- Toula Portokalos: Ma, Dad is so stubborn. What he says goes. "Ah, the man is the head of the house!"
- Maria Portokalos: Let me tell you something, Toula. The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants.
- Toula Portokalos: I had to go to Greek school, where I learned valuable lessons such as, "If Nick has one goat and Maria has nine, how soon will they marry?"
- Aunt Voula: What do you mean he don't eat no meat?
- [the entire room stops, in shock]
- Aunt Voula: Oh, that's okay. I make lamb.
- Ian Miller: How do you say "thank you" in Greek?
- [Nick tells him a Greek phrase: "Oréa viziá." Ian repeats it]
- Ian Miller: [English translation] Nice boobs.
- Toula Portokalos: I woke up with this huge zit this morning.
- Ian Miller: Where?
- Toula Portokalos: [points to spot on face] There.
- Ian Miller: I had a huge zit this morning!
- Toula Portokalos: Really? Where?
- Ian Miller: [points to his face] Well, it was there, but it's gone now.
- Toula Portokalos: Why?
- Ian Miller: I put some Windex on it.
- Gus Portokalos: You know, the root of the word Miller is a Greek word. Miller come from the Greek word "milo," which is mean "apple," so there you go. As many of you know, our name, Portokalos, is come from the Greek word "portokali," which mean "orange." So, okay? Here tonight, we have, ah, apple and orange. We all different, but in the end, we all fruit.
- Toula Portokalos: There are three things that every Greek woman must do in life: marry Greek boys, make Greek babies, and feed everyone.
- Aunt Voula: [to Ian's parents] Now, you are family. Okay. All my life, I had a lump at the back of my neck, right here. Always, a lump. Then I started menopause and the lump got bigger from the "hormonees." It started to grow. So I go to the doctor, and he did the bio... the b... the... the bios... the... b... the "bobopsy." Inside the lump he found teeth and a spinal cord. Yes. Inside the lump was my twin.
- Maria Portokalos: Toula, on my wedding night, my mother, she said to me, "Greek women, we may be lambs in the kitchen, but we are tigers in the bedroom."
- Toula Portokalos: Eww. Please let that be the end of your speech.
- [upon receiving a bundt cake from Mrs. Miller]
- Maria Portokalos: It's a cake! I know! Thank you! Thank you very, very much.
- [whispering to Aunt Freida]
- Maria Portokalos: There's a hole in this cake!
- Nick Portokalos: I've never seen my sister this happy, Ian. If you hurt her, I'll kill you and make it look like an accident.
- Ian Miller: What do you do for Christmas with your family?
- Toula Portokalos: Uh, my mom makes roast lamb.
- Ian Miller: Mmm... with mint jelly?
- Toula Portokalos: No.
- [pause]
- Ian Miller: And...?
- Toula Portokalos: And...
- [pause]
- Toula Portokalos: I'm Greek, right?
- Ian Miller: Right?
- Toula Portokalos: So, what happens is my dad and uncles, they fight over who gets to eat the lamb brain. And then my aunt Voula forks the eyeball and chases me around with it, try to get me to eat it, 'cause it's gonna make me smart. So, you have two cousins, I have 27 first cousins. Just 27 first cousins alone! And my whole family is big and loud. And everybody is in each other's lives and business. All the time! Like, you never just have a minute alone, just to think, 'Cause we're always together, just eating, eating, eating! The only other people we know are Greeks, 'cause Greeks marry Greeks to breed more Greeks, to be loud breeding Greek eaters.
- Ian Miller: Wow.
- Nick Portokalos: Don't let your past dictate who you are, but let it be part of who you will become.
- Toula Portokalos: Nick, that's beautiful.
- Nick Portokalos: Yeah, that Dear Abby really knows what she's talking about.
- Aunt Voula: Ian, I'm Aunt Voula. Let me touch your hair. Oh, oh oh.
- Toula Portokalos: Umm Aunt Voula.
- Aunt Voula: Ok Ok. Why don't you come to my house and I cook for you
- Toula Portokalos: That may be a problem.
- Aunt Voula: Why it a problem? Don't you tell him I'm the best cook in the family?
- Toula Portokalos: Oh, I did.
- Ian Miller: Twice!
- [they laugh]
- Toula Portokalos: Ian is a vegetarian. He doesn't eat meat.
- Aunt Voula: He don't eat no meat?
- Toula Portokalos: No, he doesn't eat meat.
- Aunt Voula: WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE DON'T EAT NO MEAT?
- [the room goes silent]
- Aunt Voula: Oh that's ok, That's ok, I make lamb!
- Gus Portokalos: Kimono, kimono, kimono. Ha! Of course! Kimono is come from the Greek word himona, is mean winter. So, what do you wear in the wintertime to stay warm? A robe. You see: robe, kimono. There you go!
- Nick Portokalos: Listen, you know. I really think you should say: eho tria orchidea. It means: everyone, let's come in the house. I think everybody will really like it.
- Ian Miller: [mispronouncing] Eho tria orchidea?
- Nick Portokalos: Yeah! That's good! Very good! You got it!
- Ian Miller: I'm not falling for that again, Nick.
- Nick Portokalos: What?
- Ian Miller: Yeah, what. Angelo? How do you say: everyone, let's go into the house?
- Angelo: Eho tria orchidea!
- Nick Portokalos: Hum?
- Ian Miller: Everyone: eho tria orchidea!
- [in Greek: "I have three testicles!" - everybody laughs and Taki looks at Ian's crotch, surprised]
- [during Ian's baptism]
- Nick Portokalos: See? This isn't so bad.
- Toula Portokalos: Are you kidding? Any second now he's gonna look at me and go, "Ha. Yeah, right, you're so not worth this."
- Nick Portokalos: Yes, you are.
- Maria Portokalos: Ian, are you hungry?
- Ian Miller: Uh no, I already ate.
- Maria Portokalos: Okay, I make you something.
- Gus Portokalos: [crying] Why you want to leave me?
- Toula Portokalos: I'm not leaving you! Don't you want me to do something with my life?
- Gus Portokalos: Yes! Get married, make babies! You look so... old!
- Ian Miller: I know this great place... Zorba something... anyway, I'd love to take you there if you'd like to go.
- Toula Portokalos: Uh, that place, Dancing Zorba's...
- Ian Miller: Dancing Zorba's!
- Toula Portokalos: My family kinda owns that place.
- Ian Miller: [looking at her closely] I remember you. You're that waitress.
- Toula Portokalos: Seating hostess, actually.
- Ian Miller: I remember you.
- Toula Portokalos: Look, I was going through a phase. I was Frump Girl.
- Ian Miller: I don't remember Frump Girl, but I remember you.
- Maria Portokalos: We must let Kosta think this was his idea.
- Aunt Voula: All right, I know.
- Maria Portokalos: That he came up with it.
- Aunt Voula: All right.
- Toula Portokalos: Ma, he's gonna figure it out.
- Maria Portokalos: Don't you worry.
- Aunt Voula: Okay, I know what to do you.
- Maria Portokalos: You don't know what to do. You talk, talk, talk, all the time!
- Aunt Voula: Do you want my help?
- Maria Portokalos: Yes, I want your help!
- Aunt Voula: Tell me what to say. But don't tell me what to say.
- Maria Portokalos: Perfect!
- Toula Portokalos: [Seeing her cousins walk into the restaurant arguing] My cousins have two volumes; Loud and Louder!
- Toula Portokalos: When I was growing up, I knew I was different. The other girls were blonde and delicate, and I was a swarthy six-year-old with sideburns.
- Maria Portokalos: [angry] What is wrong with Toula going to school downtown?
- Gus Portokalos: Is drugs downtown!
- Maria Portokalos: What are you saying? Are you saying Toula will get involved with drugs?
- Gus Portokalos: No. But somebody will say to her: take this bag down to the bus depot, and she'll do it!
- Maria Portokalos: She is not stupid! She's smart!
- Gus Portokalos: I know she's smart. So what for she needs more school? She's smart enough for a girl.
- Maria Portokalos: [indignated] Oh! You think you're smarter than me, huh?
- Gus Portokalos: No, I... I mean... You... you know...
- Maria Portokalos: [angry] What? What you mean? I run the restaurant, I cook, I clean, I wash for you *and* I raise three kids *and* I teach Sunday school, you know? It's lucky for me I have you to tie my shoes!
- Gus Portokalos: Maria!
- [Maria leaves the room, slamming the door, and smiles at Toula]
- Yianni: Ian, if you're gonna be in this family, I get you some earplugs because the Portokalos women, if they're not nagging someone... THEY DIE!
- Toula Portokalos: Ah, you're in so much trouble when I tell my sister!
- Athena: Tell me what?
- Toula Portokalos: [narrating] My dad believed in two things: That Greeks should educate non Greeks about being Greek and every ailment from psoriasis to poison ivy can be cured with Windex.
- Toula Portokalos: [Pointing to Ian's bruised nose] What happened? Biker fight? nose job? What?
- Ian Miller: Uh... yeah.
- Toula Portokalos: No, really.
- Ian Miller: You don't want to know.
- Toula Portokalos: Oh I don't know. If I had survived an old lady ass-kicking I would want to brag about it.
- [repeated line]
- Gus Portokalos: Give me a word, any word, and I show you that the root of that word is Greek.
- [Ian reads the wedding invitation]
- Ian Miller: My parents' names are Rodney and Harriet.
- Toula Portokalos: [horrified] Rodney and HARRY!
- Nick Portokalos: We didn't notice, so maybe they won't.
- [first lines]
- Gus Portokalos: [to Toula] You better get married soon. You're starting to look... old!
- Toula Portokalos: Nice Greek girls who don't find a husband, work in the family restaurant. So here I am, day after day, year after year, thirty and way past my expiration date.
- [last lines]
- Paris Miller: Mom, I want to go to Brownies.
- Toula Portokalos: I know. I know. But I promise you this: You can marry anybody you want.
- Ian Miller: [to Toula] Ah, thanks, baby.
- [to Paris]
- Ian Miller: Greek school. Pame! What's that mean?
- Paris Miller: Let's go.
- Ian Miller: Let's go.
- Toula Portokalos: That's pretty good.
- Ian Miller: Looking good, Gus.
- Toula Portokalos: Hi, Dad.
- Gus Portokalos: Where you going?
- Toula Portokalos: Greek school.
- [Toula is wearing a fancy dress for a secret date with Ian]
- Gus Portokalos: Where are you going?
- Toula Portokalos: I'm taking a pottery class.
- Gus Portokalos: Ah! The Greeks invented pottery. Hmph.
- Aunt Voula: Nikki, how come you no come to curler my hairs this morning?
- Nikki: Ma! I had to drop Dimos at work. And now, I gotta go open the travel agency, because, you know, some jag-off and his big-ass girlfriend are too busy.
- Angelo: Ma! Tell her I open up the dry cleaners every day, and I think it's about time she did something for a change.
- Nikki: Excuse me? Do you know who's at the dry cleaner this morning? My husband is at the dry cleaner!
- Angelo: You're always at the beauty parlor, with your nails and your hair and everything.
- Nikki: Don't you talk about my hair! You are so lazy! You and your big-ass girlfriend do nothing!
- Angelo: Did somebody sit on your hair? I mean, it looks a little flat there.
- Nikki: Angelo... bite me!
- Aunt Voula: Disgusting! Be a lady!
- Toula Portokalos: [about her brother] My brother Nick has two jobs: to cook, and to marry a Greek Virgin.
- Gus Portokalos: Oh, Mrs. White! You find my mama *again*! You know, she come from Greece. The country I come from too...
- Mrs. White: [interrupting] For God's sake, I know! Listen, keep your mother off my lawn, out of my basement
- Mrs. White: [screaming] And away from my roof!
- Toula Portokalos: [narration] My family is big and loud but they're my family. We fight and we laugh and yes, we roast lamb on a spit in the front yard. And where ever I go, what ever I do they will always be there.
- Toula Portokalos: [Watching her sister come into the restuarant with her kids] My sister married young and became a Greek Baby Breeding Machine!
- Athena: I'm going to the Jewel. Listen, I'll get you some pantyhose.
- Maria Portokalos: No queen size. They make me look fat.
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