Teenage Bikers

I was initially distracted watching TEENAGE BIKERS with a new low from video companies: The first 3 minutes of the Alpha Blue Archives edition had the temerity to play the (audio) Something Weird Video opening montage, music plus familiar audio tracks from Herschel Gordon Lewis movies and the classic "I'll never be a butch" line from A SMELL OF HONEY, A SWALLOW OF BRINE. This is followed on the soundtrack by the equally famous Don Davis recitation of his Dragon Art Theatre warning.

So they stole the source video from SWV and didn't bother to cover their tracks. I guess there is no honor among thieves.

Once this blew over, I had the rude awakening that BIKERS has no soundtrack, it consisting of merely a random assemblage of sex footage, with some music added. There's some poorly dubbed dialog later on that doesn't match the visuals. Give me some good, honest loops instead.

After some random biker footage, a girl goes to the toilet and gives Jamie Gillis a blow job. They go through various sexual positions in the yucky bathroom setting as the theme from "Shaft" is pirated.

Second scene has Vanessa del Rio shtupped in the kitchen by a mustachioed guy. Everybody's wearing denim jackets inscribed "Pigs Is Beautiful" on the back. Bobby Astyr humps a brunette on a bare mattress.

Cutting back to the bathroom, after Gillis' money shot the girl stands over him to give Jamie a Golden Shower, not really visible in the lousy print used for DVD transfer.

After Vanessa does her anal sex thing and plays with a chain, "Ode to Billy Joe" is heard alongside wailing wolves. Astyr plays around, having sex with a couple of girls sitting on a bike.

Randomness prevails as "Shaft" is reprised, a girl poses next to Peter Fonda's "Easy Rider" black & white wall poster, and a couple of gals hang out laundry on lines up on the roof. A bike crashes through a wall, so Gillis and Mr. Mustache can have a threesome on the bike with a redhead.

Imitation George Benson guitar plays as Astyr wakes up and we witness more silent conversation (lips moving) up on the roof. Film ends with random shots of a NYC street.

This garbage has yet to be hailed as art, but given the spiraling downward trend of both criticism and movie appreciation it won't be long until it's elevated from the gutter to some artificial pedestal. The only thing positive I can report is that this was shot on film - made about six years before video reared its ugly head as a production medium.

In the 1970's many main stream movies were spoofed by the pornographers. This could be one of them, but actually it isn't. A spoof still has got something to do with the original. But this porn flick has nothing to do with any existing movie whatsoever. Yes, we see some bikes and bikers in the first two minutes and some porn scenes evolve round people having sex on a bike, but that is it. Of the total running time less than 5 minutes is dedicated to bikes and bikers and more than 50 minutes are used to show us sex scenes.

The female cast is not very attractive, except for the fans of Vanessa Del Rio, who might disagree. The sex scenes are tedious and uninteresting. Except for lovers of Vanessa del Rio again, who may be interested in seeing a chain pulled out of her intimate parts...

Even the title is a lie. There is no teenager around in this movie. All let's say 'stars' are clearly over 20 years old. And seeing Gillis pretending to be a young biker is no revelation either.

I saw the Something Weird Video presentation. It is clearly a transfer from a very poor VHS edition. They did nothing to improve the quality, so from time to time you can't even figure out who is who. It is also unclear whether the biker scenes were recorded for this movie, or foot stockage was used.

A very bad movie in extremely poor quality. Something Weird Video has dug out some nice pieces of trash from the 60's and 70's. This one should have been left alone to rot in the pile of dung it belongs.