Arnold Schwarzenegger credited as playing...
Dr. Alex Hesse
- Dr. Diana Reddin: Do you have your own room?
- Dr. Alex Hesse: Yes. Why?
- Dr. Diana Reddin: Well, call me old-fashioned, but I'll be damned if I'm having a child with a man I've never even slept with.
- Dr. Alex Hesse: I've noticed that the side effects of pregnancy are greatly amplified... With the dosage of Expectane that l've required. The morning sickness, the mood swings. Sleepiness, sexual appetite.
- Larry: Sexual appetite?
- Dr. Alex Hesse: Yesterday, just scooping the middle out of a honeydew melon gave me a - A "Steifen".
- Larry: A what? Oh. That's normal. I get 'em all the time.
- [Dr. Hesse has to explain why he looks so 'masculine' at a pregnant women's retreat]
- Dr. Alex Hesse: When I was a sportswoman on the East German Olympic Track and Field team, they dispensed anabolic steroids as freely as here in America they dole out Gator-Ade.
- Larry: They pushed it on them, you know.
- Dr. Alex Hesse: Nothing was explained about the side affects which have become so obvious and painfully apparent,
- [tearfully]
- Dr. Alex Hesse: but I am *all woman*.
- Larry: Believe you me.
- Larry: Typical. I can't tell you how many times I've heard pregnant women complain: "I just wish a man could go through this." You finally do it, and what do you get? Attitude and insults.
- Dr. Alex Hesse: No kidding.
- Larry: Tell me about it.
- Dr. Diana Reddin: [at Jake and Junior's first birthday party, Diana is heavily pregnant] I might need to pee again.
- Angela: I don't miss that part.
- Dr. Alex Hesse: Me neither.
- Dr. Diana Reddin: You should have another one, Angela. Jake could use a little brother or a sister.
- Angela: I'd like to. But I don't think I could go through all of that again.
- Dr. Alex Hesse: It doesn't necessarily *have* to be you.
- [they all look at each other, then at Larry]
- Larry: Oh, no! NO! NO! NO!
- [Larry flees, they all pursue him]
- Dr. Alex Hesse: Larry, it's the most wonderful experience...... .
- [fade to end credits]
- Angela: I'm happy. I love being pregnant. It's just that I'm not 21 anymore. I'm single. It's a little bit scary.
- Dr. Alex Hesse: Tell me about it.
- Dr. Alex Hesse: If I carry this baby to term it will be a miracle. I would love, protect and nurture that miracle with everything I have in me.
- Larry: Stop it!
- Dr. Alex Hesse: No I don't *stop it!* I want my *BABY!*
- [they stop talking when they realize they are in the waiting room surrounded by pregnant women]
- Dr. Alex Hesse: Men what?
- Dr. Diana Reddin: They're pathetic when it comes to pain. You should try being a woman sometime. It's a nightmare. Your body goes peculiar with your period and doesn't stop until menopause. It's a lifetime of leaking and swelling and spotting and smears. Crippling cramps, raging hormones, yeasts! And that's if everything's normal.