Trey Parker: Joe Cooper

BASEketball

Joe Cooper

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Your bed is over here.
[indicates a dog bed]
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Dude, that is so fuckin' weak! How am I supposed to get a chick in that?
Joseph R. Cooper: Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Yeah I could.
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No. Dude, you're a little bitch!
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys, anyway.
Joseph R. Cooper: 'Cause you're a piece of shit.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not a piece of shit!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah, but you're a little bitch.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Goddammit! I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times... I'm outta here!

Joseph R. Cooper: If you want unanimous consent, you're gonna have to get it from one of the other owners.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: We win, and they get the chicks. That sucks, dude.
Joseph R. Cooper: I'm telling you, it's jobs. We gotta get jobs. Then we get the khakis. Then we get the chicks.

[standing at the front door]
Coop: It's Coop and Remer.
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: We graduated with Britney.
Dr. Kaiser: You graduated?
Coop: Of course we graduated, cock - Beer?
[in the house]
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Man this place looks like a Dockers commercial.
Coop: Oh hey, Stef!
Stephanie: Coop! Remer!
Coop: You wanna beer?
Stephanie: Oh, my God, you guys haven't changed since High School!
Coop: Oh, cool.
Stephanie: No, it isn't.
Coop: Cock. Hey, Skidmark Steve, cool. You still hangin' out, playin' Nintendo?
Skidmark Steve: Well, if you must know, I'm in my second year of med school and I'm training for the Summer Games. What are you two up to?
Coop: Just hanging out. Playing Nintendo. Cock.

Joseph R. Cooper: Go back to your fancy cars, and your big bank accounts, and your celebrity friends, and your beautiful women, and Victoria Silvestedt, Playmate of the Year... FUCK!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not going out with his sister!
Joseph R. Cooper: Dude, that's the defense, ya gotta psych them out.
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah, ya gotta say totally fucked up shit to psych them out.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Oh... Hey wait a minute, why is me going out with his sister totally fucked up?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: He's flat-lining!
Joseph R. Cooper: Quick, where are those little heart paddles? The ones George Clooney uses!
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: No! Not those!
Joseph R. Cooper: Clear!
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Clear!
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [takes Joey's pulse]
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: No pulse!
Joseph R. Cooper: Turn up the power! 10,000 volts!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: 10,000 volts!
Joseph R. Cooper: Clear!
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Clear!
[Squeak grabs Joey's feet as he says this, gets electrocuted]
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, it's not working!
Joseph R. Cooper: Turn it up! 15,000 volts!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: 15,000 volts!
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [ears smoking] No...
[Sqeak is thrown back from the shock]
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, do you even know what you're doing?
Joseph R. Cooper: What does it look like?
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: An execution?
Joseph R. Cooper: Damn it man I'm trying to save an innocent life!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: I'm giving you all I've got captain!
Joseph R. Cooper: I love ya always have. Heh.
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Heh.
Joseph R. Cooper: CLEAR!

Joseph R. Cooper: Thanks a lot, Doctor Dickhead! You totally fucked me there!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, relax. It was a joke.
Joseph R. Cooper: Why don't you give it up! She doesn't even like you!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: You think she got the hots for you? Shit. Squeak has a better chance that you do.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Hey, you think?
Joseph R. Cooper: That is low. You son of a bitch.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Why is that low?
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, I know you're feeling jealous right now. Don't blame me because I have a sweet ass! I can't help it!

Joseph R. Cooper: [with Australian accent] Eeer seen those beer commercials? How to speak San Franciscan?
[He pulls Squeak's shorts down, revealing his bottom]
Joseph R. Cooper: Vajoyna!
[the referees penalize him]
Joseph R. Cooper: Oh come on, that wasn't a gay joke, it was an Australian joke!

Joseph R. Cooper: [Squeak is trying to shut off their gas] Shoot for it.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Shoot for it? What are you, insane? This is my job, you assholes!
Joseph R. Cooper: Look, it's a good deal. All you gotta do is make a single from right here, and you can shut off our gas and we'll never call you "Squeak" again.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Or bitch.
Joseph R. Cooper, Douglas "Swish" Reemer: [Coop and Reemer exchange looks] Or bitch.
[together]
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [Squeak lines up, ready to shoot] All right. Check this shit out.
Joseph R. Cooper: [psyche-out] Steve Perry.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Huh?
[shoots and misses, ball bounces off roof and hits dog]
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Tough break, Squeak.
Joseph R. Cooper: Yeah, now you gotta fetch the ball, bitch.
[agitated dog growls, and rocks gate vigorously]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Oh, I'll come, I love hospitals.
Joseph R. Cooper: No you don't, you like Taco Bell!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No, one time I was at this hospital, in france, and I met this great chick.
Joseph R. Cooper: Dude, that was a hostel.

Joseph R. Cooper: Hey, Grumsky, you losin' weight?
[in Cartman's voice]
Joseph R. Cooper: Hey, you guys, seriously, I'm fuckin' fat. Seriously, you guys, I'm fuckin' fat as fuck.

Jenna Reed: I've been the director of the Dream Come True foundations since October.
Joseph R. Cooper: The ones that grant wishes to sick a dying kids, right?
Jenna Reed: Oh, well we like to think of them as health challenged and survival impaired.

Joseph R. Cooper: If I had a nickel for every time that ball pulled me out of a tight spot, I'd have a shitload of nickels!