- Announcer: [after one sketch, we suddenly see the 1980s BBC1 logo on screen]
- Announcer: We interrupt this programme for an important newsflash. Hostilities have broken out between East and West after the breakdown of talks, a full scale nuclear attack is on it's way to Britain, and the Four-Minute Warning has been sounded... that's except for viewers in Scotland.
- Woman: I wanted to become a born again christain but i couldn't, my mother has had a hysterectomy.
- Rab C Nesbitt: Yi can talk aboot the thirties eh?, i lived through the thirties, i had TB and Ringworm.
- Various roles: Yes the Government has acheived something with Law and Order, since we came to power, we have doubled the number of police officers and we've tripled the number of criminals as well.
- Display Case: Scientist
- [Small Brain]
- Display Case: Writer
- [Bigger Brain]
- Display Case: Social Worker
- [Preserved Arse]
- Priest: And now we come to the time when we consider the big questions: Why are we all here? Why do Pubs have Car Parks? And, most importantly, how did the Phantom of the Opera get a fully functioning Pipe Organ down a tiny manhole cover and into the depths of the Paris Sewers?
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