Martin Short: Mad Hatter • Chinless Idiot

Alice in Wonderland

Mad Hatter • Chinless Idiot

Mad Hatter: I didn't know that. Personal remarks are rude?
Alice: Mm-hmm.
Mad Hatter: Egad, you learn something new every day. Make a note of that, Marchy. It might come in useful.

The March Hare: [in an encouraging tone] Have some wine.
Alice: [looking down the table] I don't see any wine.
The March Hare: There isn't any. And you're too young.
Alice: Then it wasn't very nice of you to offer it.
The March Hare: It wasn't very nice of you to sit down without an invitation. This is a private soirée.
Alice: Well, I suppose I shouldn't have just barged in. I know I wasn't invited. But the table was laid out for a lot of people.
Mad Hatter: My response to that is both profound and meaningful. Get your hair cut.

Mad Hatter: [singing] Auntie's wooden leg...
The March Hare: I say, I say, I say.
Mad Hatter: How dare you interrupt my song with "I say, I say, I say"?
The March Hare: I say, I say, I say, in this world it's not what you know, but who you know.
Mad Hatter: I don't know either one of them.

Mad Hatter: [singing] Twinkle, twinkle, little bat, / How I wonder what you're at / Up above the world so high / Like a tea tray in the sky...

Alice: [thinking about the riddle] Um, Why is a raven like a writing desk? You know, I'm pretty sure I can guess.
The March Hare: You mean you think you know the answer?
Alice: Yes.
The March Hare: Then you should say what you mean.
Alice: Well, I do. At-at least-- at least I mean what I say. That-that is the same thing.
Mad Hatter: It's not the same thing at all. You might as well say "I see what I eat" is the same thing as "I eat what I see."
[a pie sprouts crab legs and crawls across the table]
The March Hare: [eyeing the pie, picking up a fly swatter] You might as well say "I like what I get" as "I get what I like."
[whacks the pie]
The Dormouse: [talking in his sleep, then suddenly awake] Or you might as well say "I breathe when I sleep" is the same thing as "I sleep when I breathe."
[nods off]
Mad Hatter: Well, it is the same thing with you.
[chuckles]

Mad Hatter: [looking at his watch] What day of the month is it?
Alice: The fourth.
Mad Hatter: Aha! Two days wrong.
[glares at the March Hare]
Mad Hatter: I told you not to use butter.
The March Hare: It was the best butter.
The Dormouse: Danish.
Mad Hatter: Some crumbs must have got into it as well. I said, "don't put butter in the works with a bread knife."
The March Hare: I couldn't put it in with a fork, could I? Here, let me see.
Mad Hatter: I don't want to give it to you, but I will.
[the Hare takes the watch and examines it; first by banging it on the table, and then by dipping it into his teacup]
The March Hare: I don't understand it. It was the best butter.
The Dormouse: Danish.
The March Hare: [He tosses the watch over to Alice, who picks it up and studies it] Here.
Alice: That's a funny watch. It tells the day of the month but not the time.
Mad Hatter: Why should it? Does your watch tell you what year it is?
Alice: No, because it stays a year for so long.
Mad Hatter: Well, then I rest my case.
The March Hare: Where?
Mad Hatter: [points to a pile of suitcases] There.
[breaks into laughter]
The March Hare: I know when I'm beaten.

Mad Hatter: Time marches on its stomach.
[laughs]
Alice: It's an army that marches on its stomach.
The March Hare: Odd sort of army, marching on its stomach. I don't like the idea. Yuck.