Chi McBride: The Chief

Undercover Brother

The Chief

Undercover Brother: Are you telling me there really is a Man'?
Conspiracy Brother: What do you think? Things don't just happen by accident! Sometimes people - mostly *white* people - make things happen!
Undercover Brother: So the conspiracies we've believed for all these years are true? The NBA really did institute the three point shot to give white boys a chance?
Smart Brother: Absolutely!
Undercover Brother: Then the entertainment industry really *is* out to get Spike Lee?
Conspiracy Brother: Come on man! Even Cher's won an Oscar! Cher!
Undercover Brother: Then O.J. really didn't do it?
[Everyone looks away and mumbles]
The Chief: We... we ain't got time for this!

Undercover Brother: Wait a minute, how'd the white boy get a job at "the B.R.O.T.H.E.R.H.O.O.D."?
The Chief: Shit, what can I say? Affirmative action.

[after witnessing the General's speech]
The Chief: Smart Brother, you're so damn smart. Can you tell us what the Hell just happened?
Smart Brother: Well, uh, I, uh, um...
The Chief: [mocking him] Well, um, I, uh... Shut up! If I wanted to hear something stupid, I'd ask his skinny Black Ass!
Conspiracy Brother: Ha, ha! In your face! Ha! Skinny black... HEY!

Conspiracy Brother: That's Right! It's goin' to the streets. Hey y'all! It's revolution up in this Bitch! Set the alarm for Defcon 5! It's on, baby... it's on!
The Chief: Good work, White She-Devil. Oh, and you in too.
Conspiracy Brother: What the Fuck? Chief! I've never seen this bitch in my agent classes! I'm still paying the loans off, man! I sleep on a pissy mattress! I ain't got good food to eat! I borough money for my Weed! I quit! That's it. Y'all ain't got Conspiracy Brother Jones to kick around no more! Give me a pillow case... I'm joining the Klan!

[as black cultural leaders begin to fall prey to The Man's plan]
The Chief: Jay-Z to cover Lawrence Welk's greatest hits? John Singleton to remake "Driving Miss Daisy"? Terry McMillan - "How Stella got her White Man Back"? Double damn it! Black people all over the world are losin' their damn minds!

The Chief: I'm tired of you disrespecting me! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't fire your black-ass?
Undercover Brother: Because I... don't... work for you?
The Chief: SHUT UP! Save the smart comments for the chunky brother in the smock!

Lance: So let me get this straight; whenever a black guy does well, starts wearing Dockers, buys a few Celine Dion records, and sleeps with a White chick, you automatically say he's sold out?
The Chief: That's enough, Lance!
Lance: Always trying to shut the white man down.
Conspiracy Brother: THAT'S RIGHT! That's Right!... Oh, that ain't right.

Lance: I have stood on the sidelines of race relations long enough! I want to march down that field of oppression and kick that ball of bigotry right over the goalpost of intolerance!
The Chief: Son, you talk a lot of shit.
Lance: Yes, I do.
The Chief: But you down.

[after Undercover Brother escapes a massive explosion by floating down a cliff in parachute pants]
The Chief: Didn't you cause about a ba-zillion dollars worth of damage? And I sure as hell ain't covering for ya; I don't care how sexy you look floating down in your little pants!