- [from Ants in the Pantry]
- Larry Fine: Oooh, I can't see, I can't see!
- Moe Howard: What's the matter?
- Larry Fine: I've got my eyes closed.
- [Moe eye pokes Larry again]
- Larry Fine: [to Moe, about Shemp] Ted Healy scared the piss out of your brother and it landed on me.
- Jerome 'Curly' Howard: Hey Moe, what do you mean hitting me like that?
- Moe Howard: I'm sorry, Babe. I didn't mean it.
- Jerome 'Curly' Howard: Next time, make it harder so they can hear it in the back row.
- Jack L. Warner: Good evening boys, allow me to introduce myself, Jack Warner.
- Moe Howard: One of the Warner Brothers?
- Jack L. Warner: "The Warner Brothers". Enjoyed your act.
- Moe Howard: Enchanted!
- Larry Fine: Enraptured!
- Jerome 'Curly' Howard: Embalmed!
- Jerome 'Curly' Howard: I'm sorry Moe, I'm sorry I talked that way. I'm just temperamental, you know me.
- Moe Howard: Yeah, 95 percent temper, 5 percent mental.
- Jules White: My name's Jules White, Tek-no-crap.
- Larry Fine: Tek-no-crap?
- Jules White: That's right, I take no crap from anybody.
- Moe Howard: [to Curly] Look at you, you collect these stray dogs the same way you collect stray women. At least, you don't marry the dogs.
- Guard: Haven't you heard?
- Larry Fine: Heard what?
- Guard: Mr. Cohen, he's dead. Had a heart attack last night in Phoenix.
- Larry Fine: Guess he was human after all.
- [first lines]
- Young Moe: How old are you?
- Young Shemp: Seventeen.
- Young Moe: Come on, you're older than that.
- Young Shemp: No, I got a birth certificate.
- Young Moe: You couldn't get that dirty in seventeen years.
- Young Moe: How 'about you, how old are you?
- Young Jerome: I was seven. Three years in Sanford, Connecticut.
- Young Moe: That makes you nine.
- Young Jerome: Not 'til I get back to Connecticut...
- Moe Howard: [about Curly] Pa, would ya stop singing Kaddish? It's not like he's dead, he's just going to California.
- Jenny Horwitz: It's the same thing!
- Moe Howard: [last lines; to Larry and Curly] What are we waiting for?
- Larry Fine: What the hell...
- Moe Howard: [lining up on stage] Spread out!
- Ted Healy: Sorry to run out on you, but a very rich lady is waiting for me in a penthouse apartment. She's got a driver outside. If Betty asks...
- Moe Howard, Larry Fine, Shemp Howard: We don't know nothing.
- Ted Healy: [leaving] I knew I could count on you.
- Moe Howard: Break a leg.
- Shemp Howard: And your head.
- Ted Healy: Caught your act, kid. You got potential.
- Larry Fine: Thanks, Mr. Healy.
- Ted Healy: What's your name?
- Larry Fine: Me, I'm Larry Fine. That there's my wife Mabel.
- Ted Healy: Hiya. This is Moe Howard and his brother Shemp, short for Samuel 'cause his old lady couldn't pronounce it right.
- Larry Fine: I like the bear bit.
- Moe Howard: Oh, gee, thanks. Where'd you get the hair?
- Larry Fine: Ah, my mother blames my father.
- Shemp Howard: I tell you, Moe, that guy gives me the willies.
- Moe Howard: Everything gives you the willies. You'd put a leash on your own shadow if it would keep it from following you.
- Shemp Howard: When are you gonna stop letting him chisel us? The box office guy says Healy makes a grand a week, and all we see is a lousy C-note. He can't get away with that.
- Moe Howard: Oh, yes, he can. He's the headliner. Look, I know he's tough, but we're stooges, a dime a dozen. Just take the money and keep your mouth shut. We'll be okay. Okay?
- Larry Fine: Healy ever heard of a raise?
- Moe Howard: Maybe you should try saving a little more instead of spending it all on the ponies.
- Larry Fine: Not everybody can live on $25 a week like you, Moe.
- Moe Howard: I send 19 home. That leaves me six bucks after expenses.
- Narrator: [first lines; opening disclaimer] The following film is a dramatization of events in the lives in the Three Stooges.
- Moe Howard: [Delighted at the excellent job their promoter friend did in arranging a full house for their live show, Moe playfully does his trademark eye-poke at him without harming him] That's how we do it: you make contact with the brow-bone, not with the eyes; looks real on camera.
- Jerome 'Curly' Howard: sometimes i think fans get too carried away im just me jerome curlys just a character.
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