Ninja the Protector

Once again 'harry' must stop the ninja empire. This time by

infiltrating a model agency with the help of one of his agents who

he doesn't share screen time with (one of the downsides to being

in a film cut together from 2 films). Harrison does rather touchingly

keep a photo of his model/ninja friend who i think is called Warren. Harrison has honed his martial arts skills to perfection for this

film and it has paid off in spades. He's great with a blowpipe and

his teleportation skills just get better and better. i only have two complaints with this film.

Firstly: It's quite hard to see Harrison in his Ninja attire due to the

fact it's camoflage material and often Harrison vanishes into the

background. Especially during scenes filmed in a park.

Secondly: I couldn't watch the end because it concentrated on

Warren's relationship with his brother David. David's not a

handsome chap and seeing him do the nasty with a random

wench made my eyes bleed.

Overall though i'd give it 9/10. It's the kind of film that makes you

want to run up a hill in your pyjamas and shout NINJA! loudly.

It was five years ago when I first watched a Godfrey Ho collaboration, the superb Secret Ninja, Roaring Tiger. To be fair, every movie, made by ANYONE, is in the shadows of Secret Ninja, and as such I was a little disappointed by the frequency of the quality moments in Ninaj the Protector, but that's not to say it's bad. There are absolutely amazing moments in this film, which make up for the fact that it's not chocablock with laughs.

Who wouldn't want to watch a film that in the trailer it boasts "Only a ninja can defeat a Ninja" but spaced out like all the dialogue in Godfrey Ho movies so it sounds like the voice over guy has a stammer. Classic chats amongst detectives such as "They say it was a Ninja what's a ninja?" "Nothing.... just a fairytale" Genius. In a fair and just world, Ho would have won 6 Oscars by now, but those pecks in Hollywood are obviously either racist or bribed by bigwigs such as Senor Spielbergo and James Cameron. I think it was also this movie that introduced us to David, the mild mannered brother of Bruce.

Bruce cheats on his wife with a woman, and brings this girlfriend round to his house. Then he looks confused, and almost disappointed, after looking around to find out his wife isn't home. What is going on here?? Bruce is a bit of a pecker, but David seems very down to earth. But yet, when the police describe David it is: "He's a playboy, and a trouble maker!" I would write about the plot and the storyline of this movie rather than just giving the best quotes, and pointing out bits that made us crease ourselves, but unfortunately, I don't have the foggiest what the fook is going on in this film! There are some nice instant clothes changes in this movie, and some random motorbike action. Plus Richard Harrison has a lovely 'tache, and Godfrey Ho is the master of including random soft porn scenes that have no bearing on the storyline whatsoever.

All in all, it's a good laugh, and well worth watching, especially with a group of mates when you've got some beers in. Chances are, you'll find it in a DVD bin in a pound shop, but if you tend not to frequent these outlets looking for gems such as this, keep an eye in the Works, as they often have it for 5p. No word of a lie, the Works sell DVDs with 2 movies on them for 10p!!

The late-80s/early-90s was the golden era of the action hero: Sly and Arnie were tops at the box office, whilst second-tier stars like Chuck, Dolph, Van Damme and Seagal cleaned up on VHS. Even Speakman and Dudikoff became recognisable names, not just amongst die-hard fans of fight flicks, but with normal folk who arrived too late at the video shop to rent out the newest releases but didn't want to go home empty handed.

Richard Harrison, on the other hand, is a name that will probably only be familiar to those who weren't afraid to delve into the darkest depths of the dreaded bottom shelf (reserved for only the lowest budgeted Z-grade garbage). Sporting an ultra-macho Selleck-style 'tache and often seen clad from head to toe in a crap camouflage suit, Harrison was the star of many a Ninja film from legendary director Godfrey Ho, who would cobble his films together with little regard for logic or narrative cohesion.

Ninja Protector is a fairly unexceptional example of such a movie: the plot is typically all over the place, the result of Harrison's Ninja footage having been clumsily spliced together with an old Hong Kong film; ninjas materialise out of nowhere to do battle with each other, resulting in the usual frenetic sword-based martial arts mayhem; and the action is regularly punctuated by soft-core sex scenes featuring a selection of nubile Asian honeys. Those familiar with this type of junk may find it mildly entertaining for the duration, but the film sadly lacks any of the truly bizarre stuff that occasionally qualifies such ninja nonsense as unmissable.

More devilment from Tomas Tang. See my comments on "Ninja Demon's Massacre" if you need to know what the Tang Formula is.

Normally Tang edits ninja footage into action movies, but in this rare exception, he's chosen to violate a weak softporn HK soap opera about "Warren's" adventures at the modelling school. Naturally, it is improved by the addition of ninjas. The incongruity of the ninja storyline within the bulk of the footage is even greater than usual. Which is funny, until your head starts aching.

Features Richard Harrison II, perhaps my favourite Tang stalwart.

I am an advocate of a category I like to refer to as the "drunken classics". If you want a film to really move you, your selection is severely limited by the few hundred great films that have been made over the years. However, if you're getting drunk before or while you're watching a film, there are literally thousands of terrible, terrible films that become enjoyable where they would otherwise be unwatchable. The prime example of this theory would be the American Ninja Series (I-IV anyway, V is still unwatchable). It was in this mindset that I picked up Ninja:The Protector and I discovered something astounding; the film can actually make time stop. The running time may be listed at 90some minutes but I swear it took a week and a half out of my life. This film is not just terrible. It is terrible, cheesy, low-budget, slow, and although it has such an incredibly innane straight out of Thundercats plot, still manages to be one of the most confusing films I've ever seen. It is my belief that what actually happened was that they took 45 minutes of stock ninja footage together with a reject 70s drama pilot and just stuck them together and put all the money into the box art in the hopes of suckering someone, anyone into renting it. Anyone who sits through this film should have the opportunity to slap anyone that was involved with it, and then be slapped themselves. I know I deserve it. Please, if my only contribution to this world is that I saved one, just one person the pain and agony of this film, my life will have been worth living. Yes, I am that shallow.