains]
- Janet Beindorf: Oh my God!
- Ned Beindorf: Boarded up the windows?
- Grover: We boarded up the frames and filled the bases with cement. I used the cement that's been sitting in the garage for the past three years.
- Gwenna Krupp: A lot of people don't dress their age. Phil Donohue did a whole special on...
- Donald Krupp: Gwern, nobody wants to hear about Phil Donohue.
- Cindy Figler: Excuse me, why are you always interrupting her all the time?
- Donald Krupp: Well I don't think I interrupt her all...
- Cindy Figler: How would you like it if somebody interrupted you every time you tried to talk?
- Donald Krupp: Well like I said, I don't think I interrupt her all...
- Cindy Figler: I don't think you respect her very much.
- Donald Krupp: Respect? That's my wife, of course I respect her.
- Gwenna Krupp: Actually Don, you're not very nice to me.
- Donald Krupp: Gwen, I am talking!
- [to Cindy]
- Donald Krupp: You're one to talk about respect. You think your daughter respects you? You dress like you're 12...
- [Gwen shoves a piece of cake in his face]
- Gregory Alan 'Grover' Beindorf: Your parents are here because you guys said they needed help. Now you could care less, you're too busy playing football or watching TV or having some party. I have news for you, this was my idea, and it's not a game, and it's not a party, and I'm not doing it to impress anybody. Now you got that, Matt? Or are you too busy kissing up to T.J.?
- T.J. Krupp: [grabs Grover] What's wrong with that?
- Gregory Alan 'Grover' Beindorf: Go ahead... beat me up.
- Victor 'Vic' Finley: [Louise is crying] Just hang in there, honey, when we get out of here I'll buy you a whole truck load of cigarettes.
- Louise Finley: It's not that, it's just, it must be nice to have kids who love you so much.
- Victor 'Vic' Finley: What're you talking about? My kids love you.
- Louise Finley: You see? It's your kids. They don't think of me as their mother, they don't even want me as their mother.
- Victor 'Vic' Finley: Well of course they do! Why do you think they locked you in here?
- Ned Beindorf: Why did you have to argue?
- Janet Beindorf: Why did you have to say I was critical?
- Ned Beindorf: Because you are, Grover are you drugs?
- Grover: [laughs] Yeah, I'm on heroin and Stacey's on crack.
- Ned Beindorf: [to Janet, smugly] Happy now?
- Janet Beindorf: Oh he's kidding,
- [serious tone, banging on door]
- Janet Beindorf: you better be joking do you hear me? Gregory Alan Beindorf! Do you hear me? What is wrong with you?
- Grover: You guy's are splitting up! That's what's wrong with me! Now get down there and start solving your problems.
- T.J. Krupp: [bringing their parents to Grover's to lock them in the basement] It took us over 6 hours to get them here, we ain't taking them back.
- Stacy Beindorf: Good morning, Chief Rocco!
- Chief Rocco: Aren't your parents going to work today?
- Grover: Uh, no, they got the bug that's been going around.
- Chief Rocco: I didn't know there was one.
- Stacy Beindorf: Yeah it's really bad... especially for old people.
- Jimmy Finley: You can't tell us what to do!
- Teddy Finley: Yeah, you're not our real mom!
- [they set off a rocket with a tomato stuck to it and it gets on Louise, who then wipes it off]
- Louise Finley: That's how I know there's a God.
- Victor 'Vic' Finley: Louise!
- Louise Finley: I'm coming!
- [to Matt]
- Louise Finley: Will you just get the bomb squad dressed?
- Janet Beindorf: It's been 14 years and you haven't even finished the bathroom.
- Ned Beindorf: I've been working for 14 years!
- Janet Beindorf: And what's my job? Is it a hobby?
- Matt Finley: [hooking up his Christmas lights as a silent doorbell, lights flicker] Hey guys, don't ring the doorbell until I tell you!
- Jimmy Finley, Teddy Finley: We didn't!
- [Matt goes to the door and sees Chief Rocco]
- Chief Rocco: Are the Beindorfs home?
- Matt Finley: No, they're... at the doctor's office, I'm babysitting.
- Chief Rocco: Oh, well I brought them some chicken soup.
- [holds up Tupperware dish of disgusting looking soup]
- Matt Finley: Oh, great!
- [takes it]
- Matt Finley: Thanks!
- [slams door in Rocco's face]
- T.J. Krupp: [setting a trip wire trap for Chief Rocco] Hey, that old fart still thinks he's the chief of police, he's dangerous, alright?
- Gregory Alan 'Grover' Beindorf: But I still don't see why we need this.
- Brooke Figler: Mom.
- Cindy Figler: Brooke, don't call me 'Mom', I have a name, what is it? What is it?
- Brooke Figler: [rolls her eyes] Cindy.
- Cindy Figler: Thank you.
- Ned Beindorf: You just don't like it because it isn't your plan.
- Janet Beindorf: You are so childish!
- Ned Beindorf: No I'm not, no I'm not!
- Janet Beindorf: Yes you are, yes you are why are you acting this way?
- Ned Beindorf: [sarcastically] why am I acting this way why? I haven't a clue let's take a stab at it shall we? Oh yeah I got it!
- [serious tone]
- Ned Beindorf: We've been held hostage since Thursday, our kids are starting to act like Freud, I've probably lost my job, spent a fistfight with the town's biggest asswipe and going through the entire day listening to your stupid plan.
- Janet Beindorf: [sarcastically] Oh turning the electricity off is brilliant, oh it's a brilliant plan. Oh yeah I forgot you graduated from Mensa didn't you
- [crosses fingers]
- Janet Beindorf: you and Nostradamus where like this, it's a stupid plan Ned, a stupid plan.
- T.J. Krupp: [installing the security door] Folks, you're looking at the Enforcer 2000, it's the best security door that money can buy. Now uh, there's no need to thank me, it's my gift to you, and since you're my favorite new customer's, here's a little bonus gift.
- [show's off jumper cable's]
- T.J. Krupp: A shiny new pair of jumper cable's which just so happen to be connected to two, count em, two 12 bolt car batteries in my backpack, now that's why you're gonna hand over the knife, Mr. Beindorf.
- Ned Beindorf: [confused] What are you talking about?
- T.J. Krupp: Lets just say that this tomato here is you, gentleman please
- [destroys tomato and it splatters them]
- Janet Beindorf: Well... he wouldn't use that on us.
- Ned Beindorf: No he wouldn't.
- Janet Beindorf: So let's go.
- T.J. Krupp: Give it to me Mr. Beindorf!
- Ned Beindorf: [nervous] Of course.
- T.J. Krupp: Now give me whatever Mrs. Beindorf was digging with.
- Janet Beindorf: That was mine, he was using this piece of chair.
- T.J. Krupp: Give it to me and give me the rest of the chair too!
- Ned Beindorf: Why not just tell him everything? Maybe 'Hey, here's my social security number', I'm surprised you're not up there helping them.
- Janet Beindorf: Well if you were, they'd never finish.
- T.J. Krupp: Good catch you later.
- Ned Beindorf: Who is this guy?
- T.J. Krupp: Remember this hurts us more than than it hurts you.
- Ned Beindorf: Brilliant, yea.
- [turns off electricity]
- Janet Beindorf: What are you doing?
- Ned Beindorf: Turning off the electricity, don't you understand they can't survive without electricity, no Nintendo, no MTV.
- Janet Beindorf: [turns electricity back on] I already thought of it it won't work.
- Ned Beindorf: [turns electricity back off] It will work, 2 hours without electricity they'll be screaming for their mommies.
- Janet Beindorf: [turn's electricity back on] 2 hour's without electricity and we are gonna be screaming while they burn the house down with matches.
- Janet Beindorf: [Janet sees Cosmo chewing a pillow on the couch] Grover? Grover? Grover?
- Grover: Yeah, mom?
- Janet Beindorf: Can I talk to you upstairs please? Grover, who's dog is that?
- Grover: Matt's
- Janet Beindorf: This has gotten out of hand. And it's very tense down here especially between your father and Mr. Krupp.
- Grover: So what. Tell them to start getting along. They're adults.
- Janet Beindorf: You know how your father gets. He's not gonna back down, especially when his pride is hurt. Honey, please, just let us out.
- Grover: I can't do that.
- Janet Beindorf: Well, at least give us some food. Something's gotta bend here. I know these people are your hostages, but they're also guests in our home, and we don't treat guests this way. So why don't you make a meatloaf. There's some turkey in the fridge. You can use Aunt Mary's recipe...
- Grover: Recipe... yeah, I know Mom. I've made meatloaf and lasagna, pot roast. You don't have to leave notes for me, or hide them in my lunch, or laminate lists for me. I'm not a kid anymore.
- Janet Beindorf: I know.
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