- College Girl: Hey, are you Minuteman? Can we have your autograph?
- Minute Man: My-noot Man! Do I look like a soldier from the Revolutionary War? I don't think so! Am I wearing a three-cornered hat? No! I turn small. Think!
- College Girl: Fuck you.
- [her car pulls away from the curb]
- College Girl: That costume makes you look gay!
- Minute Man: [signing an autograph] I'm thinking of changing my name.
- Deadly Girl: Change it to what?
- [hisses at the autograph hound, scaring her away]
- Minute Man: To... 'Small'
- Deadly Girl: Small-Man?
- Minute Man: No, just 'Small'
- Deadly Girl: Well that's pretty stupid.
- Minute Man: It's better than Mr. Smart.
- Deadly Girl: It's better than Captain Cuntface too.
- Minute Man: Whatever.
- Sunlight Grrrll: We saw the news. You and the Losers called it a day?
- Deadly Girl: We?
- Sunlight Grrrll: The Femme Five. I'm here to ask you to join.
- Deadly Girl: Well then you'd be the Femme Six.
- Sunlight Grrrll: There are already eight of us. Traditional counting is an oppressive patriarchal tool.
- Deadly Girl: [smiles] I'll think about it. But in the meantime, get off my fucking lawn, whore.
- Minute Man: The great thing about not getting the person that you love is that you can still think about that person and masturbate, which is essentially the same thing.
- Deadly Girl: Ted might have been right about some things. Like drinking; last week I got drunk at a bar mitzvah, unthinkingly summoned forth demons and... they ate a kid.
- Deadly Girl: I used to think I didn't need a family. I mean, I had the demons and the walking skeletons. But the difference between a walking skeleton and a kid is, a kid won't eat the soft parts of your face while you're sleeping.
- The Weevil: I've had superpowers longer than anyone in the Specials, I think - which explains why I'm the only one with a Pez dispenser with a little me on it.
- Minute Man: The one thing that happened that sucked was that I lost my shrinking ability for two weeks, like a flu bug, or... I mean, I didn't lose them entirely. I was able to shrink down to about four-foot-five. But just being short isn't really a superpower.
- Amok: Sex? It's difficult. I get charged up, the anti-matter starts flying, next thing you know I'm humping a chick without an ass. I shoulda just stayed home.
- The Weevil: My old man used to say that love is what happens when you fail at living life on your own. He was gay, so what did he know?
- Minute Man: What's it like, summoning demons?
- Deadly Girl: They do your will, and that makes you feel good about yourself.
- Ms. Indestructible: Every morning I look down and I'm wearing boots with lightning bolts on them and I think... where did I make the wrong turn?
- The Weevil: The government gives the Crusaders all the best gigs. The Specials, goddamn, it's like being last sailor in line behind the whore.
- Verdict: You know what first ran through my head when I discovered I was the world's strongest man?
- The Weevil: No.
- Verdict: Think of the pussy, Weevil.
- The Weevil: What's a pussy weevil?
- The Weevil: So, why me?
- Verdict: "Weevil" is a brand name in which we'd like to share. And you have the superpower we most admire - you know how to make people like you.
- The Weevil: Yeah, well...
- Verdict: And, also, we have a line of Crusader Beanie Babies coming out in August, and none of our members wear blue.
- Amok: We may not be the prettiest, or the smartest, or the most powerful. But we don't exist for the beautiful people of the world, Ted! We're there for the oddball, the rebel, the outcast, the geek!
- Nightbird: That's what Weevil said.
- Amok: Baby, please, he stole it from me.
- The Strobe: You stole it from a speech I gave at the University of Delaware.
- The Strobe: I'm not saying the Great Strobe is better than other humans. I am, but that's beside the point. I can shoot laser beams out of my arms, that's what sets me apart. Can other humans do that? Can they? Can they?
- [first lines]
- Nightbird: I've been a humongous fan of the Specials since I was knee-high to... something for sure. All my friends would make fun of me because the Specials were not a "cool" group like the Amazing Trio or the Crusaders. But, you know, screw that. I also liked Winger better than Bon Jovi. I still do. I don't care what the critics say.
- [first title card]
- Title Card: This is the story of the Specials...
- Title Card: ...The 6th or 7th greatest superhero team in the world.
- Title Card: They have spent many a day fighting natural disasters and battling supervillains.
- Title Card: This is not one of those days.
- The Strobe: I was gonna take this opportunity to introduce our newest member Nightbird, but when you create her action figure you'll probably make a giant tit come out of her forehead.
- Minute Man: God damn it, Ted, if you were my siamese twin I'd fucking kill you.
- [runs upstairs]
- U.S. Bill: What does that mean?
- Mr. Smart: I have a problem with my cyclo-lucidic nasal enhancer.
- U.S. Bill: Your what?
- Mr. Smart: This thing on my nose! I can't get it off. It's driving me crazy! I smell *everything*! The world is covered in urine.
- U.S. Bill: What am I supposed to do about it?
- Mr. Smart: I need an extra set of hands. Here, see these two levers at the bottom?
- U.S. Bill: These?
- Mr. Smart: Yes. Pinch those together with each of your hands. Don't pull yet.
- U.S. Bill: I'm not gonna pull.
- Mr. Smart: [Bill pulls; bleeding from his nose] Ow, you fuck! You tore my fucking nostril off.
- U.S. Bill: You told me to pull.
- The Weevil: I think the weirdest superguy was with me back in the Teen Hustlers. Chest of Death?
- Power Chick: Oh, yeah, yeah. He was a happening guy.
- The Weevil: Yeah, and he had that, um... that thing?
- Power Chick: Yeah, he had a hole in the-in the chest of his costume and this... and this piece of flesh that he could just stretch out and, you know, slap somebody.
- The Weevil: His scrotum.
- [seeing her and Mr. Smart's looks]
- The Weevil: What? That's what it was.
- Power Chick: No way.
- The Weevil: Yes. Oh, come on. No, he... look, he... he had some weird ability to stretch his scrotum for, you know, hundreds of yards. And what he would do is he'd cut a hole in his uniform and then he would thread the scrotum through the hole. It would dangle, you know, then he would just say it was some weird piece of flesh. But, well, actually, it was his scrotum.
- Mr. Smart: Wow.
- Power Chick: One time, he tickled me with that thing!
- The Strobe: It just would've been nice to have gotten a little backup from my wife, that's all.
- Ms. Indestructible: I didn't wanna hear the story. I've heard that story more than anyone in the world. And Amok didn't want to hear it, either.
- The Strobe: Well, here's a news flash for you: Amok? He's a fucking asshole.
- Ms. Indestructible: You should watch out, Ted. You know, someone could be secretly recording this. They could sell it to "Inside Edition" and then children all over the world would start saying "fucking asshole." Only it would really be you saying "fucking asshole." Or would that be God, since you're a part of God?
- The Strobe: Why do you mock me?
- Ms. Indestructible: Because...
- The Strobe: What you're doing is mocking me and everything that I am. My whole worldview. You know what you're doing? You're just... you're saying that... that it's a little worm.
- Ms. Indestructible: What?
- The Strobe: Yeah. Yeah, little worm that lives between somebody's toes. A big fat guy's toes. Or-Or maybe grows out of a rock.
- Ms. Indestructible: Worms don't grow out of rocks, Ted!
- The Strobe: Well, excuse me, Emily, if "rockworm" isn't clever enough for you. But you just insulted me. And you did it in front of the group.
- [sarcastic]
- The Strobe: Thank you.
- The Strobe: [greeting Nightbird] As a Special, you'll experience all sorts of exotic wonders. In Africa, we discovered a tribe of pygmies that feasted upon a harmless human baby.
- Ms. Indestructible: It wasn't a baby.
- The Strobe: It was a baby.
- Ms. Indestructible: No, Ted, it was a rabbit that they'd shaved and you thought it was a baby.
- The Strobe: I saw its fingers.
- The Strobe: When I first gained my superpowers...
- Amok: Oh, Jesus! Nobody wants to hear your boring fucking origin story! Let's take a vote.
- The Strobe: Let me ask you something, my friend.
- Amok: You're not my fucking friend! Maybe every once in a while I want to go out and have a beer and bang some slut rag 'til her eyes bleed. And maybe I don't give a shit if it gets in the L.A. Daily Post! I save lives. I don't think I owe anybody anything other than that.
- Deadly Girl: You've also tried to take lives.
- Amok: Oh, you know what? That was a long time ago, okay? I was a kid. I got caught up with the wrong bunch of people.
- The Strobe: You got caught up with the wrong bunch of people, mister. And now you're getting caught up in some pretty sick ideas.
- Amok: Forget it! Forget I said a thing.
- Power Chick: Nobody's saying that, Amok. I like you. It's just... sometimes I think you must be hurting so much inside because you're so... aggressive.
- Amok: You're 12-stepping me to death here, bitch.
- The Strobe: When my brother and I fell into the vat of mysterious radioactive chemicals at the photo processing plant and woke up in the hospital three weeks later with powers no other human had ever known before us, a phrase came to mind, seemingly, words of God. "With super-power comes super responsibility." And I realized at that point that I... was blessed and would not be afforded the capriciousness of other men, common men, little men. Thousands of children would see me around the world as a part of God. If a recovering alcoholic sees me in a bar drinking alcohol and he has a poster of the Great Strobe on his wall at home, and he says to himself, "The Great Strobe can share a beer, have a shot, why can't I? Who am I? I'm a little man." And he gets drunk and he goes home and he beats his wife to death with a crowbar! That may as well be my hand beating that woman to death! Or if I'm caught by a tabloid reporter urinating on a prostitute for pleasure, it's disgusting, but... it really happened to Captain Osiris in Milwaukee. And then a little boy urinates on his sister. And she has a cut on her arm. Little, tiny arm. And the cut becomes infected and the infection goes to gangrene and eventually the arm is removed. That may as well have been me urinating on that little girl. With superpowers comes super responsibility, damn it. Laugh at my manner if you must, but please, please... heed my words.
- The Weevil: I've been offered membership in the Crusaders. I know.
- Amok: Are you gonna do this?
- The Weevil: No. I don't know.
- Amok: Those guys are fucks.
- The Weevil: You think?
- Amok: They put me in prison!
- The Weevil: You were part of a society of supervillains that was gonna give the world scurvy.
- Amok: Not scurvy, scabies. It's like a rash. And I was 19 fucking years old. What do you want me to do? Jerk all you cocksuckers off 'til I'm an old man?
- Minute Man: [seeing the preview commercial for the Specials action figures] I'm black?
- Joel Tippin: We had to take a little more of a multi-cultural approach.
- Minute Man: But I'm not black.
- Joel Tippin: I-I think you have vaguely African features. We could probably pull this off.
- [Minute Man ushers him out]
- Joel Tippin: Excuse...
- Minute Man: A meat thermometer?
- Joel Tippin: Listen, the kids love the neat accessories. Come on, it's the Specials. Nobody knows they're not carrying meat thermometers.
- Minute Man: Tell me that wasn't Richard Dawson's head.
- Joel Tippin: Well, okay, you got me there. We had some old heads from a line of "Hogan's Heroes" action figures from the '70s. We were gonna use the German guy, but it turns out we didn't have...
- [Minute Man leaves]
- Joel Tippin: What?
- Deadly Girl: Listen, here's a riddle: what's Ms. Indestructible's superpower? Guess!
- Minute Man: She has indestructible skin that can withstand an atomic blast.
- Deadly Girl: Wrong. She's a total bitch.
- Minute Man: That's my sister-in-law.
- Deadly Girl: Next time your brother wife-beats her, tell him to hit her in the eye. Her eyes are normal.
- Amok: Yeah, before I got like this, I used to do airbrush paintings on the side of vans.
- Nightbird: [as she talks, he ogles her breasts] Oh, oh, yeah, I-I saw one the other day. It had this picture of this bowl of fruit on it and it said "Van Go," you know, like Van G-O?
- Amok: Mm, that's clever. Love your outfit.
- The Strobe: In light of tonight's reception, I think it's only appropriate that we discuss some of the public behavior of some of the group's members, which, as of late, has been lacking a certain, shall we say, tact. Witness this photograph of Amok and Weevil smoking cigarettes in a bathroom stall. Appeared in the L.A. Daily News.
- The Weevil: Ted, look, it's not like we were walking down Main Street. We were crouched down in a stall. A guy came in with a camera.
- The Strobe: You don't see the Crusaders smoking cigarettes.
- U.S. Bill: What if they were doing number two?
- The Strobe: Let me tell you something, my friend. When I first gained my superpowers...
- Amok: Here we go again.
- The Strobe: Some of us may not think this is trivial, pal. Some of us may want to hear this. Note the new member, for instance, Nightbird.
- Power Chick: I wanna hear it.
- The Strobe: Thank you, Power Chick.
- Power Chick: You're welcome, Ted.
- Mr. Smart: [the machine on his nose whirs] Someone's playing with Play-Doh.
- Ms. Indestructible: I'd like to introduce you to Eight. Eight separate bodies with a single mind. Eight is actually one person who can be in eight different places at the same time.
- Nightbird: Well, I haven't seen them.
- Ms. Indestructible: It's "him," actually. And that's because he refuses to do publicity.
- Eight: [one of his other bodies takes a bite of a donut] This donut is delicious.
- Nightbird: Cool. I wish I had another me.
- The Weevil: We have a problem.
- The Strobe: What problem?
- The Weevil: Promise me you're not gonna panic.
- The Strobe: Okay, I'm panicking. That line about don't panic makes me panic.
- The Weevil: Right. Check out Smart.
- The Strobe: [seeing him with a makeshift bandage on his nose] Holy shit. Is that a maxi pad on his face?
- Amok: Hey, Tony, what do you think of the new chick?
- The Weevil: She's okay, I guess.
- Amok: I kinda wanna fuck her.
- U.S. Bill: She's a fox.
- Amok: Shut up.
- The Weevil: She's a little young.
- Amok: But fuckable.
- U.S. Bill: [non-sequitur] Raisins come from vines.
- Amok: She's cute, though, right?
- Mr. Smart: Yes, but I wish her breasts were larger.
- The Weevil: Like what? Zeppelins?
- Zip Boy: Honestly, Ted. There is a mint to be made for superhumans in the private sector. New Standards, Inc. It's a plastics company in Detroit. They spend millions every year on lasers. Someone with your talents could perform delicate welding...
- The Strobe: Yeah, that's the most boring story I've ever heard. Now, come on, Jerry, let's be truthful. Don't you miss being Zip Boy, the fastest kid in the world?
- Zip Boy: I... I don't.
- The Strobe: How about the time we captured and drained the Amazing Blister?
- Zip Boy: I enjoy my job. I enjoy recruiting other superhumans into a better, more profitable lifestyle. And I can still utilize my powers. I ran here from Yemen this morning, for Christ's sakes. 28 minutes.
- The Weevil: Some of you may be wondering "How did the Specials come to be?". Well, the group was the brainchild of Ted and Tim Tilderbrook, better known to the world as the Strobe and Minute Man.
- Power Chick: The original five were friends before being teammates. Ted and Tim - he was Minute Boy back then - Ms. Indestructible, the Weevil, and Stretchy Boy!
- Ms. Indestructible: Stretchy Boy joined the group when we were around for, uh... about what, a year?
- Minute Man: About a year.
- Ms. Indestructible: Stretchy Boy had stretching powers. It's a... it's a pretty common superpower where he was from, up in the northwestern states.
- Minute Man: Tacoma.
- Ms. Indestructible: Something about the fluoridation in the water.
- Minute Man: Yeah. Unfortunately, the same chemicals that gave him his superpowers gave him a type of mouth cancer and he was dead in six months. The same thing happened to Captain Elastic, Flagpole Lad...
- Ms. Indestructible: Gooey Stan.
- Minute Man: Like a Holocaust of rubbery people.
- The Weevil: Our next member was Mr. Smart, who claimed to be the world's most intelligent man.
- Power Chick: Then came Eight, the hero with eight faces. Some claim the CIA was behind the mysterious fusion of eight consciousnesses into one.
- The Weevil: Eight was followed in rapid succession by U.S. Bill and his superstrength.
- Power Chick: The anti-matter-blasting bad boy, Amok.
- The Weevil: And Power Chick, who has the ability to mutate her body into any material that she touches, whether it be wood, metal, or heck, a Fruit Roll-Up.
- Power Chick: I'd be yummy then. Next came Deadly Girl, who has the ability to enter the world of the dead and then reappear anywhere she wants.
- The Weevil: And the shape-shifting Alien Orphan, whose ship crash-landed on Earth. Alien Orphan's body was originally a green globule. But little by little, our extraterrestrial pal has been able to take on what's essentially a human form.
- Power Chick: This is the group that has had such keen victories as recently saving the island province of San Felipe from a flock of murderous pterodactyls, and last fall, stopping the Anal Slug from ruining the lives of any more senior citizens.
- The Weevil: And so now, we boldly enter a new chapter in Specials history. I, for one, have a feeling that Stretchy Boy is smiling from above. Or he... he would be if... if he had a mouth.
- Ms. Indestructible: [on the telephone] Why would we have nude photographs of our ex-members on file?
- Mr. Smart: New girl's here. I found her peeking through the windows in the back.
- Ms. Indestructible: You wouldn't want one of those.
- The Strobe: Mr. Smart, what is that intriguing device sitting upon your nose?
- Ms. Indestructible: 'Cause I've seen Valiant Lass naked and she has a vestigial penis.
- Minute Man: I'm Tim. Welcome aboard.
- Nightbird: I'm on board. I am a huge fan, Minute Man.
- Minute Man: I-It's, uh... "Mine-oot" Man.
- Nightbird: Oh, God, I'm so dumb.
- Minute Man: It's because I'm able to turn small.
- Nightbird: I'm sorry.
- Minute Man: It happens all the time.
- Ms. Indestructible: [the Strobe replaces a portrait of their wedding day on the wall] Ted, that's coming down.
- The Strobe: It's me. It's from a fan.
- The Strobe: I'd like to thank Kosgro Toys for honoring the Specials with these action figures. They are... without a doubt, the... hugest pieces of crap I have ever seen.
- Amok: [after Strobe announces the dissolution of the Specials] This Nightbird got some kind of Yoko thing going on.
- The Strobe: Don't think that your Weevil agility can outrun my lasers, pal! If I wanted to, I could cut your head off and then do some intricate welding and slicing with your guts!
- The Weevil: What? Get... get the cameras out of here!
- Minute Man: Will you get the cameras out of here? Tony, what'd you do to him?
- The Weevil: I didn't do anything!
- Ms. Indestructible: Ted, let's go home. Let's talk about this...
- The Strobe: I don't know where your home is, lady, but it's not with me.
- Deadly Girl: What did you do to him?
- Ms. Indestructible: This is none of your business.
- Deadly Girl: He's my friend.
- Ms. Indestructible: He's my husband!
- The Weevil: Ted, just... just tell us what's wrong.
- The Strobe: What's wrong? You mean beyond the fact that you're fucking my wife?
- [Deadly Girl punches Ms. Indestructible in the eye, hard]
- U.S. Bill: This is the part where I go home.
- The Weevil: Night, Bill.
- Ms. Indestructible: Bye.
- U.S. Bill: I can't tell you where I'm going. It's a secret.
- The Weevil: Yeah.
- U.S. Bill: I know the curiosity must be killing you. Who is he? But I can't tell you. That's my privilege.
- The Weevil: [sarcastic] It is killing me, but I'm gonna make it.
- U.S. Bill: We're not supposed to come in tomorrow, are we?
- Ms. Indestructible: Unless we get this straightened out, you should just sleep in.
- The Weevil: You know in the last Rolling Stone costumed-hero poll, I was voted...
- Ms. Indestructible: Most witty.
- The Weevil: The world loves me and you married Ted. It's funny how you always want what the other guy has.
- Cocktail Waitress: You want something to drink?
- Power Chick: I'll have a Roy Rogers, please.
- Amok: Give me a mai tai. Green boy, you want a mai tai?
- Alien Orphan: Bloody Mary.
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