Rob Reiner credited as playing...
Stan
- Stan: Love is just lust in disguise, and lust fades, so you damn well better be with someone who can stand you.
- Stan: Fear is the main motivation for everything. That and guilt, are the two emotions that keep a society humming.
- Stan: My ass was on television this morning.
- Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: What are you telling us?
- Stan: I'm telling you my ass was on television.
- Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: Oh, that's right. That was that special. "The Kennedy Center Salutes 50 Years of Stan's Ass."
- Stan: I went to the doctor, he took this tube that had a camera on the end of it, stuck it up my ass, and we watched it on a monitor in his office.
- Ben: You had a sigmoidoscopy.
- Stan: Exactly.
- Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: That's a lot different than your ass being on television.
- Stan: How?
- Ben: Well, first of all, a network can't cancel your ass.
- Stan: Point well taken.
- Ben: Plus, I don't know what kind of demographics you hope to be knocking down with that big, hairy crack winkin' at you.
- Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: All right. All right, gentlemen. We're in a public place. Do you think we could elevate the level of conversation?
- Stan: Fine with me.
- Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: Good. I jerked off to your secretary last night. I hope you don't mind.
- Stan: Why should I mind?
- Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: I don't know. I just wanted to make sure it was all right so I could forage ahead with a clear conscience.
- Stan: Pound away.
- Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: You're a good friend.
- Stan: So, what's going on with you and Charlene?
- Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: Had a great night last night.
- Stan: You still claim you're not cheating.
- Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: Yeah, I maintain that with every fiber of my being. Online sex is not cheating.
- Stan: How do you figure? It's 3:00 in the morning, your wife and kids are sleeping upstairs, and you're downstairs in your den fucking some bimbo in cyberspace.
- Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: Okay. First of all, we're not fucking. We're typing. And second of all - and this is me taking umbrage - Charlene is not some bimbo.
- Ben: You're right. She's probably a stockbroker named Ralph pretending to be some bimbo named Charlene.
- Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: Why would you piss on something so beautiful?
- Ben: What did I say?