- Gary 'Jonesy' Jones: Fuck you.
- Mr. Gray: I know what that expression means. I've studied the foul language section of your memory warehouse. Rather distasteful, I must say.
- Gary 'Jonesy' Jones: How about this, Mr. Gray? Eat shit and die.
- Dr. Henry Devlin: [Begins talking into the gun like it's a phone] Hello? Jonesy. Jesus Christ, I knew it was you. Where's he taking you? Massachusetts. He is? Duddits, OK... Jonesy, I will. You hang in there. Jonesy? Jonesy. He hung up...
- Captain Owen Underhill: Give me back my gun.
- Pete Moore: Bite my bag, motherfucker.
- [Snowmobile stops]
- Mr. Gray: All right, Pete - I'll bite... your bag... and everything else.
- [Beaver is eating peanut butter from the jar with his fingers]
- Gary 'Jonesy' Jones: What are you doing?
- Joe 'Beaver' Clarendon: What? Peanut butter calms me down.
- Gary 'Jonesy' Jones: Somebody else might want to use that jar.
- Joe 'Beaver' Clarendon: I'll leave some.
- Dr. Henry Devlin: What the hell? Who's Mr. Gray? What are you trying to tell me, Jonesy?
- [Stops walking]
- Dr. Henry Devlin: You're not Jonesy.
- Joe 'Beaver' Clarendon: This is our twentieth year coming out here to "Hole In The Wall", and fuck me Freddy, here's to twenty more.
- Joe 'Beaver' Clarendon: Here's to Duddits... our dreamcatcher. Wish he was here.
- Pete Moore: To the Duds.
- Dr. Henry Devlin: To Douglas Cavell.
- Gary 'Jonesy' Jones: To Duddits.
- Barry Neiman: Carl's Jr. has this $6 burger, which really only costs $3.95 so you think you're getting some deal but the truth is, it may be the best franchise burger out there. I went there yesterday and ordered three. By golly, those suckers almost filled me up. Ah, when I got home, I still had to have a box of Eggos but that doesn't take away from Carl's achievement. I mean, here's a guy who's got to go through life as Carl Junior, right?
- Dr. Henry Devlin: Barry?
- Barry Neiman: Like he can never get out of the shadow of his dad, the original Carl, I guess.
- Dr. Henry Devlin: Barry? Do you think this compulsive eating has something to do with thinking you killed your mother?
- Colonel Curtis: Whose radio is that?
- [upon hearing crashed aliens pleading for sympathy]
- Captain Owen Underhill: It's not the radio, boss. They're putting it directly into our heads.
- Colonel Curtis: There it is, gentlemen. Directly into our heads. This gives you an idea what we're up against. Now if anybody is thinking, "Why, those poor helpless little fools... all naked and unarmed besides their crashed intergalactic Winnebago. What kind of a dog, what kind of a monster... could hear that heartbreak and go in just the same?" Well, I'm that dog. I'm that monster. These mothers are as harmless as a fox in a hen house. And I'm here to kick some ass! Are you with me?
- Dr. Henry Devlin: [Owen drives through the wall next to Henry] You almost ran me down!
- Captain Owen Underhill: I figured you'd read my mind and get out of the way.
- Pete Moore: Motherfucker tried to bite my dick off, Jonesy. I always thought it'd be my ex-wife did that.
- Joe 'Beaver' Clarendon: Wait, Jonesy...
- Gary 'Jonesy' Jones: Yeah, Beav?
- Joe 'Beaver' Clarendon: You be careful.
- Gary 'Jonesy' Jones: Be careful of what?
- Joe 'Beaver' Clarendon: Wish I knew.
- Pete Moore: In the movies, when people wake up together in the morning, they immediately start kissing, nuzzling and going at it, but what they never do is get up first, take a leak and brush their goddamn teeth, which I don't think I'm alone in feeling is pretty much necessary when you wake up.
- Dr. Henry Devlin: You and I don't get after him right away, he's gonna get out of my range, and some kind of shit is going to hit the planetary fan.
- Rick McCarthy: [Burps loudly]
- Joe 'Beaver' Clarendon: bitch-in-a-buzzsaw. I've heard some mighty burps in my time, but that's the blue ribbon baby.
- Joe 'Beaver' Clarendon: You don't suppose he got exposed to radiation, do you? I saw that once in a movie. Guy ended up bald as Telly what's-his-fuck.
- Colonel Curtis: Those poor schmucks... they drive Chevrolets, shop at Wal-Mart, never miss an episode of Friends. These are Americans. The idea of slaughtering Americans... it just turns my stomach.
- Joe 'Beaver' Clarendon: I wish Henry was here...
- Gary 'Jonesy' Jones: He's a shrink, not an internist.
- Joe 'Beaver' Clarendon: He went to med school. Did you?
- Gary 'Jonesy' Jones: ...I thought about it.
- [checking on the sick guy in the bathroom after finding a trail of blood on the floor]
- Beaver: [knocking on door] Hey Rick, you alright in there, buddy?
- Rick McCarthy: Yeah, I just need to make a little room!
Contribute to this page
Suggest an edit or add missing content
