Anthony Ruivivar credited as playing...
Carlos Nieto • Self
- [his eulogy]
- Carlos: Alex Taylor was, um... She was, um... She was a pain in the ass! I've never met anyone as stubborn as her. I mean, you couldn't tell her anything. Just this morning Doc told me that him and Lieutenant Johnson told her to get off that car like ten times. Ten times and she wouldn't do it. I remember hear... but I remember hearing her answer when they told her to get off. She said that the woman that she was with was afraid. Not that she was hurt badly or dying, but just afraid. Can you imagine risking your life so that another person isn't scared? I don't think I'll ever be capable of that kind of sacrifice, but... I'm gonna spend whatever time I have left trying to live up to that. Mrs. Taylor, I was with your daughter at the end, I held her hand. There was only one thing on her mind... you. She wanted me to tell you that it didn't hurt. That's all she wanted was for you to know. Her last thoughts were not of herself. She wanted to go out on her own terms. She wanted to leave a message and no one was going to stop her from doing that. Like I said, she was the most stubborn person I've ever met.
- [about Vangie]
- Carlos: The girl is four short of a six pack. For all I know she could show up nursing a Tickle Me Elmo telling me how it looks just like me.
- Holly Levine: I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to run away from me now.
- Carlos: Are you kidding? You taught me something today that no one ever has.
- Holly Levine: I did?
- Carlos: You made me appreciate being an orphan.
- Holly Levine: If I had said "Hey, let's drive ten hours into the sticks so you can meet my parents," you would've had a complete meltdown.
- Carlos: No, I wouldn't.
- Holly Levine: You're having one now.
- Carlos: It's because you kidnapped me.
- Holly Levine: You're allegedly not a kid.
- Carlos: Well, it's person-napping. I'm being taken somewhere against my will. I'm definitely being some kind of napped.
- Holly Levine: They live in a rural area.
- Carlos: How rural?
- Holly Levine: Very.
- Carlos: Oh, tell me they have indoor plumbing.
- Holly Levine: Where's your sense of adventure?
- Carlos: They don't have indoor plumbing?
- Carlos: We're more like, uh, casually serious.
- Charles Benjamin: Oh, I see. You're just "casually" sleeping with my daughter.
- Carlos: Oh, no, that part's serious.
- [about hunting]
- Carlos: I'd love to go. It sounds like fun.
- Holly Levine: It's not fun for the deer.
- Charles Benjamin: We'll throw 'em a little party before we shoot 'em.
- Holly Levine: [to Carlos] How about celibacy? Does that sound like fun?
- Carlos: I didn't grow up in a family. I thought it was interesting.
- Holly Levine: Interesting?
- Carlos: I've only seen that kind of dysfunction in the movies.
- Holly Levine: I told them that I had this perfect life in New York. That I had a nice apartment, and a great job and an amazing boyfriend and somehow I walk away from the whole situation feeling like it's not true.
- Carlos: You said I was amazing?
- [at Aaron's apartment]
- Carlos: Whoa! Possible DOA?
- Sully: I thought I saw him move.
- Grace Foster: He's already started to decompose.
- Holly Levine: Did anyone notice how pretty the air smelled today?
- Carlos: It smells like piss.
- Grace Foster: I love this time of year. End of summer, it's about to change to fall...
- Carlos: Either one of you starts singing, I'm jumping out the window.
- Grace Foster: Only on the second floor. That's not much of a statement.
- Grace Foster: Let's check it out. Might've lost consciousness or something.
- Carlos: Or it could be a prank.
- Grace Foster: Won't hurt you to walk, Carlos. Stay in shape. You wouldn't want Holly to see you getting all flabby.
- Carlos: What did she tell you?
- Grace Foster: Come on, stud.
- Carlos: What happened?
- Grace Foster: You got hit in the head. We're almost at the hospital.
- Carlos: I can't keep getting hit in the head. This is like the tenth time.
- Grace Foster: Yeah, you definitely need a new hobby.
- Nurse: What happened to you now, Nieto?
- Carlos: I really gotta stop getting hit in the head.
- Grace Foster: He's also displaying a bit of a repetitive speech problem.
- Carlos: So, um, let me get this straight. You thought that you were gonna die from eating too many antacid tablets?
- Kathy: That won't kill me?
- Carlos: Maybe if you're eating them when you're walking out into traffic -...
- Holly Levine: Carlos!
- Carlos: - -or something. Um, actually, you shouldn't exceed the recommended dose of any medication unless you first consult your physician.
- Kathy: Even if I'm just taking them to get high?
- Carlos: Especially then.
- Holly Levine: First you "accidentally" swallow a bunch of antacids.
- Kathy: That wasn't an accident. That was a bad decision.
- Holly Levine: Okay. But then you "accidentally" turn the gas on, leave it on with all the windows closed. A person might think you're trying to harm yourself.
- Kathy: I see what you mean, but really, I'm fine.
- Holly Levine: I don't believe you.
- Carlos: Oh... And I'm insensitive?