Chris Rock: Jake Hayes • Kevin Pope

Bad Company

Jake Hayes • Kevin Pope

Roland Yates: Don't worry, son, there'll be extra money for this mission.
Jake Hayes: Hey, man, first of all, I'm not your son. Second of all, did it ever occur to you that I might want to do something 'cause it's the right thing? Hey, I'm the one with the dead brother, I'm the one who misses his girl, and I'm supposed to put up with your shit 'cause you're a spy? Big deal! Every woman on the planet's a spy! Man, you guys can't even find Saddam Hussein! You know, if you told a woman, right now at 8:00 in the morning, that her husband was sleeping with Saddam Hussein, she'd be able to find Saddam by 8:00 that night, and say "Saddam, don't you ever come around my house no more!" Hey, I did you a favor, OK? You called me! Now, if you ever talk down to me again, I will beat your ass so bad you'll be the only guy in heaven with a wheelchair. You better act right before you get smacked right, Bitch.

Gaylord Oaks: Did you see what happened there?
Jake Hayes: I got jacked!
Gaylord Oaks: No, you panicked. Your brain shut down. What's the good of having a brain if you won't use it?
Jake Hayes: My brain didn't shut down. I knew it was Swanson 'cause I could feel her tits on my back.
[Swanson takes off her mask, looking mad]
Jake Hayes: I knew it was Carew, because his breath smelled like shit, probably from kissing your ass so much!
[Carew takes off his mask, looking mad]
Jake Hayes: I knew it was Seale, 'cause I took his wallet. Hey Seale, why's a married man need a condom? Your wife know?
[Seale takes off his mask and snatches his wallet]
Jake Hayes: You want to know how I knew it was you?
Gaylord Oaks: Okay, that's enough. Thank you very much, goodnight.

Gaylord Oaks: [after trying to guilt Jake into coming back] Well, that didn't work did it?
Jake Hayes: No!
[mocking Oaks]
Jake Hayes: "I'm going to go outside and count to ten"? Who the hell are you? You'd would have done better with "Bitch, get in the car".
Gaylord Oaks: Okay. Get in the car... bitch.

Jake Hayes: If you stayed on top of things, you'd understand that the traditional checks are not 100% fool-proof. This last test was designed by the head of nuclear science at Caltech, a Dr. Dre. Dr. Dre, along with Dr. Irving and Professor Griffin and the rest of the Wu Tang Clan, know that it is best when you have a baseline screen situation to achieve a pulsopular cataclysmic calibration or something we like to call the Shaq Attack.
Michelle Petrov: Shaq Attack?
Jake Hayes: Yes, named after Dr. O'Neal of Los Angeles, formerly of Orlando.

[first day]
Gaylord Oaks: Good morning, Mr. Hayes, five A.M., time to begin.
Jake Hayes: [not getting up] How about three more hours of sleep and some breakfast?
Gaylord Oaks: How about a nice shower?
[he pours a pitcher of water on Jake's head]

[Jake is watching his twin brother on tape]
Jake Hayes: Man, this is buggin' me out. I feel like Michael Jackson lookin' at old album covers.

Jake Hayes: Is this fish?
Nicole: Yeah, of course. You love fish.
Jake Hayes: That's right. I love fish, but that's before I became a vegetarian. Oh, waiter, waiter! I can't eat this. Can you get me something else? How about a steak, medium well, please.

Jake Hayes: You got the wrong guy. I don't even have a brother. That's just a picture of me in a suit. You could've got that off the internet. I saw a picture of Bill Gates with three titties on the net.

Jake Hayes: In my foster house, we were so poor, we used to lick stamps for dinner.

[playing chess in the park]
Jake Hayes: I'm going to do this. Then you're going to do this. Then I'm going to do this. Now you're going to want to do this, but I'm going to do this. And when you're thinking about doing this, I'm going to do this. And then the game is over. So what say you give me twenty dollars and we save twenty minutes?

[after coming back from a meeting with Vas]
Gaylord Oaks: They put a transponder chip in the phone they gave you that tells them everywhere you went in the last two weeks. Which is why we switched the chips, so it wouldn't tell them you went to Langley.
Jake Hayes: And what if you hadn't?
Gaylord Oaks: They'd have shot both of us in the head. I'm feeling hungry, how about you?

[while training Jake to deal with a kidnapping]
Jake Hayes: They woke me up, man!
Gaylord Oaks: Yeah, that's the funny thing about an ambush. Next time we'll try to let you know.

Lenka: Mr. Turner, it's so glad to have you back so soon.
Jake Hayes: Thank you, Lepenka, I hope you haven't given up my room.
Lenka: Certainly not, sir.
Jake Hayes: This is beautiful.
Gaylord Oaks: Her name is Lenka. You just called her Lepenka, which means cardboard.