- Jack's Mother: Uh, what it is you do, Mr. Staggliano?
- Vinny Staggliano: College professor.
- Jack's Mother: Oh! Uh, what do you teach?
- Vinny Staggliano: College stuff. What are you, a fucking cop?
- Jack Withrowe: Hi. Can I get you a drink?
- Page Conners: Wow! I've never heard that one before. You really blow me away with your creativity.
- Jack Withrowe: Well, I...
- Page Conners: "Well, I, uh..." Your recovery's even better! Do you even care at all who I am? I mean, I could be the Antichrist or have the intelligence of a thermos, but unfortunately *those* are not the matters the male penis ponders. So please tell me, why did you walk all the way over here to ask to get me a drink?
- Jack Withrowe: Well, because - I'm the bartender.
- Page Conners: Oh. Martini, very dry.
- Max Conners: I'm sorry, Page. I'm a terrible mother. I'm a terrible everything.
- Page Conners: [comforting her] You're finally seeing things clearly.
- Dean Cumanno: Yeah, right. You let your own daughter seduce me? Do you have any idea how much therapy you people need?
- Max Conners: I'll protect her.
- Dean Cumanno: From what? From love?
- Max Conners: From pain.
- Dean Cumanno: Love *is* pain! Life is pain. You can't protect anybody from it, it's always gonna get you. But sometimes, life could also be good. But you got to be open. You got to takes chances. You got to let go!
- Jack Withrowe: Tell me to my face you don't love me.
- Page Conners: I don't love you.
- Jack Withrowe: Wow. More believable than I thought it would be.
- Jack Withrowe: [on the phone] Why won't you talk to me?
- Page Conners: [on the phone] Because there's nothing to say.
- [Jack appears from behind "Jane's" car]
- Jack Withrowe: Then why are you here?
- Page Conners: [on a deserted beach at night] You're not out here burying high school kids, are you?
- Jack Withrowe: Well, they egged my car.
- Dean Cumanno: No more conning! No more! If you're gonna be my wife, you're gonna live a respectable life, chopping cars!
- Woman: I'm sorry, sir, but smoking is not permitted.
- William B. Tensy: Oh, terribly sorry.
- [drops cigarette in her wine glass, then, as he walks away, mutters:]
- William B. Tensy: Nazi...
- Jack Withrowe: Look, I'm willing to explore the whole being dominated thing, okay? But let's just take it slow.
- Page Conners: [re their mark, old Mr. Tensy] I'd have to kiss that?
- Max Conners: Well, I'd have to kiss that way more than you.
- Page Conners: Maybe you're into necrophilia.
- Page Conners: [to Jack] Listen, mouth-breather, I'm fully capable and in the mood to beat the shit out of your psychotic, sulking ass!
- William B. Tensy: [greeting Page-as-Wendy at her interview] Sorry I'm late. I've been passing out more frequently lately.
- William B. Tensy: [regarding the cigarette lighter present] I'm not trying to get you to take up smoking, just thought it'd be a nice... incentive.
- Page Conners: There's no love. It's the trick of the brain. It's the combination of chemicals and hormones.
- Jack Withrowe: Then why are you here?
- Page Conners: What do you do? Spy on people humping in boats? That's so perverted.
- Jack Withrowe: I photograph stars.
- Page Conners: Look, just because they're famous doesn't mean they don't deserve their privacy too. Who ya got?
- Jack Withrowe: The stars up there.
- [points to sky]
- Page Conners: You sneak all the way out here to stare at space and shit?
- Jack Withrowe: No, I come out here to get away from the lights of the city so I can *see* the space and shit.
- Dean Cumanno: You gold-diggin' whore, you're already working someone else!
- [points a gun at Tensy]
- Dean Cumanno: Get off of her, asshole. Get off, asshole!
- Max Conners: Don't shoot him, Dean.
- Dean Cumanno: Why not?
- Max Conners: Because he's already dead.
- Dean Cumanno: Shut up, junior slut! Get over there! Ya know, you two got some brass balls in those panties, I'll give ya that. And in the few moments you have left, I wanna see some beggin' and some pleadin'.
- [points gun at Max and Page]
- Page Conners: Uh, Mom...
- Max Conners: Dean... you've got so many tells. You are not the killing type.
- Dean Cumanno: Don't screw with me. I'm on a fine edge, here. Don't!
- Max Conners: [takes gun from Dean and opens it] See... no bullets.
- Dean Cumanno: Fine. So I'm not that big on homicide!
- Max Conners: [re their mark, an old man] He doesn't look so bad in this light.
- Page Conners: Oh, yeah. His liver spots are positively glowing.
- Dean Cumanno: [on a fishing boat] Look at all the fish!
- [pulls his gun out and starts shooting at the water]
- Dean Cumanno: Huh, got it. This is gonna be a fun trip!
- Max Conners: [catching Dean with another woman before their marriage was consumated] You just lost the best thing you never had.
- Max Conners: Have you any idea what that meat is doing to your arteries?
- Page Conners: Haven't you heard? Cigarettes dissolve cholesterol.
- Max Conners: Forget it. He's taken. Mama's boy.
- Page Conners: We can get around her.
- Max Conners: Pass. Mothers are death.
- Page Conners: Can't argue that.
- Page Conners: [to Jack] Since you can't seem to read my subtle signals, I'll help you out. Piss! Off!
- Page Conners: Look, just give it to me, or would you rather have my heel up your ass?
- Jack Withrowe: Who told you I'm into that?
- Jack Withrowe: Isn't that the shoe you wanted to jam up my ass?
- Page Conners: No, that was the 6" heel.
- William B. Tensy: Smoking is part of the fun of being a kid. We just did some tests on some 9-year-olds. After a little puking, why, you couldn't drag 'em away from the stuff. Heh-heh-heh.
- [cough]
- William B. Tensy: You're only young once. Why not indulge, though, I always say.
- Jack Withrowe: You *are* good. You may not know it, but I *do*. You come on tough, but it's all just an act. I mean, you don't even believe in sleeping together before marriage. You're like a Brady or an Osmond or something.
- [last lines]
- Vinny Staggliano: I never realized I could feel this wa again. That I could be so totally in love with someone.
- Barbara: Oh, I feel the same way Stanley...
- Vinny Staggliano: You're beautiful.
- Barbara: Thank you.
- Max Conners: [watching with binoculars and a big grin]
- Max Conners: Here's the last of our cash: 1,150... 1,170... 1,190. That's $1300 each. Wow! Have a nice life with that, Princess.
- Page Conners: I'll economize.
- Max Conners: Sure. You can do your own hair, your own nails. They actually have some great shoes at Wal-Mart.
- Page Conners: UGH! Alright... one more con, but only if we do it right.
- Max Conners: What does that mean?
- Page Conners: It means no more small-time crap. It has to be big, one big final score to pay off the IRS and set me up on my own.
- Max Conners: What are you talking about?
- Page Conners: Palm Beach.
- Max Conners: Palm Beach? Forget it! People that rich are already suspicious, it's too hard to play!
- Page Conners: Palm beach or nothing.
- Page Conners: Why, for once, can't we pick someone who's just a little bit cute?
- Max Conners: Dean was kind of cute.
- Page Conners: You're in serious denial.
- Max Conners: Cute is dangerous. Cute leads to feeling, which leads to screwing, which leads to screwed.
- Page Conners: I know that we can make that Doctor and his Mom work for us.
- Max Conners: Page, we're going with Tensy and that's that.
- Page Conners: That is not that! Look, if you wanna go with Tensy, go with Tensy, okay? I'm working Davis.
- Max Conners: Page, I've told you before. No simultaneous cons, too many angles. They always go bad.
- Page Conners: Yeah, but it's not just that, is it?
- Max Conners: What?
- Page Conners: You don't think I can be the primary, do you?
- Max Conners: I didn't say that, although it does take an enormous amount of skill.
- Page Conners: I can make men do anything.
- Max Conners: Boys. You can make boys do anything: Gas station attendants, bartenders, the occasional migrant worker. A one-shot seduction is child's play compared to getting someone to marry you in three months.
- Page Conners: Four months.
- Max Conners: What?
- Page Conners: Well, it took you four months this time. You used to be able to do it in three.
- Max Conners: What are you saying? That I'm losing it? I'm getting too old?
- Page Conners: I didn't say that.
- Max Conners: I'm in terrific shape. Feel my butt.
- Page Conners: Ugh, I am not going to feel your butt again, Mother, okay? We all know it's wonderful.
- Max Conners: Tell you what. We'll play for it. Winner picks the mark.
- Page Conners: Great. I've got cards.
- Max Conners: Right. I'm gonna to trust your cards. See that guy over there at the bar? First one to get him to buy her a drink wins.
- Page Conners: Deal.
- Page Conners: [Walking over to the bar, sitting next to their target] Hi. It's hot.
- Man at the Bar: Yeah. Sure is.
- Max Conners: [comes over, sits down next to the other side of their target] Hi.
- Man at the Bar: [smiles at Max and turns back to page, holding a cigarette in her mouth] Let me get that for ya.
- [lights her cigarette]
- Max Conners: [Max drops her shoe] Oh, my. Would you?
- Man at the Bar: Sure.
- [eagerly places her shoe back on her foot]
- Max Conners: You're so kind. I'm Betty.
- Max Conners: Hi, my name is...
- Page Conners: [interrupts, grabbing onto his peanuts] Excuse me, may I... grab your nuts?
- [eats one of his peanuts]
- Page Conners: Mmm, salty.
- [Max begins coughing]
- Max Conners: Are you okay? Can I get you a drink?
- Man at the Bar: We go with Tensy.
- Page Conners: Stupid jerk!
- [gets up and walks away, leaving the man confused]
- Dean Cumanno: What the Hell's taking so long?
- Max Conners: [Pissed] Oh, relax! You'll get your money. You destroyed my daughter, but you'll get it.
- Dean Cumanno: Hey, I was standing around, minding my own business when you bitches came along and ripped out my heart for a game of hackeysack. Don't give me that.
- Max Conners: Come off it! We're both the same: We're scum!
- Dean Cumanno: We are not the same! I wasn't lying when I said, "I do".
- Max Conners: No, you were lying when you tried to nail Page!
- Dean Cumanno: Pfft. Look, where I come from, guys make mistakes, sometimes. Didn't change the fact that I loved you.
- [Brief pause]
- Dean Cumanno: I just know I wouldn't do it again.
- Max Conners: 'Cause you got caught.
- Dean Cumanno: No, because of what I lost. You know, I'm not the only guy in the world that's ever screwed up. Even a goodie goodie like Jack couldn't keep his wang in the hanger.
- Max Conners: [Softly] Yes, he can.
- Dean Cumanno: [Surprised] What did you say?
- Max Conners: Nothing.
- Dean Cumanno: No, no, wait a minute, wait a minute. What did you say?
- Max Conners: I micked him.
- [Dean becomes shocked]
- Max Conners: Strictotoxin...
- [flashback to Max spiking Jack's drink]
- Max Conners: ... somewhere between out and awake. It just makes people easier to handle.
- Dean Cumanno: Whoa, whoa, wait a-wait a minute, you're kidding! He said "no" and you still let her believe that he went for a soil sample? You know what? That's a new low, even for you!
- Max Conners: Look, you wanted your money! What was I supposed to do? Tell her that the man you forced us to con was the only decent guy she'd ever met?
- Dean Cumanno: What? You know what? This is just too sick! I thought this whole revenge thing was gonna be fun, but you've done whatever you can to ruin it! I don't even want this guy's money now!
- Max Conners: Well, I don't want it, either!
- Dean Cumanno: Well, I'm not taking it!
- Max Conners: Well, neither am I!
- Dean Cumanno: Well, neither am I!
- Max Conners: All right, I'll take it.
- Dean Cumanno: What?
- Max Conners: You said you didn't want it.
- Dean Cumanno: You should tell your daughter the truth!
- Max Conners: What for? He's only gonna end up hurting her, anyway. She's better off with me, okay? I'll protect her.
- Dean Cumanno: From what? From love?
- Max Conners: From pain.
- Dean Cumanno: Love is pain! Life is pain! You can't protect anybody from it! It's always gonna get ya, but sometimes, life could also be good! But you gotta be open, you gotta take chances, you gotta let go!
- Max Conners: What self-help guru moron taught you that?
- Dean Cumanno: Nobody had to teach me nothing, it's common sense. And Deepak Chopra is not a moron! I've seen a lot of crap in my life, but the way you're cheating her out of any chance for a decent future, it really sucks. Of all the lousy things you've done, you should be most ashamed of that. And what you did to me, too, I don't wanna completely leave that out.
- Page Conners: [Approaching them with the money] Here's your money.
- Dean Cumanno: I don't want the money. Good luck with Psycho Mom here.
- [Walks away]
- Page Conners: [to Max] Ugh! What was that?
- Max Conners: I took care of him.
- Page Conners: How?
- Max Conners: I don't want to talk about it. Let's just get this Goddamn place!
- Page Conners: For once, she's telling the truth!
- Dean Cumanno: Like I'm gonna believe the seed of Satan!
- Max Conners: [considering Tensy as their next mark] Hmm...
- Page Conners: Not "hmm"! I am not dating the walking dead!
- William B. Tensy: [slipping the arresting officer cash as he takes a housekeeper to jail] If it's at all possible, could you slap her around a little bit?
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