Emergency Ward DD

A window cleaner climbs the first rung on his stepladder, slaps his chamois on the glass and peers through the window. And what does he see? No, not Mrs Old Lady watching telly scratching herself. Instead he sees two semi-naked, Zeppelin-breasted women sprawled on the floor. I bet you get that a lot as a window cleaner.

Lisa & Sarenna toast each other. "Here's to another lovely evening alone with you..." one says. The window cleaner climbs a step higher for a better view. He must be at least 12 inches off the ground now. Careful, mate. The two women pounce on each other. They each try to swallow the others' left breast, whole. If you've ever seen someone trying to eat a basketball, you'll know what I mean.

At Lisa's moment of ultimate drug-free pleasure the window cleaner manages to pull his ladder back sufficiently far on the second attempt to throw him to the ground. There he lies, groaning and all out of focus. Cut to - 1970's stock footage of an English ambulance driving down Peckham High Road.

The window cleaner is taken to the eponymous hospital ward where rather bizarrely, every nurse has a cup size no less than "Double D" (and you thought they just threw these things together?)

Nurses Candy Andes and Sana Fey sandwich a seated Doctor Bob between their chests. "Doctor!" says Nurse Candy, "our new patient... seems not to be able to breathe!" "I know the feeling..." replies Doctor Bob.

On the ward the window cleaner is swathed in bandages and mumbling incoherently. Nurse Angelique appears. Three minutes after her chest. Nurse Ange tends to her patient initially by dangling her cleavage in his face. A sign next to the bed says "Nil by mouth", but wouldn't you just know... The recovery process continues with Nurse Ange getting into bed with her patient. Before too long, the patient is tending to the Nurse.

A male orderley enters an office where Nurse Candy seems to be attempting to milk herself. He wears a long pony tail which bears more resemblance to that of a crippled donkey. He blithely ignores Nurse Candy's activity and starts chatting about work. Nurse Candy says, "Oh do shut up and suck on these!" Without batting an eyelid he obliges. It must happen all the time in hospitals, mustn't it?

Meanwhile a sophisticated bit of parallel editing takes us into the home of Nurse Ange. She has just finished her shift and cor, is she tired. In fact she is so tired that after flopping onto her settee, she takes off all her clothes - apart from her white stillettos, natch - and begins to do something to herself that will surely send her blind.

Back in the office Nurse Candy and Orderly Lionel attempt the world record for positions in a single session. Back at Nurse Ange's she has contorted herself into a tight ball of knotted limbs and managed to get her own lipstick stains on her nipples. Quite an achievement by anyone's standards. Cut to - Nurse Ange getting dressed. Eh? There's a bit missing here, must be. We linger on her re-robing, watching her put on EVERY garment, right down to her belt. Call me old fashioned but this seems the antithesis of what a porn film should be doing.

But wait a minute - she wants an apple. But it's on the shelf BEHIND the sofa! She'll just have to reach over and - oh, no! She's fallen off the sofa onto the floor! Cut to - 1970's stock footage of the ambulance...

Irony of ironies - Nurse Ange is a patient on her own ward. Thankfully Nurse Minka is at hand. Nurse Minka is oriental and has breasts that appear to have been inflated by the air pump from hell. They are so swollen and rigid that they appear to be made of china. I kept getting the urge to hit them with my tack-hammer, see if they shatter.

Nurse Minka manages to revive Nurse Ange with breast therapy. A bottle of baby oil appears from nowhere. Oops! She's spilled it all over the pair of them. Oh, well. Better rub it all in, eh?

Minka's now flat on her back. The weight on her ribcage must be phenomenal. She's grimacing as something rhythmic occurs off-screen. "Hot!" she barks. Must be friction burns, no doubt. She reaches her pinnacle. "Aaaaiii!!! Aaaaiii!!! Aaaaiii!!!" she cries.

Then she's next to the sick-bed putting on a strange pair of rubber pants. But wait a minute, what's that pink sausage thing stuck to the front of them? What's she gonna do with - she's not going to put it in there, is she?! She is you know! Nurse Ange's breasts swing in wild uncontrolled circles on her chest. She wants to be careful. She'll have an eye out.

Nurse Sana Fey has lured Doctor Bob back to her place. Doctor Bob sports the flat-top and muscles of a Marine Boot Camp Sergeant. The reluctant doc has an attack of ethics. He can't do this with his nurse. He just can't. Can he? He changes his mind once his cheeks are bulging with partially consumed breast. Strangely the majority of this encounter is filmed in slo-mo. The languid rhythms are punctuated with the metronomic *rse-slaps dispensed by the good doctor. A long continuous shot of Nurse Sana's top half is interupted by the appearance of Doctor Bob's hand as he twiddles with a small button like you would search for a station on an ancient radio. The gesture seems one of reassurance for his nurse, like one might reassure a lonely pet pooch by rubbing him on the head, that he hasn't been forgotten.

The window cleaner is being visited by another doctor. "Do you feel any throbbing pains anywhere?" the doc asks him. "No," says the window cleaner. Inexplicably the doctor slaps the window cleaner straight on his manhood. "Right" the doc says. You're ready for discharge!"

A sign on the wall in the nurse's office stated: "It was just and accident... or was it?"

Seems to sum up the film, really.