Kelly Bishop credited as playing...
Emily Gilmore
- Emily: You were on the phone?
- Richard: Long distance.
- Lorelai: God?
- Richard: London.
- Lorelai: God lives in London?
- Richard: My mother lives in London.
- Lorelai: Your mother is God?
- Richard: Lorelai...
- Lorelai: So, God *is* a woman.
- Richard: Lorelai.
- Lorelai: *And* a relative. That's so cool. I'm gonna totally ask for favors.
- Richard: Make her stop.
- Rory: Oh, that I could.
- Lorelai: Heh, you know what I just realized? "Oy" is the funniest word in the entire world.
- Rory: Hmm.
- Lorelai: I mean think about it, you never hear the word "oy" and not smile. Impossible. Funny, funny word.
- Emily: Oh dear God.
- Lorelai: "Poodle" is another funny word.
- Emily: Please drink your drink, Lorelai.
- Lorelai: In fact, if you put "oy" and "poodle" together, in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catchphrase, you know? Like, "Oy with the poodles already."
- Rory: Hehe.
- Lorelai: So from now on, when the perfect circumstances arise, we will use our favorite new catchphrase:
- Rory: Oy with the poodles already.
- Lorelai: I'm telling you, it's knocking "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" right out of first place.
- Emily: Rory, I know you heard a lot of talk about various disappointments this evening, and I know you've heard a lot of talk about it in the past, but I want to make this very clear: you, young lady, your person and your existence, have never ever been, not even for a second, included in that list. Do you understand me?
- [Lorelai has had to throw Emily an impromptu bachelorette party and invited all the women from Stars Hollow. Emily is now drunk]
- Miss Patty: So, Emily, tell us about this party of yours tomorrow.
- Emily: It's going to be fabulous. Isn't it, Lorelai?
- Lorelai: Ab fab, sweetie darling.
- Emily: Isn't she hilarious? I never have any idea what she's talking about, but she's so entertaining! Like a chimp. Isn't she like a chimp, Gypsy?
- Gypsy: Please make your mother stop talking to me.
- Lorelai: If only I had that power.
- Emily: Obviously you have a maid.
- Christopher: Yes, I have a maid-nanny combo.
- Emily: Ah, how McDonald's of you.
- [Emily has purchased a very small "panic room"]
- Lorelai: Hey, let's test it out. I'm gonna get you.
- [makes claws with her hands]
- Emily: [annoyed] Oh, my God.
- Lorelai: [attempting to be scary] You better get in there, 'cause I'm a bad guy. Baah!
- Emily: Stop it.
- Lorelai: I'm menacing. Panic, damn it. Come on.
- [Lorelai has to model in a charity event for Booster Club that her mother made her get involved in]
- Lorelai: Ugh, they totally just snuck that modeling thing in.
- Rory: Hmm, my mom's a model. Maybe you'll get to date Leonardo DiCaprio now.
- Lorelai: Plus, now I have to plan the whole stupid thing.
- Rory: Lorelai Gilmore. Nope, doesn't sound model-y enough. You need something that stands out more. How about Waffle. We could call you Waffle and say you're from Belgium.
- Lorelai: [dialing on her cell phone] Okay, I'm crabby, I need to do something about it.
- [on phone]
- Lorelai: Hey Mom!
- Emily: Well, hello.
- Lorelai: So I went to my first Booster meeting last night, did Bitty tell you?
- Emily: No, she did not.
- Lorelai: Oh, well, maybe she's still stuck under that desk. You might want to send someone out there to look.
- Emily: Well, it's certainly nice to hear you finally getting involved.
- Lorelai: Yes, in fact we're planning a charity fashion show next weekend, and I volunteered to organize it.
- Emily: Well, good for you.
- Lorelai: Yes, and since I know how concerned you are about how Rory's perceived at Chilton, I knew you'd want to be involved somehow, so you're gonna be one of the models.
- Emily: Excuse me?
- Lorelai: Yeah, so it's next Saturday, be there at four, and we'll provide hair and makeup.
- Emily: Lorelai, you can't be serious.
- Lorelai: Oh, and we'll need your measurements also.
- Emily: This is ridiculous.
- Lorelai: Mom. You said you wanted me to be involved. Well, I'm involved, now don't you want to do your part to ensure Rory's future?
- Emily: All right.
- Lorelai: Start measuring.
- [hangs up]
- Rory: You feel better now?
- Lorelai: Waffle's very happy.
- [Emily's friend 'Sweetie' has just passed away]
- Lorelai: Was that her real name - Sweetie?
- Emily: No, her name was Melinda. Sweetie was a nickname.
- Lorelai: Why?
- Emily: What do you mean, why?
- Lorelai: I mean, how did they get Sweetie from Melinda?
- Emily: They didn't get Sweetie from Melinda. Sweetie is a nickname.
- Lorelai: Yes, I know Sweetie was a nickname, but usually, a nickname comes from a version of your name, or there's a story behind the name or something.
- Emily: She was sweet. That's the story.
- Lorelai: Okay.
- Emily: She had a very sweet nature.
- Lorelai: Hmm.
- Emily: Well, what kind of story did you want, Lorelai?
- Lorelai: No, that's fine. She was sweet. They called her Sweetie. It's a good story.
- Emily: No, really. Exactly what kind of story about my recently departed friend would amuse you?
- Lorelai: Mom, it's not to amuse me. It's...
- Emily: All right, fine. Sweetie's father was a very poor man - so poor that Sweetie and her four siblings all had to sleep in a hollowed-out tree trunk because the house was only big enough for their parents. One winter, there was no food, so Sweetie crawled out of her trunk, wrapped her feet in newspaper, and walked forty miles in the snow to the nearest town, where she stumbled into a candy store. The owner took pity on her and gave her bags of candy, a dill pickle, and drove her back to her family. He promptly offered a job to her father, who gladly accepted and eventually owned that store and turned it into one of the most important candy emporiums in the world. And that is how she got the name Sweetie. There, how was that?
- Lorelai: Now, that was a pretty good story.
- [Emily and Richard have split up]
- Emily: At some point you have to face facts, and the facts are, he's moved on. And therefore I should move on also.
- Lorelai: Absolutely. MoveOn.org.
- Emily: [pause] I think it's time for me to date.
- Lorelai: [chokes on her drink] Oh, my God.
- Emily: I want to go on a date.
- Lorelai: With - a *man*?
- Emily: No, a weasel. Of course, a man!
- Lorelai: I'm not hearing this.
- Emily: Well, why shouldn't I date? I'm still a viable commodity.
- Lorelai: I need a paper towel and a Valium, please.
- Emily: There are plenty of men at the club who, in the past, have made their interest in me known, I just need to figure out how to reciprocate their feelings. You have a lot of experience with men. How do you let them know that you're available?
- Lorelai: Well, one of those bench ads usually does the trick.
- Emily: Lorelai, stop it. I need help here. It's been years since I did this, and I don't remember the proper procedure! Now take me through this step-by-step. You see a man, you walk up to him and you say...
- Lorelai: ...Hello.
- Emily: Is that too forward?
- Lorelai: No, it's the appropriate way to indicate you're open to a social engagement. Unless, however, you are approaching a weasel. Then I believe the proper signal is just to offer him your hindquarters.
- [Emily glares]