- [Delivering Alfalfa's letter to Darla]
- Buckwheat: Dear Darla, I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You're scum between my toes! Love, Alfalfa.
- Uh Huh: Actually, I've always had a rather extensive vocabulary, not to mention a phenomenal grasp of grammar and a superlative command of syntax. I simply chose not to employ them.
- Mr. Welling: [Stymie and Spanky go into a bank trying to get a loan disguised as two Amish men] What is your account...
- [looks up and pauses]
- Mr. Welling: number?
- George "Spanky" McFarland: Uh, seven.
- Mr. Welling: [uncertain] Seven?... seven?
- Billy "Froggy" Laughlin: [is under Spanky to hold him up] Try eight.
- George "Spanky" McFarland: Eight?
- Mr. Welling: [still uncertain, the turns stern] Heard enough.
- Mr. Welling: [pulls their fake beards and lets them go hitting Stymie and Spanky in their faces]
- Mr. Welling: If you were *my* kids, I'd punish you.
- Stymie: If we were *your* kids, we'd punish ourselves!
- Mr. Welling: [desperate for them to leave] Leave the premises posthaste!
- George "Spanky" McFarland: You can't treat people like this, Mister!
- Mr. Welling: You're not people, you're kids.
- [as Spanky and Stymie leave, two actual Amish men are walking in]
- Stymie: [to the two Amish men] Good luck!
- George "Spanky" McFarland: Howdy, Mister. Me and my buddies have to build a new clubhouse.
- Stymie: We have buy some lumber.
- Lumberyard Clerk: What kind?
- Stymie: Wood!
- Alfalfa: I'm usually a lover, not a fighter, but in your case, I'm willing to make an exception!
- [punches Butch and he falls in the mud]
- Stymie: You're not thinkin' about Darla, are ya?
- Alfalfa: No, of course not.
- George "Spanky" McFarland: Good.
- Alfalfa: I wonder if she's not thinking of me, too?
- Stymie: I... Stymie... Member in good standing of the He-Man Woman Haters Club... Do solemnly swear to be a he-man and hate women and not play with them or talk to them unless I have to. And especially: never fall in love, and if I do may I die slowly and painfully and suffer for hours - or until I scream bloody murder.
- Alfalfa: Is Spanky home?
- Spanky's Dad: Sorry, Alfalfa. Spanky isn't here.
- Alfalfa's Dad: I'm sorry, Spanky, Alfalfa's not here.
- George "Spanky" McFarland: Darn.
- Alfalfa: Darn.
- The Rascals: [singing] We are he-man woman haters/ We feed girls to alligators/ Our clubhouse burned down mighty low/ But we've got a plan to make some dough!
- Buckwheat: Hey, Spanky, me and Porky have an idea.
- George "Spanky" McFarland: Keep it, you might need it when you grow up!
- Buckwheat: Oh-tay.
- [about Spanky and Alfalfa's friendship]
- Stymie: You're a team, like Bert and Ernie, Superman and Clark Kent, Milli and Vanilli.
- Alfalfa: Everything's working out perfectly. The guys are at the swimming hole, and I'm home with a tooth ache. Nothing could possibly go wrong.
- Buckwheat: [singing, as he and Porky are jogging to the race] We're goin' to the race, we're gonna win first place, and you have an ugly face!
- [Porky giggles happily]
- Buckwheat's Mom: [after Alfalfa and Spanky win the race by the matter of Alfalfa's pointed hair] Winner by a hair! *Yes*!
- Darla: This tastes like somebody poured it through an old boot!
- Billy "Froggy" Laughlin: Actually, it's a sneaker!
- George "Spanky" McFarland: The clubhouse is fried crispy.
- Billy "Froggy" Laughlin: Our lives are over.
- George "Spanky" McFarland: And it's all your fault!
- [Alfalfa stares off toward the now-burned club house]
- George "Spanky" McFarland: That's right. Sure is.
- A.J. Ferguson: Now the race course is marked off with arrows, and it ends right back here, where it started from.
- A.J. Ferguson: And now it gives me great pleasure to present this beautiful trophy and the prize money... to Alfalfa Switzer... and Spanky McFarland.
- George "Spanky" McFarland: [during the Go-Cart Derby] You snot wads stole our racer!
- Butch: Finders keepers, losers suck!
- Alfalfa: Ahhh - bite me!
- Race Announcer: Hey everybody, don't forget: following the Go-Cart Derby, there will be a tiny tot bunny race at 3:30. Entrants must be five years and under. See you there!
- A.J. Ferguson: [to Spanky] Ah, the strong, silent type, eh?
- Alfalfa: Don't take this personal, lady, but my pal's real disappointed.
- A.J. Ferguson: Ohh! What's the matter, sugar pie?
- George "Spanky" McFarland: Well, we were just kinda hopin' that... A.J. Ferguson was gonna give us the trophy.
- A.J. Ferguson: Well, boys, today's your lucky day.
- [takes off patch on her suit, revealing her name "A.J. Ferguson"]
- A.J. Ferguson: 'Cause that's exactly who I am!
- George "Spanky" McFarland: [shocked] You're the best driver there is!
- A.J. Ferguson: Well, thank you very much! You didn't do so bad yourself!
Contribute to this page
Suggest an edit or add missing content
