Michael Keaton credited as playing...
Doug Kinney
- Doug Kinney #3: You know how when you make a copy of a copy, it's not as sharp as... well... the original.
- Doug Kinney: [Doug #2 and Doug #3 have made another clone without Doug's knowledge. He counts them] One. Two. Three...
- [Points at the new clone]
- Doug Kinney: Four...
- Doug Kinney #4: Twelve!
- Doug Kinney #1: Hey, I'm gonna buy you a present for this.
- Doug Kinney #4: A chainsaw?
- Doug Kinney #1: Or a - a book
- Doug Kinney #1: No clone nookie.
- Doug Kinney #3: You're the man, Doug.
- Doug Kinney #2: Great idea.
- Doug Kinney #1: Original nookie only!
- [Doug's rule for his clones]
- Doug Kinney: Listen to me. This is the number one rule. Okay? This is unbreakable. You can't even try to bend this rule, all right? Nobody. *Nobody* has sex with my wife but me.
- Doug Kinney #4: [Doug #2 is laying in bed with the flu and Doug #3 has left him alone with Doug #4] Sorry Steve...
- [Doug #2 looks up and sees Doug #4 standing at the foot of his bed with a rubber boot over his head and moves a wood saw back and forth in the air in a sawing motion]
- Doug Kinney #4: That leg's gonna have to come off.
- Doug Kinney: [on Walt's yacht] When I was down there with my head in the head... My whole life actually flashed before my eyes. The funny part is... I wasn't in it. I've got to get back into my life.
- Walt: I have no idea what the hell you're talking about. But good luck to you.
- Doug Kinney: Hon, let's sail to Catalina.
- Laura Kinney: What?
- Doug Kinney: Come on, it'll be great. We'll sail right into the harbor at sunset. We'll bring some wine, we'll make love right on the boat. It'll be great.
- Laura Kinney: Doug, you don't sail.
- Doug Kinney: But I drink and make love. The sailing thing, you know, I can figure that out. How hard can it be?
- Doug Kinney #3: [in the kitchen, #3 takes over from Laura, obsessing over how to wrap up leftover meatloaf] Honey, may I do that? Do you mind?
- Laura Kinney: This?
- Doug Kinney #3: Yeah. I just wanna show you something. See. First of all, this piece of aluminum foil is too small. See? It can't cover it all. What's gonna happen? Air's going to get in there and then you get that little hard crust around the meat. It gets real brown and dark and nobody wants to eat that. So, I'm gonna fold this up and I'm gonna save this. Because we can use it later. Or, Christmastime comes around, we might make ourselves a nice ornament outta that or something. That's what I like to do. And by the way, save those fries. 'Cause I'm thinking of stringing them, and we'll paint them up or something, we'll just string them around the tree. Christmas time. Kids are gonna love that. Okay, now. Here, look here. Okay, we'll take a new, fresh piece. Okay? Okay. Now I'm gonna fold it up on one side, like that. Make sure we're even. And then I fold once. I fold twice or three times - whatever you need to fold it. But I don't like to roll it. Sometimes people just roll it over, but I don't like that because then you get that lump right across the center, it rolls around in the fridge and everything. I like to fold it down so it's nice and flat, and no air gets in there. Because what? Air's our enemy, isn't it? And then - then take this. Tuck, tuck, fold. T.T.F. Tuck, tuck, fold. Two tucks and a fold. I just think of Elizabeth Taylor. Then I was remembering tuck here, fold there, you know, makes it simple. Okay, now roll it over, nice and flat. There we go. We got it. No air is gonna get in there. Okay. We could send this little guy off to NASA and nothing would happen. Look here. Okay, now put the lid on, burp. There you go and there you are.
- Laura Kinney: That's very nice. It's very nice.
- Doug Kinney #1: I don't believe this. I leave you guys alone for one day. One day! And you totally destroy my life.
- Doug Kinney #2: We didn't destroy your life, slick. You did.
- Doug Kinney #4: We're gonna eat a dolphin!
- Doug Kinney #2: Hey! Lenny. You're not gonna eat a dolphin pal, you're gonna pet one.
- Laura Kinney: I feel like I don't know you anymore. And it scares me, Doug. You know, you go along, day after day, and you tell yourself that your problems aren't serious. They're normal. You know, they - they happen to everyone. Or you hope that they'll just go away by themselves, but they don't. It's like this house. You always said you would fix it up. No matter what it was, "I'll fix it," you said. But nothing ever gets fixed. Doug. I need to know what you're feeling. I need to know if you still love me. Doug, please just - tell me what you want.
- Doug Kinney #4: I want pizza.
- Laura Kinney: What?
- Doug Kinney #4: I want pizza. Give me some pizza.