This Morning with Richard Not Judy (1998–1999)

Stewart Lee: Jesus, Pliny, Self, Various Roles

Quotes 

• Stewart Lee : I see you're at your shrine to The Corrs again, Rich.

  Richard Herring : [annoyed]  The Corrs Shrine, Stew! Call it by its proper name!

• Stewart Lee : Is your curiosity satisfied now, Curious Orange?

  The Curious Orange : Yes, Mr. Stew.

• Stewart Lee : Stop breastfeeding Prince William! You're a bad influence on Prince William, Richard!

• Stewart Lee : [Puritanical Prizes]  RoNAN Keating's underwear.

  Richard Herring : Pure and bright like the Light of Heaven...

• Stewart Lee : Saying it in staccato fashion doesn't make it any more true!

• Nostradamus : I Nostradamus shall be found stone cold dead, and then maybe Mr Herring will wish he'd been nicer to me for my final week on Earth.

  Stewart Lee : You'll be back next week to see how you did?

  Nostradamus : Yes.

• Stewart Lee : Aim 1: We are going to prove that Bill Clinton did not have sex with Monica Lewinsky, or Hilary Clinton, or anyone else, has no genitalia, and propagates by casting his spores to the wind like a dandelion.

• Richard Herring : Do you have a pronouncement, King of the Show?

  King of the Show : The Death Penalty should be brought back and used on anyone I command.

  Stewart Lee : An unpleasant man...

• Stewart Lee : Are you the man?

  Richard Herring : I'm one of the men.

• Stewart Lee : It's a well-known fact that cress sends Aliens into a frenzy.

• Stewart Lee : Go hence from this place!

• Stewart Lee : Egg!

  Richard Herring : Egg!

  Stewart Lee : Egg!

• Stewart Lee : Will giant otters with the faces of ants fly out of your every bodily orifice and Crop Spray the audience?

• Richard Herring : [Tray of Wonders]  And Dorrytoss, as my Dad calls them!

  Stewart Lee : Doritos! Your Dad is from Somerset where the most sophisticated snacks are the scabs from Old Widow Paley's head.

• Stewart Lee : Raj Persaud will prove that the Universe is a figment of his Godlike imagination and that if he stops concentrating for a moment all matter will be sucked up into his colon.

• Stewart Lee : Milk.

  Richard Herring : Milk?

  Stewart Lee : Milk.

• Stewart Lee : You get halfway through Brief History of Time and suddenly the pages are blank. Just pictures of Stephen Hawking spending lots of money...

• Stewart Lee : All these Countryside Protestors are in London now. They've been out in the Country lighting fires and trying to frighten Tony Blair.

  Richard Herring : If it works for animals it'll work for Tony Blair.

• Stewart Lee : If you're a Geeky Nerd, you can Email us...

• Stewart Lee : Rich, I see you're drinking an enormous glass of milk.

  Richard Herring : It's Blue Whale milk, Stew.

• Richard Herring : The women like it! If you look at their faces, it's almost as if they understand!

  Stewart Lee : You're sick.

• Stewart Lee : What Richard has said, let no man put asunder!

  Richard Herring : Don't put it asunder!

• Stewart Lee : At 12.45 Saddam Hussein will be dropping a vial of Anthrax on Central London, and you can watch us all die slow agonising deaths.

• Richard Herring : But isn't she a sort of Sexual Bait to lure in the viewer?

  Stewart Lee : You're like Denise Van Outen but without the Sexual Bait Element.

  Richard Herring : Which is?

  Stewart Lee : A kind of Vapour.

• Richard Herring : My name is Rio and I dance on the sand!

  Stewart Lee : Is your name Rio?

  Richard Herring : My name is Rio-chard Herring...

  Stewart Lee : No, listen to the words of the question, is your name Rio?

  Richard Herring : No.

  Stewart Lee : And where do you dance?

  Richard Herring : On my own in Balham in my pants.

• Richard Herring : [says something uncharacteristically intelligent] 

  Stewart Lee : I think we read each other's Autocue, there!

• Stewart Lee : You have an itch?

  Richard Herring : I was up in the Belfry last night.

  Stewart Lee : Fibreglass Lagging?

  Richard Herring : No I have Bat Gonnorhea.

  Stewart Lee : Ah, like Rat Syphilis! You are sick.

  Richard Herring : I'm not prejudiced! I like all kinds of Bat. Horseshoe Bats, Vampire Bats, Fruit Bats... Of course, they're all Fruit Bats when I've finished with them!

• Stewart Lee : MenoPAWS! Cats who can talk going through the Change of Life.

• Stewart Lee : Wasn't Nostradamus French?

  Nostradamus : No, he was Welsh! I mean I was Welsh! He was from Torquay!

• Stewart Lee : You have an itch?

  Richard Herring : Yes, I have Eel-nonspecific Urethritis! And Blue Whale herpes.

  Stewart Lee : Didn't you use protection?

  Richard Herring : I used the Eel as protection!

  Stewart Lee : Did it have a Kite Mark?

  Richard Herring : They've all got Kite Marks when I'm finished with them, Stew!

  Stewart Lee : That doesn't even make sense!

• Musician : [Golden Aura] 

  Stewart Lee : You've been eating Ready Brek again, haven't you?

• Stewart Lee : I've been pursuing my hobby of finding Street Vendors who misuse the possessive apostrophe, so I can yell "Carrot's 30p? Okay, show me the Carrot that is so sophisticated that it owns 30p! Or should I get Trading Standards on you for promising things that don't exist?"

• Richard Herring : How was I to know there were two Baroness Youngs? I'm not magic, am I, Stew? They've got totally different political views!

  Stewart Lee : There have to be, Rich, it's like the Forces of Good and Evil in Perfect Cosmic Balance

  Richard Herring : So they're like the Ying and Yang?

  Stewart Lee : It's Yin and Yang!

  Richard Herring : No, it's Ying and Yang! That's what my Father says, and he should know...

• Stewart Lee : Aim 2 is to steal Liam Gallagher and Patsy Kensit's child at birth and throw it naked into the sewer to be raised by rats, to give it a better chance of a Normal Life.

• Stewart Lee : Situation Comedy: There are some Women. They are slags.

• Stewart Lee : It says here that 3 million rats a year are used in experiments. And that is not enough rats! Rats are man's enemy!

  Richard Herring : No, they're our bewhiskered friends!

  Stewart Lee : They say you're never 3 feet away from a rat, don't they?

  Richard Herring : [has a rat on him]  You think we'd notice, wouldn't you? Help! He's trying to get in my mousehole, Stew!

• Richard Herring : It's all happened! It's all happened just like Nostradamus said!

  Stewart Lee : [being trampled by David Collins]  It's a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, it's a trick!

  Richard Herring : David Collins is a horse, he can't understand!

• Nostradamus : It was an anagram!

  Stewart Lee : No, you're wrong, Nostradamus!

• Richard Herring : If it weren't for me those mice wouldn't be alive!

  Stewart Lee : So you're allowed to eat some as a kind of Grateful Sacrificial Offering?

• Richard Herring : [Post Credits, X-Files Parody]  I made this!

  Stewart Lee : No, I made this!

• Richard Herring : I made this!

  Stewart Lee : You must be very proud...

• Musician : [covered in Pound Puppies] 

  Stewart Lee : Have you been washing in Gravy again? Never wash in Gravy! Bad Pianist!

  Richard Herring : I said "Pianist" Stew!

  Stewart Lee : So did I.

• Stewart Lee : Aim 4: Gail Porter must never be naked anywhere ever again, even in the bath, and must always be wearing a minimum of 10 cardigans.

• Stewart Lee : It's Yashmaks all the way down!

• Stewart Lee : Why should you be King of the Show?

  King of the Show : [Contestant 2]  Because I've got a Bicycle Horn.

• King of the Show : [Contestant 1]  Never underestimate the Power of the Dark Side!

  Stewart Lee : That's more How Darth Vader would sound... with a Glass, isn't it?

• Stewart Lee : It is time to introduce you to the third Member of our grotesque mockery of the Nuclear Family, the Curious Alien!

• Richard Herring : Your legs are a long way back today, aren't they, Nostradamus?

  Stewart Lee : It's almost as if they're not real!

• Richard Herring : You need to get this one right to win the Barbeque! "Nostradamus will once again fail to win the Barbeque" The News said... Yes, you were right! You failed to win the Barbeque! Which means two out of three Correct, you've won the Barbeque!

  Nostradamus : Yeah! Yeah!

  Richard Herring : Which means prediction 3 is wrong, so you fail to win the Barbeque!

  Nostradamus : No!

  Richard Herring : Which means you win the Barbeque!

  Nostradamus : Yes! Er, No!

  Richard Herring : Which means you don't win the Barbeque!

  Stewart Lee : Oh no, it's a Parallax! Like some rubbish old episode of Star Trek, before it was good!

  Scotty : It's the Prediction Box, Captain, she cannae handle it!

  Richard Herring : AHH!

  Nostradamus : AHH!

  Richard Herring : AHH!

  Nostradamus : AH, THEY DID IT, THE MAD BASTARDS ACTUALLY DID IT!

  [Prediction Box Explodes] 

• Stewart Lee : And then he paused, and said "Yeah, but you can prove anything with Facts can't you?" And he's right...

• Stewart Lee : That doesn't even make sense!

  Richard Herring : They still laughed, Stew! They still gave me the laughter I need to live. Feed me, feed me or I'll die!

• Stewart Lee : Aim 3 is to convince every customer of the Royal Bank of Scotland to change their Account Name to "I'm Gay and what do you think of that Pat Robertson?" and put it on the Chequebooks...

• Stewart Lee : We're on Tuesday this week, anyway!

  Richard Herring : We're the new Hale and Pace.

  Nostradamus : Yes, we are!

• Stewart Lee : Is your name Lola?

  [from Rod Stewart, not the Kinks] 

  Richard Herring : No, it's Richard Herring.

  Stewart Lee : And do you have feathers in your hair?

  Richard Herring : It depends if I've been entertaining the Owls or not, Stew.

• Stewart Lee : The Curious Orange is gone, Richard, for Alway!

• Stewart Lee : The other week I was beaten up by some Scottish Blokes for being Mark Lamarr.

  Richard Herring : Well, it's good that someone was, at least.

• Stewart Lee : It is time to choose the King of the Show from the Open Sewer that is the British Public!

• Stewart Lee : Don't answer that, we can't afford to pay you to speak.

• Stewart Lee : Your face is so small in relation to your head that now it has been painted gold it resembles a Roman Coin placed atop a circular rug made from human hair

  Richard Herring : Leave him, Stew, he's a child he doesn't understand!

• Stewart Lee : Let me demonstrate the "And that was just the teachers!" formula. At my school there was always this rough bunch hanging behind the bike sheds, jacking off to Page 3 and playing Soggy Biscuit, and that was just the teachers!

• Stewart Lee : Ferrero Rocher, a chocolate you would only consider luxurious if you had subsisted for your entire life on a diet of Leaf Litter and Owl Pellets.

• King of the Show : [Contestant 2]  I'm Adam.

  Stewart Lee : The First Man. It says here "because I grew up in Lincoln, where they use Saliva as currency".

  King of the Show : It's true.

• Stewart Lee : Any pronouncements?

  King of the Show : I would like to renounce all conceptions of beauty and have everyone remodelled in my own Satanic Image!

  Stewart Lee : He would like everyone remodelled in his own Satanic Image!

  Richard Herring : The King has Spoken!

• Stewart Lee : I was the Akela!

• Stewart Lee : I'm glad you think Mental Illness is a fit subject for Humour!

• Stewart Lee : You've embarrassed me, you've embarrassed the audience, you've embarrassed King Satan, but most of all you've embarrassed yourself!

• Stewart Lee : We forgive you Rich, but we can never forget what you have done here today.

• Stewart Lee : How can you tell if the animal has given its consent?

• Stewart Lee : Saying it in a Southern Baptist Preacher Voice doesn't make it true!

• Stewart Lee : You're Curious about that are you, Soren Kirkegaard? What about Shopping Trolleys with a wonky wheel or whether cats are different from dogs?

• Stewart Lee : [Corrs Shrine]  What's this glue doing here?

  Richard Herring : I make it out of flour and water.

  Stewart Lee : It's very salty.

  Richard Herring : I use salt as a binding agent.

• Stewart Lee : Richard got into trouble for sending the Corrs letters, answering the question "What can I do to make you love me?" in rather more detail than they wanted. You shouldn't have sent them the collage!

  Richard Herring : It was a good collage.

• Stewart Lee : CURSE YOU GRAN FOR MAKING ME WEAR THIS JUMPER THIS WAY!

• Stewart Lee : Wee Jimmy Cranky is actually a small old woman.

  Richard Herring : That explains the wrinkles and why she was allowed to Marry her Brother.

• Stewart Lee : No, my threshold for embarrassment is not as high as yours!

• Stewart Lee : Some kind of Citrous Dalek!

• Stewart Lee : Banal Cliches.

• Stewart Lee : It could be worse.

• Richard Herring : And the Patrick McGooghan style irony there is that Stew is talking to himself!

  Stewart Lee : No, it's my face!

  Richard Herring : In the future!

• Stewart Lee : It doesn't bear thinking about.

• Stewart Lee : Here comes your King, walking down the ceremonial stair as so many Kings have done before, some in sadness, some in happiness...

• Stewart Lee : Prepare to be Enlightened.

• Stewart Lee : Out of the mouths of babes, the King has Spoken!

• Stewart Lee : Chitinous?

  Richard Herring : Chitinous!

• Stewart Lee : At this point I was going to ask our King of the Show a question about Prince Jeffrey of Brunei, a Hotel Room and Forty Prostitutes, but I'm instead going to give him this Power Rangers Action Figure.

  King of the Show : I'll treasure it forever.

  Stewart Lee : He'll treasure it forever! The King has Spoken!

• Stewart Lee : You join us in Chaos.

• King of the Show : I hope I survive until the end of the show.

  Stewart Lee : There's always hope, isn't there?

• Stewart Lee : Aim three is to have Sir Elton John's Knighthood transferred to the Noble Columbian Cocaine Farmers who sustained his Creativity during the 1980s.

• Stewart Lee : Have I got Have I got News for You for You! I guess it would work. Make it so!

• Stewart Lee : Who pays the Piper? And are his National Insurance Contributions covered by the same mysterious employer?

  Richard Herring : That one didn't work, did it? Live TV, who cares?

• Stewart Lee : King Chris, in a Gesture of Solidarity, Eat the Naan of Peace! Eat it! Eat the Naan of Peace!

• Stewart Lee : [to The Curious Orange]  Since you've been on TV, you've really changed!

• King of the Show : [Secret to Longevity]  Get over that "Oh God, why have I got to get up in the Morning?" feeling and get on with it.

  Stewart Lee : A profound message for us all.

• Stewart Lee : You've really got the audience on your side, there, with your winning combination of xenophobia and misogyny!

• Stewart Lee : Tommy Lee has fallen for what I call "I could do better" syndrome. There he is going out with a World Class Model and Baywatch Actress, he thinks "I could do better"!

  Richard Herring : Yes, and Prince Charles in the 80s was going out with Princess Diana, the most beautiful woman in the World!

  Stewart Lee : So he thought "I could do better" and started going out with someone who looks like Iggy Pop's arse.

• Stewart Lee : The King is Crowned!

• Richard Herring : Tell me, how did you come up with this wondrous idea?

  King of the Show : I can't remember, it was in my sleep.

  Stewart Lee : Like Coleridge or another Poetic Visionary? I've lost everyone...

• Stewart Lee : This one is so simple that it is almost contemptuous of all visual representation.

• Stewart Lee : America is of course not in Europe, although they're so bad at geography that they may as well be.

• Richard Herring : Golden Grahams! Can you handle the taste?

  Stewart Lee : No, taste is a metaphysical concept and can't be handled. Boycott Nestle on philosophical grounds alone!

• Richard Herring : How did you know they were Countryside Alliance?

  Stewart Lee : Because they were all tall and weirdly inbred-looking.

• Stewart Lee : Did you accomplish anything in 1974?

  King of the Show : Not that I recall, no.

• Stewart Lee : Life is Life, la la la la la.

• Stewart Lee : Your Mum's embarrassing isn't she?

  Richard Herring : Don't bring my Mother into this!

  Stewart Lee : She looks like Bobby Robinson.

• King of the Show : I don't want to see Americans on trains ever again.

  Stewart Lee : Make it so, the King has spoken!

• Stewart Lee : The disappointment ringing in the air...

• Stewart Lee : If you're a cyborg from the future, email us...

• Richard Herring : [Smashes the Spice Rack]  Spice up your Life!

  Stewart Lee : Every woman, every boy!

  Richard Herring : Nobody loves their Mother as much as I do, Stew!

• Stewart Lee : Oedipus so loved his Mother that he killed his Father and gouged out his eyes.

  Richard Herring : He should have just made her a Spice Rack.

  Stewart Lee : How different the World would have been!

• Stewart Lee : A good day's work! Coming home and saying "I have made kids chase each other with worms, today!"

• Richard Herring : And for anyone who was a Mother in the 1960s...

  Stewart Lee : Loads and loads of Valium!

• Stewart Lee : You are a small, fat, middle-class man.

• Stewart Lee : This is Somerset, where this family is proud they haven't moved for 6000 years!

• Stewart Lee : Do you live in a cave, now?

• Richard Herring : Damn that Orange! Damn him to Hell!

  Stewart Lee : Terrible scenes of Citrous Violence, there.

• Stewart Lee : Out there, Rich, is an Army of Couch Potatoes and Ragamuffins, looking for a Cause to support!

• Stewart Lee : Did the child survive the tattoo?

  King of the Show : Died this morning.

  Stewart Lee : Well, it was worth it.

• Richard Herring : I won't eat anything with a face.

  Stewart Lee : Nothing with a face. Would you eat a fish?

  Richard Herring : No.

  Stewart Lee : A pig?

  Richard Herring : No.

  Stewart Lee : That policeman in the elevator who was attacked by Hannibal Lecter?

  Richard Herring : Yes, Stew, because he hasn't got a face!

• Richard Herring : Would you eat Geri Spice?

  Stewart Lee : Not exactly eat, but I'd make a start.

  Richard Herring : They didn't get it.

  Stewart Lee : They're so young.

• Stewart Lee : Men of Achievement, a hit or a miss?

  King of the Show : I can watch it now without vomiting blood.

• The Curious Orange : I'm very curious about the name of this drink!

  Richard Herring : The name of this drink, Curious Orange? Why it's Orange Juice!

  The Curious Orange : You monsters! The Blood of my Brothers!

  Richard Herring : We got you!

  Stewart Lee : Drink it down!

• Richard Herring : Those Brussels Bureaucrats are trying to stop us from putting our sewage in the sea!

  Stewart Lee : That's a good thing, though, Rich.

  Richard Herring : If we want to put our English Sewage in the English Sea that's up to us, not Gerard Depardieu!

• Stewart Lee : The Queen said "I think he can smell my corgis!"

  Stewart Lee : I've never heard it called that before.

  Richard Herring : The Royals have a different word for everything.

• Stewart Lee : You're over thirty, too, now!

  Richard Herring : No! When did I grow old? CURSE YOU GOD FOR MAKING ME THIS WAY!

  [thunder] 

  Stewart Lee : God, there. He loves the show.

• Stewart Lee : Let's celebrate how wrong I was by eating a Giant Smartie!

  Trevor : They won't fit in my face! Curse you God for making me this way!

• Stewart Lee : Something here is awry.

• Stewart Lee : If you've only just tuned in, none of this would have made much sense. But I do hope the colours and swirling lights will have entertained you.

• Stewart Lee : The Angriest Shepard, there! He may look calm but there's a raging sea within.

• Stewart Lee : Stop advertising Cress, Rich, it's an insult to our unique brand of faux-naive Scatology and smug, self-satisfied intellectualism!

• Stewart Lee : This section is turning into a travesty of the art of Prophecy!

• Stewart Lee : No, but our Alien is just different enough to avoid a Copyright Claim by H.R. Giger...

• Stewart Lee : It was all a ridiculous Media Invention.

• Stewart Lee : [Trolley of British Pride]  A Shepherd's Pie? Is that all we've got to show for it?

• Stewart Lee : Mice are your only friends!

  Richard Herring : And Bagpuss's friends!

• Stewart Lee : Eat the Naan of Peace!

• Richard Herring : Aim 4 is to smash sprout-faced actor Leonardo di Caprio in the face with a shovel.

  Stewart Lee : Which film is that from?

  Richard Herring : One that I'm writing!

• Stewart Lee : More Spice Racks than anyone could ever need! Truly is this Mother Loved! The Queen is Crowned!

• Stewart Lee : As King, you will be sproked...

• Stewart Lee : The Pie of Only Paul?

• Stewart Lee : 30 years old and my job is to be mocked by a fat man! What kind of career is this?

• Stewart Lee : As King you will be stroked and fondled by a man with a face so small it looks like a two pence piece on the Moon.

• Stewart Lee : What are you doing?

  Richard Herring : Is it not obvious, Stew?

• Stewart Lee : It only takes a moment to find camcuter footage...

• Jesus : That's not really a Hobby, you can't be Listening to Contemporary Music Thaddeus.

  Thaddeus : I could be Double Checking Thaddeus.

• Stewart Lee : [Thelma & Louise Alternative Ending]  And then, they start lezzing up.

• Stewart Lee : If you carry your things around in plastic bags, you can email us at this location.

• Jesus : Depending on which translation of me speaking now you're using in the future...

• Jesus : Don't write that bit down, Matthew.